Wednesday, 30 May 2012

This cycle?

We are running around like mad men this week. Trying to get everything drawn up, ordered and organised. The agreement meeting was fun, and IF came along too which is always great. So we covered everything, my life insurance policy is in place as soon as they send my paperwork to sign and supplies are being ordered. So, we thought we may get a trial run in this cycle.

I tend to do this with the previous 3 couples I have matched with as no one holds out much hope of them working, we can get over any last minute embarrassment and trial run the journeys, time taken etc. Just to remember I met them through an organisation for surrogacy 2 years ago and they have access to my medical records and I have had their test results too. So it really is a case of just starting the conceiving part now that everyone is on the same page and I wouldn't advocate doing this so quickly unless I knew them as well as I do and knew that their CRBs were done- which they have.
I still think that it will take at least 4 months to achieve pregnancy, but if it should happen, I will be over the moon.

The contract is just being typed up and we will all sign asap as OV is due this weekend. I will not, repeat not, start until that is done so we will see!
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Monday, 28 May 2012

Almost June!

And the parallels between this year and last are hard to ignore. This time last year we were finishing off testing and planning to TTC in June.
It was hot like it is now, and I had excitement written all over my face. Which is exactly the same as this year. Almost to the day everything is identical apart from the fact that I had known my last couple for 3/4months by conceiving and this time I have known C and V coming up for 2 years. And I am 4 stone lighter. But it all feels really weird, looking at charts especially.

Anyway, meeting tomorrow with IM to go over the agreement, and I have started properly charting. I found my BBT thermometer, an almost full pack of ovulation tests, syringes and pots. Which is handy, but also weird too. And so quickly do I slip back into talking termination, samples, temperatures and cervix position do I remember- I was born to do this. It is my natural comfort zone!

So we are still on for June- I don't expect any difficulties with the contract phase. We are still in contact every other day, IF and I still getting on so well, I really have so much fun with him and he, I.

Last year I conceived the second month or trying, in July. Hoping that its the same or less, but we will see. I keep worrying that I will have problems. Maybe my cervical erosion can cause complications (doctor says no as does most of google), or I am older now, lost too much weight and mucked up ovulation, or that the IF is older so my chances drop. Last time I worked with two IFs and we alternated it. No chance of that now.

But I need to shake it, as that won't help. I am here for the long haul and I will do all there is to make it work. I learnt that, and perseverance from a good surrogate friend recently! It really can make dreams come true.
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Wednesday, 23 May 2012

It worked

Firstly, thank you to those who have commented on and off the blog- you make excellent and valid points which I have used when thinking it over and contact with them.

So I sent a firm, sort of friendly, concise email and simply asked for them to let me know what they wanted by the end of this week. I told them this situation was unfair on me, even though I was sorry that they were scared and confused- it isn't my problem. I was done convincing them so please let me know if they wanted the chance of this amazing gift.

2 hours later I received two heartfelt apologetic emails from them, and they want to start contracts and testing immediately and we will, providing everything is in place, start next cycle, so beginning of July.
Now I know that there are concerns, but I genuinely see their point of view- they end the adoption process now and that makes surrogacy their everything. And based on previous experience, that doesn't work. So ultimately they will end up childless forever. Tough. So they are taking a huge gigantic risk here, telling the Social worker they are giving up and burning their bridges. They will never be accepted on to their books again.

Which brings things on to my shoulders. Seriously, as soon as they said yes, reality hit me. I have met lots of IPs before obviously, all knocking on the last chance, trying to fulfil their dreams. But this is my responsibility. I am their only hope now, I really have a lot to do. My body simply can't let them or me down. Wow.

But my favourite saying in life is 'anxiety and activity can not co-exist'. I.e Roz, get preparing, get cracking. So I started double strength folic acid, prenatal vitamins and my trusty green teas. I am down another 3 lbs this week to a BMI of 27.7 and in another 2 weeks, I will be starting to maintain my weight. That means an extra 400 calories (wohoo) and watching the scales closely. I don't want to jeopardise falling pregnant by dieting. I am also in two minds about my Agnus Castus- I think it worked well last time but not sure I can risk any negative side affects....hmmm.

