We are here!! Baby has ultimately a better chance of making from now on, as a hospital would do their best to keep her alive should anything happen. Apparently babies born after 29 weeks ultimately have the best odds over other gestation's but to me this was important. In my cycling group, we have had more loss and scary situations this week and it never leaves you anyway. Something about a surrogacy situation that makes you feel more vulnerable, more scared and see more of the heartache of pregnancy.
The fear does center around making my IPS into a family of course I have their hopes and desires on my shoulders.
I am feeling great, still a little tired and the muscles at the bottom of the the bump can hurt if i do too much but still enjoying being pregnant, feeling the baby move! Emotionally, this week I find myself sometimes feeling a tiny bit resentful. Again, another honest blog post (see no ranibows and unicorn posts on this blog!).
Every time the pregnancy affects my life, which isn't often yet i know, as I am still feeling amazing, i find myself feeling a little bit irked. Angry at myself for wanting to do this maybe?.... (What was I thinking?).... I am missing out on bits and bobs with the children, no one will give me a job so Christmas is going to be a bit tight this year again, my pelvis and bump are sore at the end of the day, my IPS continually tell me to stop doing x,y and z and sleeping isn't as much fun as it was. Oh and I may die through this and my life wasn't so bad before anyway!
I guess that initial warm glow of satisfaction of helping people isn't all its cracked up to be sometimes when the going gets tougher. Then I think of my IPs almost haggling with me to my lower figure of expenses despite on being high income that only a fraction of the UK population are on, so there really isn't anything there to treat myself or the children with. They spend the total I am getting to cover this pregnancy.... on a holiday. NO joke. I guess that doesn't figure. I don't know.
Just to reiterate, my expense amount is a third to quarter less of what UK organisations and the UK law suggest as reasonable. I cut back and offered a lower amount as they were my friends and I didn't agree with there being a flat range of expenses as surely everyone's expenses would be different?.....And I wanted to gain my IPs respect by showing that I wasn't selling a baby.
In the end though, a few months down the line, it feels like they wanted a good deal and then that translates into them not thinking that I would at least deserve to be offered a little more, for the amazing thing I was doing?
I didn't do this for monetary gain, it's illegal here, I am not a womb whore. I don't and didn't want to ask for £30,000 plus. But in my hormone confuggled brain it feels a little like being the hired help to the upper classes sometimes. I also didn't ask for loss of organ, reproductive or otherwise, for similar reasons. And neither did they offer, despite knowing for our agency usually ask for! And Scott has admitted this hasn't helped his attitude towards them or the situation which then has obviously affected our marriage, but I am taking the blame for that rightly. I chose to take the lesser amount regardless of my reason.
I am helping people to the detriment of myself and my family and that in itself should be enough. I shouldn't be feeling a little angry or used occasionally. Merely helping people altruistically was enough 6 months ago, a year ago, 2 years a go, It is for other surrogates for goodness sake!
Do other no or low comp surrogates ever get these little moments of resentment i wonder? Regardless, I have to get rid of these occasional bursts of anger, it isn't fair. I chose to do this! I knew that it would affect my children and they would feel the affects.
I am trying to find my way back to where I started, I promise. Just writing this down is helping me (written over 3 days as I wanted to be sure it was a definite, valid feeling.) I know what ever I am feeling, is natural to me. There isn't a guide book to this and I have to deal with each new feeling and move forward with it. I am sure there are other people feeling the same in some way and i have faith it will pass! My Ips will get their baby and I will make a family. But I am unsure to what cost to us as a family that's all.....
I know I will look back in weeks to come and cringe about this post as I don't think i have explained myself very well and I have probably come across as selfish, mean and bitchy. But if anyone else signing up to do this is reading, please make sure everything in your contract is as it should be and as you want it to be. Don't think you know better because the chances are, you don't!
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
22 weeks
So, I am so close to viablility. God, I need to make C and V parents, and being at the point of 24 weeks is one step closer for all sorts of reasons.
