Saturday, 25 August 2012

14 weeks

And so so happy to be here! Officially means second trimester and with that, less worry (with any luck) and more energy. I am definitely having more energy and the sickness has almost vanished although it is worse when tired.
We have just come back from a weeks holiday as a whole family and felt pretty good- I even managed some work outs and we were quite active most days walking a few miles.

The biggest update is that I have been feeling him move this week! I thought i could feel something last week and kept tabs on it and this week there really isn't any doubt. He is mainly active at night whilst laying on the sofa or bed and whilst it's too early for actual kicks or to feel movement from the outside, I am enjoying the squirming sensations as I know he is safe and happy.

My IPs are being wonderful, and being as I had always wanted- respectful and yet caring and just like friends. And my IM is having a sort of transformation! She is so much more forthcoming, happy, really excited and comfortable and it rubs off on me. With IF being in Madagascar last week, it was nice to be in contact with her instead and she just keeps thanking me and telling me how wonderful I am. Its so nice to be valued that's for sure!

I am definitely giving surrogacy forums and the whole community a wider berth recently. I still have friends who are surrogates, but in terms of taking part in the community it just doesn't factor in. I think partially, it has something to do with trying to get my life back a bit as I mentioned in my last post, (and sometimes I lose my patience with some Surros and IPs and their conduct alike but more about that another time), but also I don't have anything to say. Like I said, everything (for now) is perfect and as it should be, so what do I have to say or contribute! Of course, things tend to change!

This coming week, dinner with my IPs or a take out at my house if I am too tired to leave the sofa!

Friday, 17 August 2012


We had our ultrasound and everything looked great. Baby was sleeping mostly and I had to get up and walk around to try and get his measurements for Downs testing. He really didn't like have his 'home' jiggled by the Sonographer as he began to kick out and protest- and it still didn't get him into the correct position. So i will have the triple test after 14 weeks instead.
But size wise, he was measuring one day ahead again, making me 13 weeks on Saturday so that is great. And my IM was so overwhelmed and touched- she couldn't stop smiling and/or crying and she kept on thanking me over and over again. She was so sweet.

Sonographer was also really supportive and gave us lots and lots of free pictures instead of £3 each and IM sent some pictures to IF who is in Madagascar on a charity trip for children. He is thrilled and kept saying I was a clever lady- Erm, I am not sure clever has anything to do with it! But their happiness makes everything all worth it and is great to see and hear.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Brain Rambles

By the early scan we are 12 weeks today but I prefer to go by LMP which will make the huge landmark happen tomorrow. And as the first trimester comes to an end, I beginning to feel a bit better. Quite a bit better actually and apart from the usual worries that it may mean something sinister, I am counting my blessings and looking forward to the second trimester with extra energy and renewed optimism that things won't always be this bad, that it hasn't been such a sacrifice. Because every single time I had to fob my children off doing something fun with them( or in actual fact sometimes just fulfilling basic care- bathing 3 children when extremely dizzy and sick in my throat is a no no), every time I cancelled on a friend, or snapped at/ignored/put second my husband and marriage because I felt so sick and exhausted, I felt more and more guilty and almost resentful.

This has a lot to do with me and my thought processes though. When i thought about being a surrogate, and gave years of researching and soul searching, the idea that I could be selfless was quite an easy one as I was only thinking about my time, giving birth and my genetics. All of which I gave thought to and knew I was capable. And likewise, you think about your family and children. How will they handle having a genetic relation out there somewhere, how will the accept that the baby won't be coming home and how can i help DH when we have to abstain. I thought those things through and many many more and the answers and reality are the same- i have a plan, the kids get it and S is on board.

BUT i didn't consider the little every day things. Not having morning sickness since my first born 14 years ago didn't help prepare me, as i had a bit of a 'i will be as lucky again' mindset. But I didn't prepare myself for being older, more responsibilities that I had in my last pregnancy, just an extra child makes a difference and how a tough pregnancy could affect my life so much. I am the family rock. I don't have family to rely on, DH works 60 hour shift work and so it is just me day in day out. If I am not on the ball, it feels like everything falls to pieces around me.

