Wednesday, 24 October 2012

22 weeks

So, I am so close to viablility. God, I need to make C and V parents, and being at the point of 24 weeks is one step closer for all sorts of reasons.

This week I have been affected by the story of another surrogate due the same time as us, as the baby passed away. The lady was so strong and the story and what happened was so sad and tragic. It plays on my mind no end and every time baby kicks, which is A LOT, I give myself a little smile and thank the heavens.

I am feeling good, I managed to decorate our bedroom this past weekend and breezed through it. I am tired today though (Monday) so I am taking it easy. Oh and today, every one of my teeth hurts, a proper aching and all of my jaw too. Some of the mums at the school said they have had it too and it was the fact that baby needed the calcium. Sounds like an old wives tale to me, but perfectly feasible i guess. So going to to watch my intake.

Its been a bit weird here lately as my OH has been really struggling with this pregnancy, with the situation. He supported me for 2 years, agreed to do this and signed contracts, opened up his home and made lunches and coffees for IPs and gave me lots of advice. He has been amazing to be frank. But it seemed that as soon as my belly took a life of it's own, he has struggled.

I noticed he was getting quieter, not asking about the baby movements for instance or, the worse of it, not making any allowances for me being pregnant. Now, I am a fiercely independent person. Probably stems from my times as a single parent, but I don't like to lean on people for things that in my head, I should be doing myself. Pregnancy isn't any different for me, especially a surrogate one. But it was becoming a bit silly when I was struggling to take the bin out or climb step ladders. And. I am a bit lonely, as he is one of my best friends and if I don't have him, I am a bit stuck. There are other marital problems of course, just like anyone else, but it's pretty obvious that we know what the huge elephant in the room is. Pun intended.

  I have managed to talk to him, and he has admitted he feels jealous, broody, disconected, resentful and the guilty at the above to name but a few. He can't touch me even and I feel like hiding away my stomach. I am not sure what to do, apart from keep talking to him, and making sure that I don't flaunt it in his face. Part of me is angry at him. He agreed to this, happy to help others even. But I know there isn't a handbook for surrogacy, or how to be a surrogates husband especially and even when you think that you have planned for every eventually mentally, something can crop up out of the blue. So i am putting a brave face on and sucking it up. Maybe it will get easier for him.
  I reached out to a fb group last night and there was another surrogate who had her husband feel similar so I know we aren't alone. That in itself is invaluable. But I am still sad about it.

Feel better for getting that out there. Oh and I am still vlogging. Someone for the love of god subscribe to my channel. Its embarrassing!

Friday, 12 October 2012

20 week scan!

Our scan was yesterday and it was in all, such a wonderful day. I got to spend time with my IF as he took me out for coffee and catch up and then my IM met us for our scan.
 Baby was measuring on the 50th percentile line so exactly where it should be, all the anotomy is where it should be and is formed correctly. The sonogrpaher was the same lady as last time, despite it being in a different hospital and she was just as lovely, excited and pro surrogacy as last time. In fact she kept us there a lot longer, (despite her colleague becoming increasingly suspicious!) and we were given so many photos of the ultrasound after, with no charge. Meanwhile, my IP's were smiling, and laughing, and crying and squeezing my hand and we found out the gender.
Now bearing in mind that with no exaggeration  there ALL BOYS on the IF's side for 3 or 4 generations, and the way I had been feeling throughout this pregnancy, I assumed it was a boy. My IM had no real preference  only for a healthy baby of course, but deep down she has imagined a pretty girl for the 12 years she had been trying.........And now she has one!! I was so shocked and i still can't believe it, I have been calling him a him since our BFP :-). It seems that i make far more girls than boys!

 My IM and I, waiting in the waiting room! (Excuse my awful pregnancy skin!)
 My IPs and I, after our scan. We asked the sonographer to take a picture! I don't think they could smile anymore!
 These are the feet that kick me so hard, I can see it from the outside.

Baby girl :-)

Monday, 8 October 2012

20 weeks, wohooo!

And feeling amazing! I am a little more tired this week as I have been working in the house like a trojan, and we have had back to back illness for the children but feeling great. I am loving that my belly has finally popped out and I (think?) I look pregnant. Baby is moving aroung so much I can almost feel him from the outside which will be so cool for my Ips to feel. Our scan is in 4 days and I just can't wait to see their faces watching him. Obviously, it can be nerve wracking as they check all of his stats and anatomy but I am hopeful and positive that all is good. Touch wood.

Today marks a new day for me in terms of the diet- I have put on 21 pounds since the BFP. That is absolutely not on and I have to do something about it. The main reasons are that my metabolism was incredibly sluggish living over 1200 cals for 5 months immmediately before hand, not being able to run as I was doing 3 times weekly before and all I want to eat is bread, toast and pizza.

Unless I eat those things, I have such watery mouth, a sicky, sloshy feeling in my stomach and i get heart burn. Not sure why, but the thought of eating anything else just doesn't do it for me! Meat and fruit at the worst things for my heartburn right now. BUT i have to, i will have to try harder and I am inputting my cals into my fitness pal again. God, that was depressing, looking at my lowest weight that I last inputted 5 months ago, my starting weight in the new year, and my weight now. But I feel motivated- I am not going to be stupid about this, I don't believe in losing weight in pregnancy per se, but I need to aim to maintain this weight I am now, for the rest of the pregnancy. I think that is a healthy attitude to have an totally doable.

So that is it- hoping to update after the scan on Thursday. I am in two minds whether I want to know the gender, and so are my Ips. I did worry at the beginning about bonding should I know the sex, and ultimately it isn't up to me, but I just imagine him as a boy and so therefor, bond to him as a boy. And that is ok! Bonding in a sense that he is a surrogate baby, not mine but someone else to look after for the time being. It isn't scary to say those things either. He isn't mine but mine for the duration to care for, I think of him as a sweet little thing and i wouldn't have anything bad happen to him. But glad to hand him over and get my life back on track as it was before. Just like a nephew. Or neice!

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

I did a vlog!

I thought I would try a vlog, to mark our half way mark. It is very rambly and actually a bit dull. Oh and excuse the phone in the background!