This week I have been affected by the story of another surrogate due the same time as us, as the baby passed away. The lady was so strong and the story and what happened was so sad and tragic. It plays on my mind no end and every time baby kicks, which is A LOT, I give myself a little smile and thank the heavens.
I am feeling good, I managed to decorate our bedroom this past weekend and breezed through it. I am tired today though (Monday) so I am taking it easy. Oh and today, every one of my teeth hurts, a proper aching and all of my jaw too. Some of the mums at the school said they have had it too and it was the fact that baby needed the calcium. Sounds like an old wives tale to me, but perfectly feasible i guess. So going to to watch my intake.
Its been a bit weird here lately as my OH has been really struggling with this pregnancy, with the situation. He supported me for 2 years, agreed to do this and signed contracts, opened up his home and made lunches and coffees for IPs and gave me lots of advice. He has been amazing to be frank. But it seemed that as soon as my belly took a life of it's own, he has struggled.
I noticed he was getting quieter, not asking about the baby movements for instance or, the worse of it, not making any allowances for me being pregnant. Now, I am a fiercely independent person. Probably stems from my times as a single parent, but I don't like to lean on people for things that in my head, I should be doing myself. Pregnancy isn't any different for me, especially a surrogate one. But it was becoming a bit silly when I was struggling to take the bin out or climb step ladders. And. I am a bit lonely, as he is one of my best friends and if I don't have him, I am a bit stuck. There are other marital problems of course, just like anyone else, but it's pretty obvious that we know what the huge elephant in the room is. Pun intended.
I have managed to talk to him, and he has admitted he feels jealous, broody, disconected, resentful and the guilty at the above to name but a few. He can't touch me even and I feel like hiding away my stomach. I am not sure what to do, apart from keep talking to him, and making sure that I don't flaunt it in his face. Part of me is angry at him. He agreed to this, happy to help others even. But I know there isn't a handbook for surrogacy, or how to be a surrogates husband especially and even when you think that you have planned for every eventually mentally, something can crop up out of the blue. So i am putting a brave face on and sucking it up. Maybe it will get easier for him.
I reached out to a fb group last night and there was another surrogate who had her husband feel similar so I know we aren't alone. That in itself is invaluable. But I am still sad about it.
Feel better for getting that out there. Oh and I am still vlogging. Someone for the love of god subscribe to my channel. Its embarrassing!
This week I have been affected by the story of another surrogate due the same time as us, as the baby passed away. The lady was so strong and the story and what happened was so sad and tragic. It plays on my mind no end and every time baby kicks, which is A LOT, I give myself a little smile and thank the heavens.
I am feeling good, I managed to decorate our bedroom this past weekend and breezed through it. I am tired today though (Monday) so I am taking it easy. Oh and today, every one of my teeth hurts, a proper aching and all of my jaw too. Some of the mums at the school said they have had it too and it was the fact that baby needed the calcium. Sounds like an old wives tale to me, but perfectly feasible i guess. So going to to watch my intake.
Its been a bit weird here lately as my OH has been really struggling with this pregnancy, with the situation. He supported me for 2 years, agreed to do this and signed contracts, opened up his home and made lunches and coffees for IPs and gave me lots of advice. He has been amazing to be frank. But it seemed that as soon as my belly took a life of it's own, he has struggled.
I noticed he was getting quieter, not asking about the baby movements for instance or, the worse of it, not making any allowances for me being pregnant. Now, I am a fiercely independent person. Probably stems from my times as a single parent, but I don't like to lean on people for things that in my head, I should be doing myself. Pregnancy isn't any different for me, especially a surrogate one. But it was becoming a bit silly when I was struggling to take the bin out or climb step ladders. And. I am a bit lonely, as he is one of my best friends and if I don't have him, I am a bit stuck. There are other marital problems of course, just like anyone else, but it's pretty obvious that we know what the huge elephant in the room is. Pun intended.
