Tuesday, 27 November 2012

27 week updates

Today I am 27 plus 3 and a lot has been going on here. Nothing in terms of my post last week thankfully. Everything has been on the up with my IPs, they have been fantastic and I am so glad that i managed to explain how I was feeling and we can all move on from it stronger than ever. IF is away again for another charity mission but IM is being sweet and bringing my frozen meals over. So sweet!

 My SPD has been really bad the last 2 or 3 weeks and my IPs sent me to see a private physio. I can't say, having had it in my number 2 pregnancy 9 years ago, that I learnt much more, but I got a new band to wear and some new exercises, so just going made me feel proactive and not so worried. When I had it with my son, I was in a wheelchair from 35 weeks, using crutches from 28 and having to sleep sitting up for the last 10 weeks. To say I got very down, is an understatement and it does worry me that it will be that bad again. Fingers crossed though, I am thinking positively and being sensible!

Which then brings me on to the next point- since Friday I have been having tightenings, a little stronger than Braxton Hicks, up to every 2 minutes. They weren't painful, but uncomfortable and I began timing them and they went on all day, no exaggeration. In fact most of the weekend. But as soon as I changed position, they went let up a while so I wasn't overly worried. Then I started having stabbing pains in my cervix, and yesterday i felt really damp, like a watery discharge. So i assumed perhaps the band I was wearing was irritating my uterus, but i stopped wearing that on Saturday, and yet they continued.

 However, yesterday and today they have gone back down to about 2 or 3 an hour which is comforting to say the least, but I went to see the doctor today, and she checked everything over. My cervix is still tightly closed, she couldn't see any leaking fluid using a speculum, I tested negative for a UTI or other infection which could cause pre term labour and because they are ceasing and my cervix is closed, I am to rest up for now. But if they come back like they were over the weekend, or I get backache I am to go to the hospital for monitoring.

So that has been my week/10 days. The baby is moving around so much, her heartbeat was good and strong when checked and she is head down! Not engaged, and down the right way which is fantastic!

Oh and my OH has been amazing the last week, and he seems so much more on board since I sorted out the issues with my IPs. He even strokes my tummy now! So sweet, and so helpful, especially as I am quite tired lately, with not sleeping due to the SPD! Fingers crossed all continues to be plain sailing from here.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

And to prove they listen, these came today. Happy days, I am easily pleased!

Feeling a little better...

Just wanted to pop in and say that I have worked through some of my issues I talked about in my last post and I even sat them down and told them how I was feeling. I was keen to not go on a witch hunt and I just explained how I was feeling, regardless of whether they had done something to warrant it or not.
  Summarised, "this is just how I am feeling, I am sorry, I don't blame you, i blame myself and it's more a case of the reality of being a TS and the impact it has on my family that you necessarily having actually done anything". I really didn't want to alienate them and cut my nose off to spite my face. Luckily, after the initial worry and a little hurt, they saw my side, offered more money should I need it and promised to make more of an effort with showing me they care and more patient in general. It is so lovely to be able to talk to them and say what i need to, providing I can do it in a civilized, calm way.

 In my week of thinking, i realised that my main issue wasn't so much the lesser amount of expenses, but that the fact that apart from the early weeks, I haven't had many friendship tokens either, such as flowers or cards etc so it left me feeling like I was a cheap surrogate, who wasn't their friend either. Hell, I haven't had one bunch of flowers, ever. And when the pain of my pelvis kicks in or when I am too tired to play with the kids, or I feel her move around at 3 am and I know that I am going to miss her in a few short months,  everything is amplified and the little things become bigger. If that makes sense?

Anyway. There isn't a guide book after all! (how many times have i said that on here!) But we all know where we stand a little better now. Oh and talked to my IF about my worries concerning delivering at his hospital, and he has taken that on board too. So no more medical jargon in front of me and my IM has promised that she would reign him in should he need it!

 I may blog about that concern one day when I get around to it! But I am so on a Christmas roll here! One way of contributing to the household for me, is making sure that I find and hunt bargains for the kids gifts and food, and maybe sell off old bits they don't need too. So I am in my element this week and busy! We have a little friend around for tea too today, so better had get cracking!

