All set

The meeting with the Head of Midwifery went really really well. She was lovely and actually, similar to me in her approach.
 S was here after getting we have decided to try and see this through to the end and he took the day off to be there. And just that fact that we saw her, in our house, away from my IPs and as a couple really helped him feel connected and a part of things. She definitely erred on the side of the surrogate despite knowing C at work and that was reassuring. She reassured us that I was the number one most important thing so she won't put up with any nonsense from staff or Ips.

 Anyway, most of the plan I can have as I requested, there are one or two things that I has suspected wouldn't be able to happen, and I was right- all normal things like being able to leave before the baby, or vice versa, but N is going to be allowed to do the day to day care and we can have a side room. Phew. So now the forms are all signed, she has assured me that there will multiple copies in all notes and every MW on shift will know the score.

 So on the back of that, S took me shopping to get my last minute things for my hospital bag and now that is all packed too, minus the last minute things like phones and chargers. So, things are set!

I am a bit pissed with a new insight into my IF as the HOM who came to our house, has known him for such a long time and had been trying to talk him around to the home birth idea. It was my original idea as it would make everyone's life easier, including theirs but him being who he is, he didn't like the idea. She also admitted that me delivering at the other hospital like I wanted would have been much easier and preferable to her professionally. But again C didn't see the point and I was guided by him. There are few other things that apparently have been said but I am not going to pay attention to those and just knuckle down.

I have started Evening Primrose Oil vaginally now and last night I managed to find my cervix relatively easy. On an amateur scale, I would say that I was already a 1-2 cm and 50% effaced, as my cervix was quite flat, soft and slightly open. All good news! Oh and baby was incredibly low again this AM as I could bend right over to put on a sock without feeling out of breath! Things are looking good!

36 weeks

I am 36 weeks tomorrow and feeling every inch of it!
 I would normally post on the day or after but it's my eldest's 15th Birthday and we have so much planned all weekend. And on Monday I have a visitor coming. The Head of Midwifery in the hospital I am delivering at is coming to my house. Yup, talk about over the top. Firstly, I literally can't move my legs today. I need help going upstairs, getting shoes on turning over into bed and getting out of the bath. So now I need to get the house immaculate for her arrival. Yes, I could just leave it and blush, but I can't have someone like that think that things are slipping, or I am not coping. I would be mortified, but that's just me. So cue lots of prepping and extra cleaning. Fingers crossed it's just a bad few days and by Monday, things will be better.

 The reason she wants to come is that I finished my birth plan with regards to surrogacy and sent it over after the rude, condescending pain in the backside  community midwife called and chased me up with her usual tact.
 So this manager wants to talk about it with me. Uh, oh. So I will update the blog after then- she said on the phone that it was good, was straight to the point and concise. Let's hope that she won't object to much to what I have asked for. None of it was over the top of ridiculous  I may include it one day once it's approved.

Baby wise, feeling good in myself, baby is quieting down lately and my bump definitely dropped the last few days. I could feel her right down low and I could breath and bend over, and I had some lovely long, painful CXs which went to nothing in the end. But today, she is up back high again- all very normal to bob in and out with PG number 5 but still- I was getting my hopes up! Ooh and my breasts started leaking, right through my clothes (an unual thing this early on for me) so pumping will commence some time later next week and I have started taking EPO to see what it can do to my cervix for the possible induction.

Anyway, bump picture attached. Baby is measuring big, approximately 7 lbs already going by the chart but we all know they are often wrong. But I will admit, my bump is huge. As is my bum, legs, face, arms......so lets call it 5 lbs of baby and 2 lbs of cake ;-)

Excuse the trousers and T shirt- they are my best friends these days!

35 week post

Today we are 35 plus 2 and I am feeling much like my old self in terms of my last past. This is what I mean about swings and round a bouts, hormonal roller coasters. I just need to ride the wave and not panic next time. But at the moment emotionally I am feeling great and very excited and mentally prepared. Lots of other births going on around me that I am learning from and taking comfort in. I am on the hunt for a breast pump this week that I will start to use from 37 weeks. We have the syringes and their stoppers organised and I am learning to hand pump to to be able to collect the colostrum but I am not particularly hopeful I will get much- it is so early and I was an awful expresser anyhow. But MW said at least the very first feed is all i need to worry about, so about 10 ml which regulates baby sugars and coats the stomach ready for the formula so that is may aim. It's good to have aims!

 Physically, I haven't been able to take my Codeine for 3 days and I haven't slept as a consequence. That one or two little tablets mean that I don't wake myself up every time I move through pain, mean that my hips don't ache within minutes of laying there and I feel more relaxed. However, I am hoping to be able to take one tonight and sleep like a baby, as tired isn't the word! I have been nesting like a maniac lately too, but I can't mop, hoover, move things very well, so I am buying storage left right and centre and then taking my time to sort bits out and organise. Very frustrating, but that sums up the last few weeks anyway!