I have managed to talk to him, and he has admitted he feels jealous, broody, disconected, resentful and the guilty at the above to name but a few. He can't touch me even and I feel like hiding away my stomach. I am not sure what to do, apart from keep talking to him, and making sure that I don't flaunt it in his face. Part of me is angry at him. He agreed to this, happy to help others even. But I know there isn't a handbook for surrogacy, or how to be a surrogates husband especially and even when you think that you have planned for every eventually mentally, something can crop up out of the blue. So i am putting a brave face on and sucking it up. Maybe it will get easier for him.
I reached out to a fb group last night and there was another surrogate who had her husband feel similar so I know we aren't alone. That in itself is invaluable. But I am still sad about it.
Feel better for getting that out there. Oh and I am still vlogging. Someone for the love of god subscribe to my channel. Its embarrassing!
Friday, 12 October 2012
20 week scan!
Our scan was yesterday and it was in all, such a wonderful day. I got to spend time with my IF as he took me out for coffee and catch up and then my IM met us for our scan.
Baby was measuring on the 50th percentile line so exactly where it should be, all the anotomy is where it should be and is formed correctly. The sonogrpaher was the same lady as last time, despite it being in a different hospital and she was just as lovely, excited and pro surrogacy as last time. In fact she kept us there a lot longer, (despite her colleague becoming increasingly suspicious!) and we were given so many photos of the ultrasound after, with no charge. Meanwhile, my IP's were smiling, and laughing, and crying and squeezing my hand and we found out the gender.
Now bearing in mind that with no exaggeration there ALL BOYS on the IF's side for 3 or 4 generations, and the way I had been feeling throughout this pregnancy, I assumed it was a boy. My IM had no real preference only for a healthy baby of course, but deep down she has imagined a pretty girl for the 12 years she had been trying.........And now she has one!! I was so shocked and i still can't believe it, I have been calling him a him since our BFP :-). It seems that i make far more girls than boys!
.JPG)
.JPG)
Baby was measuring on the 50th percentile line so exactly where it should be, all the anotomy is where it should be and is formed correctly. The sonogrpaher was the same lady as last time, despite it being in a different hospital and she was just as lovely, excited and pro surrogacy as last time. In fact she kept us there a lot longer, (despite her colleague becoming increasingly suspicious!) and we were given so many photos of the ultrasound after, with no charge. Meanwhile, my IP's were smiling, and laughing, and crying and squeezing my hand and we found out the gender.
Now bearing in mind that with no exaggeration there ALL BOYS on the IF's side for 3 or 4 generations, and the way I had been feeling throughout this pregnancy, I assumed it was a boy. My IM had no real preference only for a healthy baby of course, but deep down she has imagined a pretty girl for the 12 years she had been trying.........And now she has one!! I was so shocked and i still can't believe it, I have been calling him a him since our BFP :-). It seems that i make far more girls than boys!
.JPG)
My IM and I, waiting in the waiting room! (Excuse my awful pregnancy skin!)
.JPG)
My IPs and I, after our scan. We asked the sonographer to take a picture! I don't think they could smile anymore!
These are the feet that kick me so hard, I can see it from the outside.
Baby girl :-)
Monday, 8 October 2012
20 weeks, wohooo!
And feeling amazing! I am a little more tired this week as I have been working in the house like a trojan, and we have had back to back illness for the children but feeling great. I am loving that my belly has finally popped out and I (think?) I look pregnant. Baby is moving aroung so much I can almost feel him from the outside which will be so cool for my Ips to feel. Our scan is in 4 days and I just can't wait to see their faces watching him. Obviously, it can be nerve wracking as they check all of his stats and anatomy but I am hopeful and positive that all is good. Touch wood.
Today marks a new day for me in terms of the diet- I have put on 21 pounds since the BFP. That is absolutely not on and I have to do something about it. The main reasons are that my metabolism was incredibly sluggish living over 1200 cals for 5 months immmediately before hand, not being able to run as I was doing 3 times weekly before and all I want to eat is bread, toast and pizza.
