Mixed week.

OK, so i took my last digital pregnancy test on Monday, 6 days after my previous one which had said 2-3 weeks since conception. This weeks test still said 2-3 almost a week later. And all the googling i did, i found lots of other women with the same thing, and they all ended up in miscarriage. Damn Clearblue and their over indulgent tests.
 But the following few two days have been filled with even more tiredness and strong bouts of nausea. I could have thanked the morning sickness gods had i known who they were! It was a great sign. Along with a full sensation in my tummy, breasts painful and bloating, i felt better and resisted the urge to buy more of the stupid indicator tests. Mainly because i have a feeling that Clearblue know that this happens and is a marketing ploy.

But today, i have woken up full of energy, bloating gone down a bit, breasts don't hurt and have definitely gone down a bit, no nausea, not even once. I just don't feel pregnant today. Which is horrible and worrying and a bit reminiscent of the week before the miscarriage last year.
I have been crampy the last week BUT that is a good sign for me normally at this time of pregnancy. I have had that with them all and just my increased blood flow and ligaments stretching i guess. But nothing today.

Please, not again, i don't think i could handle it. I want this so badly for my IPs that that is all that matters. And the stupid system in this country means we have nothing to hold on to, no betas, no early scans. Just a case of waiting 12 weeks. Even after a previous miscarriage. Ha! Do they think we are mad?

Thank goodness for private scans, but even that isn't for another 3 weeks. And the ironic thing is that we all pay our taxes for our National Health service and get so much less than we sometimes need and yet the US are currently voting for a similar service! Give me a private insurance system any day.....

Anyway, one good thing is that I am still angsty, still wanting to chew someones head off as you can see, so that it is good!

Off to the doctors tomorrow morning for a routine book in to see the midwife and get the ball rolling for ante natal care. I am going to think of something that i can say to try my luck and get a blood test or something.

Well, IPs came over and after us discussing what has probably been a little communication error on both parts, we are now going for an early scan on the 15th July.
  It just proves what a great match we are in that, i felt i could communicate with them how i was feeling, they dropped everything and came round (bringing copious amounts of food for us) and we simply sorted it out. My side, your side, the plan of action from now on. Simple. They didn't go home until really late as we were just having a laugh and chatting like the friends we are which is fantastic and reassuring too.

 I remember having issues with my last IPs during pregnancy and the differences between how the situations played out, are huge. Maybe i have learnt quite a bit, tried to be more understanding, seeing it from their point of view too and i honestly genuinely believe that they are right for me, so everything just clicks in to place easier.

They did touch on the fact that they are rather like rabbits in headlights right now- it has all happened so quickly, and they haven't ever been here before in 10 years of trying so they are scared. Which is understandable of course, but they wanted to do Insems with a surrogate who has conceived 4 pregnancies out of 7 on the first month- it can happen. And it did. So suck it up!( I say that with a smile!)

Symptoms wise, having some really uncomfortable stabbing type pain on and off in my cervix area, which i remember having with one of my own children, but it still makes me worry. Just keeping hydrated, monitoring it and keeping away from google! Apart from that, i am just as tired, with a little more nausea thrown in, and of course the bloating is terrible, but feeling great apart from that! By the way, as a surrogate, is there any time that you don't go to the toilet fearing the worse??! I will be so grateful to reach 12 weeks!

No Scan

Just to update, there won't be a scan until 12 weeks as IPs have a busy social calandar and we can't fit it in. The clinic could only do either two weekends and they are away with friends both of those so I did suggest that I go and then they offered to pop in and see the photos, but then my OH and I felt a bit weird doing that.

 I offered to pay for the early scan as i always do in matches to confirm pregnancy for expenses reasons and so that they could see the bean on the screen, and become excited, not for us to be there alone. To be fair, IF seemed seemed excited about it and offered to drive down early from their friends but IM wasn't sure and I said aslong as they are happy to visit friends and not worry about the scan, then I am happy. So we just stay the way we are for another 2 months.

May be a long one...