I also ordered a necklace for my IM to give to her on 'D day', which is from a seller on Etsy. It is a chain with two round silver tags on- one with two tiny feet imprinted on it and the other say the word 'Believe'. I had it in mind from day one for her as she really needed to believe that this could happen. I just have to pay the customs on it ( I didn't think of that btw, so be prepared to factor that into the total price!) and then find something for my IF. He is the worst person to buy for and has anything that he would ever need. Well apart from the baby of course, but I wanted something for them to have on the day to remember it by. I had better get looking as we *should* only have 3 weeks and 3 days left! Eek!

Bump picture to come soon.

34 week midwife checkup

Wow, 3 posts in one week, how extra rambly am I!

  Just got back from a MW appointment and what a rude, nosey and uneducated woman she was! I haven't met her before as she is the team leader, and it doesn't help that she called me by the wrong name the whole time as it was clear she couldn't be bothered to read my notes properly, then she was getting mixed up as to why we were actually there (it was a routine appointment, that's all!) and then she was really very rude to my IM referring the baby as mine, reminding her that she would have no say in decisions and telling us off for not following protocol. I.e she didn't appreciate the news at the beginning of the pregnancy that my IPs were personal friends of her boss and we had already sorted the paper work, hospital plans and an induction date. She referred to it as "going through the back door" and "through friends of friends" and really, it was me that should be doing it all. Bad surrogate for being organised and using the resources I have to hand. Ha.

 Then when she was talking about the impact on my family with a silly pained expression on her face (she really doesn't like Surrogacy in general I thought) she asked me about the impact on my 'poor' husband and children and I burst in to tears. Oh dear. That was like fodder for her. If any of you know me though Fb, S and I separated over Christmas mainly down the surrogacy and how it was making him react/feel. Yes, there are other issues, and we are trying to sort this out through counselling but the timing of this and the main reason are not coincidental. So cue lots of blubbing with her sticky beaking and her fake niceties. I was an inspiration apparently and it must be so hard to be in so much pain for someone else, whilst it's my egg too but said like she was smug and not surprised. Ugh.
 To top it off, N and I left the office and she hugged me tightly and apologised for putting me through so much physical and emotional pain and that she loved me so much for doing this and she would never be able to thank me. Cue more crying again! I needed a good drink just to rehydrate myself.

And strangely now I feel so much better. Hearing those thank you's and likewise, the acknowledgement of the situation and an apology from N helped tremendously, then us walking arm in arm, laughing off the rude MW as two women together helped, and the little cry helped. And I am so determined to prove her and people like her wrong. Yes, it's hard, and it will get harder but I am proud and it will all be worth it. I have a new spirit of determination to knuckle down and get on to the delivery!

Health wise, baby is measuring 2 weeks ahead still so at least it isn't off the chart (despite the MW telling me I have put on too much weight and lay off eating too much 'healthy' food which I am eating to compensate the terrible Codeine constipation), she is head down, just hovering above the pelvis in readiness, BP was a good 120/55 and all my bloods and urine came back great.
So 4 weeks left fingers crossed! Bring it on!!!

Just a quick note..

.....to say I am feeling a lot better today and yesterday and thank you to those of you who left comments and emailed me. Apparently my feelings or protectiveness are normal as are the differing emotions that happen through out the course of a TS journey  especially the first time. So just knowing that it is normal, that I am doing everything right, is half the relief. The other half is acceptance. I had a little cry and then tried to see things other ways. And I am back to feeling excited and proud today.  Long may it continue but it isn't the end of the world if not. I am human, doing something that isn't particularly a normal, everyday human act and it's a learning, growing curve. And relax......

34 weeks thoughts

There is absolutely nothing happening on the baby front here. She is moving around well, getting bigger! We have a MW appointment on Tuesday. The only things of significance is I had a little slip on wet tiles and did my already painful pelvis a huge mischief but all is well and baby seemed unfazed by it all. I have been having to have a pain killer during the day as well as night to be able to move but I am sure the pain will lessen a little. Or this is now just the way it will be till the end and I will get used to it! My legs aren't cooperating at all at the moment so they don't lift when I think they are. Cue lots of stumbles anyway. See a child's toy, step over it but I don't miss it at all as my legs just aren't working the way they should. Ugh.

Emotionally, I am not feeling too good either at the moment. From conception, I will be honest and say that my feelings have changed. Usually down to the hormones. So at the very beginning, I found the whole thing very exciting- I had been trying for 2 years and now it was really happening.
 Then perhaps, the next week I would be feeling a little overwhelmed as there wasn't any going back, a sense of responsibility so overwhelming that it was hard to concentrate on anything else. But then say we would have a scan and I would see my IPs faces and I would feel nothing for the blob on the screen, so i would go back to being laid back and just happy for them. Content in my decision.
 But then maybe a shift in hormones, or a small disagreement between my IPs and I,I  would start questioning myself. Am I strong enough to do this, to what cost emotionally would this birth cost me as a person? Then maybe in the second trimester, I would go back to feeling really proud as people were asking about my stomach and what the situation was. That has been the biggest, over riding emotion for me the 8 months- pride.

