Today was important to me for me for a few reasons. After last week, it was always going to end up a huge deal. This time S couldn't come with me, I was going it alone and I really wanted to see how I would be.
After a few butterflies, I went and I can say that it was thoroughly enjoyable. I was the only visitor and my IPS seemed relaxed and their normal friendly selves. I saw Evie in N's arms to begin with and just felt excited to be able to spend time with all 3.
We spent time talking through the labour and birth, the funny bits, the not so funny bits. I gave them their gifts, including the album I made for her in years to come and they showed me all her gifts they had received from friends and family. They also Gave me the locket they bought and had engraved with her name on the back. i will put a photo of her In there as soon as i get one that fits. And then I had a 45 minute hold of her, just taking time to absorb her, stare at her, wind her, kiss her head and rock her. I tried so hard to see any resemblance of my family but still nothing. She is definitely a mini C. And I felt nothing maternal for her. Much like a niece I guess. I enjoyed my cuddles, because I cared about her, and because babies are babies. But that is all.
I walked out of there, probably feeling less fearful, happier and content than any other time. She seems to fit in with N as her mummy as if it had been her who had carried her and i wasn't involved at all and it made me feel so happy and at peace. I don't have urge to see her again in a hurry although I do miss C and N already. That part is harder. But as one surrogate friend of mine said, I have passed the torch on to them now, it's their turn to carry it and I have to find another light in my life now. Whatever that is, I don't know yet.
I want to carry again, more than anything and we have all agreed a sibling journey next year. But in the mean time, I am just enjoying my new lease of marriage and my children and then who knows! Traditional surrogacy can be an amazing thing, a beautiful thing and not the seedy, unscrupulous, and emotionally uncomfortable thing that it seems to be to some people. It isn't for everyone but in this case and a lot of other cases, it's been a wonderful blessing to be a part of!!