Ok, so after all of the faint positives on various tests, i have tested every day. And the lines have been darker over time so i thought I may have to crack open a Digi, with a conception indicator of course! And it didn't take long to show that there is no denying that I am most definitely pregnant with a surrobaby! I am also very happy that the levels of hormones are high enough to record 2-3 weeks when I am only 13 dpo according to my interpretation, 12 dpo according to Fertility Friend. So that is amazing.

Just to go back a little bit and to re cap on what was a horrible cycle. It was only 4 weeks ago that we decided to get Agreements started and i hadn't even started to chart since last year. I was still dieting and worrying that my cycles were affected.
 Then we rushed around trying to get things signed off, supplies in, insurance sorted leaving i think 2 days spare, before IPs were to go away for a weeks holiday, and my cervical mucous was sparse to say the least. Then we managed to get two insems done but Ovulation was nowhere in sight. For what seemed like ages. Yes, yes, I panicked all too soon. I should have calmed down, seen what lay in store, but when you have presented yourself to your IPs as the answer to 10 years of upset and down right hell, persuading them to leave the Adoption route, it is easy to stress!! Which i don't think helped either. So only about a week ago, did we know there was a 2WW to even be in! (Which really was a godsend if I am honest. Because it was so much quicker and easier than other 2WWs!)

So once i knew I had infact ovulated, it was purely and honestly a case of how long my Luteal phase was and trying to make sure it was a good length for next cycle. Because i knew Insems happened 3-4 days, maybe 5 days before Ovulation! That to me said that it would be a negative cycle.

It was only when we were driving to the supermarket, that i got an email from my lovely Surrogate friend which asked if i had been tempted to test yet, that i thought maybe i would get some supermarket cheap strips and have some fun. And the fun did begin and is still continuing! 8 tests later and we are still here, smiling!

My Ips have been as shocked as me, and we all just sometimes sit in silence with these vacant stares and smiles on our faces, not quite sure how we were so lucky, first time. (Oh and just in case anyone is wondering, as any surrogate, we had an abstinence clause in our contract, and my husbands tubes have been cut, tied and burnt!)

So we are now 4weeks and 2 days today. I thought i would start a vlog of my journey, but our webcam isn't working too well so i have started pictures. This first one is taken 4weeks exactly, and looking already bloated with fluid retention.

I have been eating really well, with lots of Egg whites, chicken, ham, raw vegetables, fruit and soups so i know it isn't fat gain. Just hormonal bloating. Oh and I have been having terrible mood swings the last 4 days, I am so irritable, cranky and so very extremely tired I can't keep my eyes open past 2pm! I keep feeling like I have been drugged and making my family laugh as I slur my words some evenings and my eyes are like slits! Not attractive at all!

 But i am loving every single part of this this time. There isn't any hesitation, worry or stress like last time. My IPs both keep texting to check up on me, and have told some friends of theirs already and I am meeting them soon! So no secrecy, lies and everyone is open and honest.

Next appointment will be me at the Doctors some time next week, and an early scan around 7 or 8 weeks, depending on availability. You would think that IFs job would open certain doors to us at the local hospital, but  i'm afraid not!

I just wanted to give a huge hello to my wonderful friend JJ who is going for her 12 weeks scan this week over here: http://jj-tummymummy.blogspot.co.uk/, and another surrogate friend who has been trying as long as i have to achieve her dream of being a surrogate,  with a miscarriage, negative cycles and 3 matches and she has just got her BFP this week too, so congratulations L! Lots of good news everywhere!

Well done if you got this far!

More..

 11dpo 3pm, 4 mins after testing at my IPs house!

Not sure what to say or think....

 10dpo midday a few minutes after dipping

 10dpo, evening 5 mins past dipping

 11dpo 3 minutes past dipping, so official result

 11dpo 4 minutes past dipping

Dried 11dpo

I know, they are only cheap strips and blue dye. This was the product of two seperate trips to supermarkets and they didn't have any FRER. Ugh! But i have used 3 different brands and all said a faint positive. I am so shocked and amazed that this may even be an option. I just can't get me head around this yet. But thought i may see what anyone else thinks so if you fancy chiming in, i would be grateful. If not, i will just sit here like an open mouthed goldfish for a few more days, eyes bulging out of my head and buy some FRERs.

Oh and chart is looking great too, with some lovely increased temperatures.

Ovulation!