But every now and then I get worried again. Sometimes I can have a dream say, so realistic and she is there with the other children, or I dream about the delivery and it is a horrible experience with 'evil IPs'. The psyche is a powerful thing and mix that with hormones, it isn't easy to avoid dreams like that and they can last all day afterwards.

Now, I will NEVER ever think about keeping the child. It is NOT my child, I know that. I don't want another child, and especially this one. I am a TS, not a mother. But I still have these days where I wake up panicked, thinking what on earth have I done and what am I going to be like after. I have thought through every situation, played through every eventuality before I did this. I am an over thinker. This blog proves that. But thinking and planning is one thing. Reality is another! Until you are there, you can't say how you are going to be and I don't want to be left unhappy, empty and used up and on days like today that is my biggest fear. I know that by next week my feelings will have settled down again and I will go back to being excited and proud. It is the way that I as a TS have been and I am sure there are other surrogates out there that feel the same.

I met my Ips family last night, as one sister will be the guardian should the IPs die and it kicked up feelings for me that I wasn't so sure about. I made this baby for C and V, as a huge gift and I am proud of that and excited still. I have wanted to, not for money, because I believe that they will make fantastic parents, have so much love to give and they have waited so long for this. It was a calling out of love for them. But should they die, I didn't like the thought of handing the child over to these strangers in a delivery room, who aren't genetically related to her and who are almost 50 years of age and have grown up children. It didn't make sense to me that should the IPs die between now and the Parental order being granted I would have to, when I am the one that cares so much for her already with a biological link and a warm spot in my heart for her. Sure, I don't want another child but in that scenario? I find that really weird.
As a surrogate I can't voice that and if I do, I am wrong. I can't imagine looking at the child's face and saying that a piece of paper made me hand her over in a delivery room to people that weren't her parents, I didn't know them, they haven't been vetted and who probably wouldn't want to have to start over again anyway. What would she think in 18 years time about that. (apparently they would love another one- but I just felt like saying have one then, you don't need this one- hormones flying!)
 Just to add too, if the child goes home with the IPs for a few months and becomes part of their family, and then they die, I wouldn't have problem with it- its exactly like what happens up and down the country sadly when children are orphaned and so not my place to intervene. What I am talking about is before the baby is born and in the very first few days/week. That just feels different to me.

Anyway, them dying in the next 3 or 4 months isn't going to happen. Its just part of the planning process that we had contracted earlier. The chances are it is hypothetical so therfore no need to get hung up over, right? And of course I will stick to the contract so my opinions are invalid and pointless anyhow. But the aftermath of that thinking is that of course,  it kicked up some worry in me. Am i supposed to be feeling so protective and thoughtful about her? Technically, most surrogates and IPs would say no, it's not my place. Just baby make, collect cash and a little thanks and move on, to hell with her feelings, and what I am feeling. But I guess that I am just different to that and always have been.

33 week pump picture

Can you see why they are predicting a 10lb/11lb baby at 40 weeks?! I haven't actually put much weight on the rest of me, it is mainly bump! (and my bum too of course) I am seriously struggling to breath already and it really hurts when she moves around. 

Less than 6 weeks left with any luck!

Happy New Year everyone! This year, I am going to be having a baby for C and V, making a family and making them into parents! Can you tell I am very excited.

 I am almost 33 weeks and the potential/hopeful induction will be in 5 weeks and 5 days time. I am trying to view it as just an appointment, very early in the morning to see if my cervix is favorable for labour so I don't get my hopes up. Regardless, it is helping me psychologically every time I feel hopeless and down with pain and limited mobility.  And the pain killers are helping physically too.  Quite a bit more sleep is happening which makes the world a brighter place in general.

The SPD pain is terrible this last week, but I sort of expected it, with this gestation and the fact that we had Christmas and I probably over did it. Well, I have 4 children, it was inevitable. I won't go in to why our Christmas, my Birthday and New Year was horrendous but it was and lets just say that I am grateful that it is over and now I can focus on the next 6 weeks!

 My IPs are still great, taking us out to see a Pantomime, giving us really thoughtful gifts and then throwing me a birthday tea including cake to take home with me. In return, I put together a Xmas hamper for them, with their favourite foods and things that they will need when baby will be here too and they loved it.

As for baby, she is still hurting me! I have never known a baby to move so much, from so early on and for it to hurt so much. I should be grateful and I am, honestly, but it does make me worry a little- how big she is or do I have a low level of liquor? Certainly feels like it and i am beginning to dread her having one of her very frequent disco jives as it is so uncomfortable. Bad bad surrogate.....

That is it for now. I think baby has a name according to C and V but it isn't official yet, so I will keep quiet till I know for sure!