I know, it's only a matter of weeks, and the children are forgiving and will forget in the long run, but It bothers me that I couldn't put them first every single time like normal. It's our summer holidays and I have struggled most days to just get up and crack a smile let alone take them out or do fun summer things. I couldn't even speak to them nicely some days. Hormones or not, I feel like I was a terrible mother and wife, and this pregnancy has affected them in more ways I could foresee.

My Surro friend this week on her blog has been talking about a possible second journey whilst she is pregnant with her first surrobaby and it has got me thinking. Out loud.
This baby I am carrying is supposed to be the first of two for C and V. It has been planned and tentatively agreed upon, and also I have always said I have two or three pregnancies left in me, and I have some lovely IF friends who have asked me to carry for them in a few years time. But I am really not so sure anymore. In fact, I don't think I am selfless enough to do it again!

I will gladly hand over my genetic child. That I am capable of. I will gladly go through what ever prenatal and antenatal care/testing/procedures that are needed, and I will happily go through several days of labour or a major operation and even lose my fertility to give my Ips their cherished child. Hell, I will even lose 65 lbs to become more fertile, fit and ready for surrogacy in the first place. But to affect my family, my every day life? To take my children's mummy away from them for weeks at a time because she has her head down a toilet bowl or because she can't life her head off the couch without the room spinning? And all for someone else? I am not so sure.

Things can change, memories can fade. In 18 months time when C and V may want another baby, I will probably forget I felt like this, or be blind sighted by the awesome sight of baby with his parents but I think it's important to recognise how I feel today, and keep it noted for future reference.

Monday, 6 August 2012

11 Weeks

Ok, so feeling a little less sick and tired over the weekend. I think I rested up more as OH went above and beyond and even left work early on Friday to help out. Feeling really sick right now, but I just drank far too much neat fruit juice (I have a constipation issue too right now!).

Anyway, not much else to say this week. IF is flying out to his charity mission on Wednesday and we are talking about how to contact him via skype for the scan on the 16th.

 I just can't wait for school to start again in September as i will be able to rest, work out and 'de-stress' as much as I and the baby need to. IM lent me her bike so i can substitute the running for cycling and I have been swimming and doing some strength exercises although I need a bit more energy to really make a difference. Photo to follow next week!

Friday, 3 August 2012

10 weeks 5 days update

Just a little update. Morning Sickness is the worst it has been to date and i can't even venture into my kitchen, bathroom, toilet, cleaning products etc without heaving. In fact it seems that even the smell of my children's heads are sparking a nauseated response despite them having baths or showers every day. UGh. And nothing, no food seems to be working anymore. So i really shouldn't have spoken too soon and said the m/s is better should I !? Dizziness is back too which is a lovely touch. (sense my sarcasm...)

On the hospital front, we had confirmation this week that our chosen hospital has had a surrogate birth before, and has something in place that seems to be fair to all parties and my community midwife who did our initial booking in appointment, who I have known and loved since my DDs birth 5 years ago and who's daughter used to babysit my children when working weekends, clarified this all with the Head of Midwifery there, who is her boss. And as you would have it,  the Head of Midwifery is also a close social friend of my IPs. Hard to keep up isn't it! Sorry!

Anyway the H.O.M has given us her personal backing should we need anything, and we are constructing a letter for her and the Obs team to sign to say that they are aware that this is a Surrogate pregnancy, I am not the mother, the child can be in C and V's care immediately and we can all be treated fairly. There isn't a social worker at this hospital and by all accounts the last birth didn't involve one so this shouldn't either which is a huge relief. And of course it helps that C is on the OBs team at that hospital so everything is smooth sailing and I can't help feel that we are getting some sort of special treatment too.  But we all know we shouldn't speak too soon!

 I was worried that his colleagues and friends would know our business or C and Vs business and that it would all be too close to home but I don't have anything to hide, and so it is seemingly like a blessing at this time!