Yes, i actually ovulated, after all of that. I have had some good temperatures over my cover line, although it seems to be taking the shape of what is called a fall back rise and a little erratic. But i have been waking up at 4 the last few mornings and i always worry about taking it at my usual time or taking it immediately. So that is to be expected. But i ovulated and I am so so relieved and happy. I of course told my IPs and they were happy and seem to be excited about an actual 2ww. But Insems happened at least 4 days before Ovulation so chances are it will be a negative cycle.

So all in all, I am overjoyed but i just need AF to arrive later than originally planned so i can achieve a decent Luteal phase, at least 10 or 11 days. I am currently 8 or 9days past ovulation today (chart and I are disagreeing) so I am pleading for the witch to stay away until Sunday. Which is when we are meeting up for coffee with C and V so we will be able to get our diaries together and make sure that we Insem every single day until OV happens! I hope C is up for that! I am so ready for to give next month a good shot.

On the herbs side of things, I am going to start just my Peppermint tea twice a day and I have some other oil types to aid EWCM but the Agnus Castus i am leaving until i know what happens next cycle. Oh and i am also taking my temperature vaginally from now on. I know i shouldn't start so far into a cycle, but as I am not looking for ovulation anymore, it won't hurt too much- and i have worked out that it is about one degree and a tenth warmer that way so I can adjust accordingly. It will just mean that it is more accurate in building a picture.

Nothing else to report here, just plodding on and inching my way forward till the next month where things can be more certain.

Happier!

Ok, so IF called and we chatted for a long time. I was honest and told them I felt like I had let them down, talking them into trying surrogacy again, and then not even managing to produce an egg! But he was so so kind, funny and down to earth. And he told me not to worry and he would talk to I M for me as I was worried. But she called later too and said all of the nice things she should.

Also, IF is going to talk to a good friend of his, who is a consultant gynae and he took all of my stats down to see what his opinion is. So I have a plan, there is something to work around, my IPs know and they prescribed me lots of cakes and wine!

We have plans to go to theirs this weekend which will be lovely and I can eat lots of baked treats apparently!

However, I have a huge temp shift today. I am not sure what it means yet, but I definitely didn't have any heating on and my battery is new. Bizarre how things work out, but I am not getting hopes up yet- it has to be a sustained thermal shift of 3 or more days. And of course, there is no way that I could get pregnant as it has been a week since Insems but fingers crossed it may be the start of something tangible to work on for next month!
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Taking a deep breath

Ok, so I have stopped panicking so much, and the tears have stopped. And I am thinking a bit clearer.

The last thing I need to do is worry and stress, as that will just make it worse. I have researched more and it looks more and more likely that it is the weight loss, but it won't be forever. It may take me going back up to the weight I was when I stopped Ovulating, which I am unsure of, or it may take me maintaining my weight, but that is the longer option. Or there are meds to get my cycle back on track. Or we just wait for another month to come and go and see if it is a fluke cycle but I am one to take action!

I emailed my IF to organise a chat tomorrow with him- to get his medical opinion, despite him not being in the specialist field and to tell them that there is no 2ww this month. Something I am dreading, after everything I have said and them pursuing surrogacy over adoption. But Its the fair thing to do.

This week I have tried to maintain my weight, eating more and only exercising once. And I lost another 2lbs. Seriously!? Body, give me a break!

So I will update more tomorrow to see what is the plan of action!


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I changed the battery and still no temperature shift. Along with terrible cramps, I am coming to the conclusion of an anovulatory cycle. No matter what my body goes through, be it childbirth, breastfeeding exclusively, miscarriage etc I always have a 27/28 day cycle so I will expect af to be in 10 days time.

And reading all about anovulatory cycles, they aren't really af's, more break through bleeding from oestrogen. Which are usually lighter and shorter. Jst like my last af, so I am thinking my last cycle was one too. And it may explain the breakthrough bleeding of the last 4 months, the sign I took of OV ironically. Although I could be wrong at this stage.

I don't know what to do from here- if I make a huge effort to maintain my weight do my cycles sort themselves out and with what time frame? How many months before I visit my doctor. Or will it take 6 months?