Unless I eat those things, I have such watery mouth, a sicky, sloshy feeling in my stomach and i get heart burn. Not sure why, but the thought of eating anything else just doesn't do it for me! Meat and fruit at the worst things for my heartburn right now. BUT i have to, i will have to try harder and I am inputting my cals into my fitness pal again. God, that was depressing, looking at my lowest weight that I last inputted 5 months ago, my starting weight in the new year, and my weight now. But I feel motivated- I am not going to be stupid about this, I don't believe in losing weight in pregnancy per se, but I need to aim to maintain this weight I am now, for the rest of the pregnancy. I think that is a healthy attitude to have an totally doable.
So that is it- hoping to update after the scan on Thursday. I am in two minds whether I want to know the gender, and so are my Ips. I did worry at the beginning about bonding should I know the sex, and ultimately it isn't up to me, but I just imagine him as a boy and so therefor, bond to him as a boy. And that is ok! Bonding in a sense that he is a surrogate baby, not mine but someone else to look after for the time being. It isn't scary to say those things either. He isn't mine but mine for the duration to care for, I think of him as a sweet little thing and i wouldn't have anything bad happen to him. But glad to hand him over and get my life back on track as it was before. Just like a nephew. Or neice!
Today marks a new day for me in terms of the diet- I have put on 21 pounds since the BFP. That is absolutely not on and I have to do something about it. The main reasons are that my metabolism was incredibly sluggish living over 1200 cals for 5 months immmediately before hand, not being able to run as I was doing 3 times weekly before and all I want to eat is bread, toast and pizza.
Unless I eat those things, I have such watery mouth, a sicky, sloshy feeling in my stomach and i get heart burn. Not sure why, but the thought of eating anything else just doesn't do it for me! Meat and fruit at the worst things for my heartburn right now. BUT i have to, i will have to try harder and I am inputting my cals into my fitness pal again. God, that was depressing, looking at my lowest weight that I last inputted 5 months ago, my starting weight in the new year, and my weight now. But I feel motivated- I am not going to be stupid about this, I don't believe in losing weight in pregnancy per se, but I need to aim to maintain this weight I am now, for the rest of the pregnancy. I think that is a healthy attitude to have an totally doable.
So that is it- hoping to update after the scan on Thursday. I am in two minds whether I want to know the gender, and so are my Ips. I did worry at the beginning about bonding should I know the sex, and ultimately it isn't up to me, but I just imagine him as a boy and so therefor, bond to him as a boy. And that is ok! Bonding in a sense that he is a surrogate baby, not mine but someone else to look after for the time being. It isn't scary to say those things either. He isn't mine but mine for the duration to care for, I think of him as a sweet little thing and i wouldn't have anything bad happen to him. But glad to hand him over and get my life back on track as it was before. Just like a nephew. Or neice!
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
I did a vlog!
I thought I would try a vlog, to mark our half way mark. It is very rambly and actually a bit dull. Oh and excuse the phone in the background!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SrztivIxo0&list=HL1349190064&feature=mh_lolz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SrztivIxo0&list=HL1349190064&feature=mh_lolz
Monday, 24 September 2012
18 weeks!
Ok, so I have been missing in action for a few weeks so sorry about that. But i just haven't had much to say!
Everything is ticking along nicely, no new health issues, baby is kicking away nicely, I am feeling great and my house hasn't been so tidy! I have finally cracked open the maternity jeans and they are like heaven itself but I bought a size too big as I guess I have a warped body image at the moment. So going to find smaller later today. All the tests for Downs and Spina Bifida came back good and my blood counts are fine too.