Next Tuesday my IM and I are going out for lunch and sorting the fundamentals of the agreement which will be nice!

More later!
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Monday, 21 May 2012

Wanting to make people, not convince people

Had a text from N last Thursday, asking to see me this weekend. Thought it was strange, to be so urgent, especially as I knew they were originally busy. So they came over Sunday for a coffee. After the initial pleasantries, we got talking about old childhood toys and me being me, thought I would cut to the chase. Maybe they could use them for their adopted child.... That was when N said that they were in a turmoil, C didn't want to adopt anymore at all, and persue surrogacy. But she still wasn't sure. They had apparently been talking it over all week, not sleeping, and well, having heated discussions.
I really thought they were going to just say "so will you be our surrogate?". But we talked for another hour or two or pros and cons, what I could do, what surrogacy could offer, how amazing this opportunity would be. Seriously, I felt like I was putting a tender in to do work. My OH likened it to being on the apprentice, me pitching why I should be their surrogate.

But as they left they said they would love to plan something, as they don't want to lose me, or this chance and didn't want me to work with anyone else, and they just needed to work on how to go about telling the adopting panel. We discussed testing, and us sorting out the contract between ourselve and not using our agency this time. I would hear back from them soon about plans to start. Great!!

After some further 30 emails in the afternoon(I counted) we are still no further. They are still scared, still worried and N needs to get her head around it all. So no plans then?

So today, I lost patience finally and sent them an email. I want to know either way this week. I don't know if I should be getting ready to TTC like charting or folic acid, we still haven't covered fundamentals or an agreement. So if it is a yes, I need a plan! Or if it is a no, that is fine too, just tell me already!! Jeez!! Agh, and breathe.......

To make matters worse, I finally logged into fertility friend after 9 months off as it is CD1 today, maybe as preparation, and I saw my old charts. The ones that led to the surrobaby I lost. It brought back fond memories actually, excitement and hope. Then sadness. I want that back.

I promise, the next time I blog, by Friday with any luck, I will know. And I can go back to blogging about my year in surrogacy, not about me trying to convince people!!
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Thursday, 17 May 2012

I am going to be filling in forms to join another organisation tonight. Not looking forward to huge stack, but as I had to doctors on Tuesday to cauterise my cervix (its all done and finished- yay!) I got her to sign me off as healthy and of sane mind for surrogacy.

Husband isn't happy with the no mans land we are in and so we have decided to bite the bullet and pull the plug. It will take a few weeks to get the ball rolling (how many catchphrases can I show horn in today?)what with the office receiving them, having a home visit and getting a new CRB done so that will keep my end of the bargain with c and v and get things moving along for me.

Should I hear from a couple independently or through a recommendation in the mean time, I won't hesitate to get to know them and then ultimately tell c and v my new plans but we all know you can't actively look for those situations- they tend to present themselves out of the blue!
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Wednesday, 16 May 2012

17th May

Ok, so one day, or one text/email to be precise, I really think we are going to match. Something is said, a hope aired, a compliment paid. Then it leads nowhere again and I go back to thinking of moving on. Apparently they are talking, lots, about their options.

And I am getting angrier the more it drags on, the more I talk it over with friends or my husband. Because I understand them not wanting to risk everything just quite yet, playing both sides, hedging their bets so to speak but let's get this straight. I am offering a biological child to them, a pregnancy of their own. Imput, control, a whole new little person. And if they can't move forward now? I have offered to wait a year and match with them then. Its simple really- I just don't won't to wait another 8 months before any further action. A no mans land.

But yet I get texts out of the blue that make sure they remain in my thoughts and heart, or offer certain things in a match to make sure that I am enticed to wait.
And I would admire them even more if they took a risk! Either way is a bit of a risk really. Just make a decision for definite.

I promised to give them a few months, back in March, so reallistically I only have another month of waiting and then I will make things go for me.