I really feel like I am letting my IPs down, after every we said and did to get here. Or should I say myself. Although I sent my IPs a link to my FF at the beginning but they haven't looked and aren't aware as far I know.

So a pity party for one please!
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Wondering..

I still haven't had a temp rise. In fact I was apparently colder this morning than ever before. 97.1 or 36.2. I have never been that cold, and I actually felt warm this am.
Also, I experienced 3 flat temperatures this cycle. I have always read that purely because external factors vary day to day, it is exceedingly rare to have the same reading 3 days in a row when using a thermometer to two decimal points. I.e you could have a temp or 97.4 three times but exactly 97.42 three days in a row? Unlikely.

Then I remembered. My last cycle in which I used the BBT thermometer, was the one in which I got pregnant. And towards the end of the 2 week wait, I started getting flat temps. We were obviously looking for implantation dips or a triphasic chart, but I kept getting the same reading. We thought it was strange, and I managed to borrow a friends one whilst my IF ordered a new battery. And sure enough, the temps were different and my chart took another shape. By the time it came, I was well and truly pregnant and testing positive so I never bothered changing it.

So when I found all of my 'kit' in the top of the wardrobe, I just began using it. Without a new battery.

Now, I am not saying that all of my temperatures are wrong, but merely saying I am a total tool, and I am going to discount this chart and change the battery. Then I will know what I am truly dealing with!
If you want to leave a comment, outlining why I am an utter moron please feel free!!

Yesterday I had a tiny amount of spotting when I wiped once which has been my new pattern since the cervical erosion. It happens around ovulation as a result of hormone changes (it was the first symptom that made me get checked out if you remember). It was more browny coloured and nowhere near as much as previous months before the cauterising which is good. But I find it interesting to have an external symptom of a possible ovulation. Along with breast tenderness, actual OV pains on both sides, increased libido, my usual hormonal headache a few days back, EWCM and cervical position changes I am feeling just a tiny little bit hopeful that I did infact ovulate.
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My IM and I

We managed to grab a quick picture on our morning Inseminations at their house to mark the occasion! Due to the nature of IFs job I can't include him yet, but we will!
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God love children hey?! I love my children, more than life itself. My 2 youngest ones in particular are so fun loving, cheeky and well, a little mischievous?

So imagine the scene at 6.30 this morning, when my alarm goes off specifically so I can take my temp- remember its THE temperature that is so very important. I was wishing away the hours last night in anticipation. Did I ovulate, did I ovulate on time, have the insems been timed well? I still haven't seen a surge on an OPK so this is the only way at the moment.
But my thermometer wasn't there, where it usually is on my bed side table.

Needless to say, 4 hours later of searching, asking, maybe some bribery, we found that my 3 year old had hidden it in a tiny gap in my leather bed stead. So no temperatures to analyse today, no relief, and another 24 hours of waiting to see!! Bless them! :-)
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We have completed 2 insems, so officially in the 2 week wait. Well, possibly longer as OV isn't here yet. In a dreamy, ideal world, my temp will spike tomorrow and have a clear shift. Without that, and my IPs away for the week, I don't hold out much hope. But still, the nerves have gone and the practice run went well. Will update once I see a thermal shift!
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After some chasing up, contract is ready!!! And, I have EWCM!!! CP is nice and high and my supplies arrived in the post. IF flies in at 9 and I will going straight to bed after insems. I CAN NOT believe that everything has changed within the space of 3 hours. Wish us luck!
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Just a quick one

I should have charted before. I kept a vague track of length of cycles since my last match but no temps, no CM, no ovulation. And because everything has happened so quickly, from them being just friends to wanting to match and then maybe TTC immediately I have no clue. Which is NOT like me. Gah, feeling fed up!

So I had a brief day of EWCM on day 12, then it vanished. Then though, my cervical position was low, and no surge detected on OPKs. And now CP is higher on day 14 but CM is non existent and I know I always have a 27.5 day cycle so I should be there by now. Oh and I have no rise in temp so it hasn't happened yet. So goodness knows what's going on. IF is flying back in from a conference tonight at 9 so he may pop in on the way home (god love local IPs!)but not sure if there is any point.

I just need this cycle over and we can start a fresh one with this months cycle information on board. And I can go back to being knowledgeable! Ha ha!
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