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

24 week bump pictures

24 weeks. Happy viability day baby!

We are here!! Baby has ultimately a better chance of making from now on, as a hospital would do their best to keep her alive should anything happen. Apparently babies born after 29 weeks ultimately have the best odds over other gestation's  but to me this was important. In my cycling group, we have had more loss and scary situations this week and it never leaves you anyway. Something about a surrogacy situation that makes you feel more vulnerable, more scared and see more of the heartache of pregnancy.
The fear does center around making my IPS into a family of course  I have their hopes and desires on my shoulders.

I am feeling great, still a little tired and the muscles at the bottom of the the bump can hurt if i do too much but still enjoying being pregnant, feeling the baby move! Emotionally, this week I find myself sometimes feeling a tiny bit resentful. Again, another honest blog post (see no ranibows and unicorn posts on this blog!).

Every time the pregnancy affects my life, which isn't often yet i know, as I am still feeling amazing, i find myself feeling a little bit irked. Angry at myself for wanting to do this maybe?.... (What was I thinking?).... I am missing out on bits and bobs with the children, no one will give me a job so Christmas is going to be a bit tight this year again, my pelvis and bump are sore at the end of the day, my IPS continually tell me to stop doing x,y and z and sleeping isn't as much fun as it was. Oh and I may die through this and my life wasn't so bad before anyway!

I guess that initial warm glow of satisfaction of helping people isn't all its cracked up to be sometimes when the going gets tougher. Then I think of my IPs almost haggling with me to my lower figure of expenses despite on being high income that only a fraction of the UK population are on, so there really isn't anything there to treat myself or the children with. They spend the total I am getting to cover this pregnancy.... on a holiday. NO joke. I guess that doesn't figure. I don't know.

Just to reiterate, my expense amount is a third to quarter less of what UK organisations and the UK law suggest as reasonable. I cut back and offered a lower amount as they were my friends and I didn't agree with there being a flat range of expenses as surely everyone's expenses would be different?.....And I wanted to gain my IPs respect by showing that I wasn't selling a baby.
 In the end though, a few months down the line, it feels like they wanted a good deal and then that translates into them not thinking that I would at least deserve to be offered a little more, for the amazing thing I was doing?

I didn't do this for monetary gain, it's illegal here, I am not a womb whore. I don't and didn't want to ask for £30,000 plus. But in my hormone confuggled brain it feels a little like being the hired help to the upper classes sometimes. I also didn't ask for loss of organ, reproductive or otherwise, for similar reasons. And neither did they offer, despite knowing for our agency usually ask for! And Scott has admitted this hasn't helped his attitude towards them or the situation which then has obviously affected our marriage, but I am taking the blame for that rightly. I chose to take the lesser amount regardless of my reason.

I am helping people to the detriment of myself and my family and that in itself should be enough. I shouldn't be feeling a little angry or used occasionally. Merely helping people altruistically was enough 6 months ago, a year ago, 2 years a go, It is for other surrogates for goodness sake!

Do other no or low comp surrogates ever get these little moments of resentment i wonder? Regardless, I have to get rid of these occasional bursts of anger, it isn't fair. I chose to do this! I knew that it would affect my children and they would feel the affects.

 I am trying to find my way back to where I started, I promise. Just writing this down is helping me (written over 3 days as I wanted to be sure it was a definite, valid feeling.) I know what ever I am feeling, is natural to me. There isn't a guide book to this and I have to deal with each new feeling and move forward with it. I am sure there are other people feeling the same in some way and i have faith it will pass! My Ips will get their baby and I will make a family. But I am unsure to what cost to us as a family that's all.....

I know I will look back in weeks to come and cringe about this post as I don't think i have explained myself very well and I have probably come across as selfish, mean and bitchy. But if anyone else signing up to do this is reading, please make sure everything in your contract is as it should be and as you want it to be. Don't think you know better because the chances are, you don't!