I am just frustrated at this situation. Back to feeling less so tomorrow, and from now on, I promise!
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Friday, 11 May 2012

Ok, so I sent them an email outlining how I was feeling. I suggested that we make tentative plans to match the following year after the next 2 or 3 months were over and assured them that I wasn't fobbing them off or giving up - merely waiting until a time where they would be able to move forward. And I would match in the mean while. I didn't have to point out that it wouldn't be 100% as things can change medically of course.

After a day passed, I got a lovely email from IF understanding my position and thankful I told them. The interesting part was the way it was written. Lots of "we don't want to lose you" and "we love you as friends" and then, "I really want a surrochild with you Roz". Then back to the "we both think you are so sweet" again. Interesting? Definitely.

A comment on my earlier post suggested that maybe the IM had an issue with TS (thankyou J) and Its dawning on me that could be true. I have met other intended mothers who are clearly not ready for egg donation or TS. But its manifested itself slightly differently and if its true, has surprised me. It may not be the case of course, but its a good heads up.

Since then, I have had more emails from him assuring me that we will sort something out within my 2-3 month time frame and we have been chatting and tweeting with good humour and banter ever since. So that is a relief and I am pleased that we are as close as ever. Close to a match? Probably not. But close as friends and that will do for now.
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Wednesday, 9 May 2012


Well, we had a fabulous time together, they were so kind to us and the children and as usual it was a laid back, easy day with lots of laughter. I am so close to IF- we have a great banter together and it makes a nice change to find an IF I get on with so well.

However, they had another meeting with their social worker and there still isn't any news regarding children available. So that puts them back a further 2 months on where they would like to be. We talked surrogacy a bit, and IF is worried that I will give up waiting for them and he really wants to talk to her about the situation. She however is just as frustrated, but after 10 years of waiting, isn't as fazed- adoption to her is the only way to go at the moment.

From the outset she was less into the surrogacy than IF anyway, even 18 months ago so I don't think anything will change there. I have promised to wait at least 3 months and I do that purely out of my love for them as a couple, the type of journey we could have and IF wanting surrogacy so much.

We have all promised to keep talking and I will let them know if anything comes up or other couples present themselves to me. I want to work with them specifically SO badly, it will be perfect but to what cost? I need this to happen, my marriage and family need it to- its been 2 years already and its fast becoming another one of those things that I try and don't succeed at. Its taken over our lives for so long and for what? Maybe I should just draw a line under it all. But with ovulation ebbing away as I type, another egg has been and gone and I want to use them to help someone. I am ready physically and emotionally. My due date of the surrobaby I lost has been and gone too.

And what if, let's say, that I am waiting for something that won't ever happen. Maybe I am a back up plan should the adoption not work out. I don't think IF thinks that, but she just isn't into it as I would imagine. I have offered to get pregnant with her husbands child, give her the whole pregnancy experience, scans, kicks, experience the birth, breast milk, and a snuggly newborn of her own and it still isn't enough. I just can't make up my mind on what to do. Any suggestions please!?
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Saturday, 5 May 2012

Just dropping by to say we are seeing C and V on this coming Monday. It's a Bank Holiday here and we are going to theirs again as its just easier believe it or not! Their house and garden are huge by comparison and they seem to like hosting us. And the children love nothing more than snuggling up in their living room by the wood burner in this cold weather we are still having.

Whilst there I am hoping to bring up some of the 'big' questions with regards to our contract, to make sure we are on the same page. Expenses have been agreed near enough and little things like contact during and after but deal breakers such as termination haven't really been brought up. Not sure how we I will bring them up over a lunch when we are fundamentally friends first and they are still putting adoption first but it has to be done!

I have a doctors appointment next week for another inspection of my cervix and see if we need to cauterise it but apart from that, everything is all great. Hit my initial goal weight, have a bmi of 29 but I have decided to carry on to my 4th stone (since January) as I have no reason not to and I am bound to put weight on during any potential pregnancy so better now!

Wish me luck for Monday!
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