We went to my IPs house at the weekend for dinner and it was nice to see them after their trip away and IFs trip to Madagascar. I had been feeling a little in my own world re the pregnancy and it was nice to see their expectant happy faces again to be reminded what this is all about, why I am doing what I am doing. Illustrates, that I couldn't ever been one of those surrogates who doesn't see her IPs from month to month. Not because I am needy, or greedy, but just to be reminded that the achy back, or not being about to go jogging, or what I will have to go through in a few months, will be all worth it!
The response I have had from the school gates and in meeting people in real life has been amazing and I would say 90% of people have been so amazed and in awe. Which is great! The rest, well, they don't seem to know what to say to me which is fine. My neighbour knew, and I knew she knew and it took her a week to summon the courage to approach me. She simply said that she didn't know if she should be saying congratulations or what, but she thought was I was doing was such a cool thing and it was amazing.
Unfortunately, there is a stupid Soap here in the Uk that has a surrogacy story in it- I don't watch it, but I haven't heard good things mainly regarding money and I wondered if people would change their perceptions of me. My OH has a work colleague and he came up and just asked out right if we were doing it for the money and what if my friends think that of me? I am maybe being paranoid I guess, and it doesn't really matter anyway because I know it is a gift I am giving, that you can't be paid to be a surro in this country and I am taking less expenses that nationally recognised as a good amount by courts and agencies anyhow. I am just going to concentrate on growing this little fella and getting to the finish line. Its almost our 20 week scan, half way and going so quickly! I don't mind being pregnant, don't get me wrong, but I am eager to get to the finish line, where my life becomes normal again and I will have achieved this huge thing too! That will be the real test and one where I know I have done it.
Pictures coming soon!
Everything is ticking along nicely, no new health issues, baby is kicking away nicely, I am feeling great and my house hasn't been so tidy! I have finally cracked open the maternity jeans and they are like heaven itself but I bought a size too big as I guess I have a warped body image at the moment. So going to find smaller later today. All the tests for Downs and Spina Bifida came back good and my blood counts are fine too.
We went to my IPs house at the weekend for dinner and it was nice to see them after their trip away and IFs trip to Madagascar. I had been feeling a little in my own world re the pregnancy and it was nice to see their expectant happy faces again to be reminded what this is all about, why I am doing what I am doing. Illustrates, that I couldn't ever been one of those surrogates who doesn't see her IPs from month to month. Not because I am needy, or greedy, but just to be reminded that the achy back, or not being about to go jogging, or what I will have to go through in a few months, will be all worth it!
The response I have had from the school gates and in meeting people in real life has been amazing and I would say 90% of people have been so amazed and in awe. Which is great! The rest, well, they don't seem to know what to say to me which is fine. My neighbour knew, and I knew she knew and it took her a week to summon the courage to approach me. She simply said that she didn't know if she should be saying congratulations or what, but she thought was I was doing was such a cool thing and it was amazing.
Unfortunately, there is a stupid Soap here in the Uk that has a surrogacy story in it- I don't watch it, but I haven't heard good things mainly regarding money and I wondered if people would change their perceptions of me. My OH has a work colleague and he came up and just asked out right if we were doing it for the money and what if my friends think that of me? I am maybe being paranoid I guess, and it doesn't really matter anyway because I know it is a gift I am giving, that you can't be paid to be a surro in this country and I am taking less expenses that nationally recognised as a good amount by courts and agencies anyhow. I am just going to concentrate on growing this little fella and getting to the finish line. Its almost our 20 week scan, half way and going so quickly! I don't mind being pregnant, don't get me wrong, but I am eager to get to the finish line, where my life becomes normal again and I will have achieved this huge thing too! That will be the real test and one where I know I have done it.
Pictures coming soon!
Sunday, 2 September 2012
15 weeks
Yes, only 25 to go, ha ha!
Symptom wise, feeling really good surprisingly. I have lots of energy back, and have even got back to gardening and baking etc. I still like to have half an hour snooze on the sofa in the afternoon if I can that just perks me up until the kids bed time but I like to think that its just the baby having a little peace and quiet in this mad house!
Sickness has gone thankfully, although again, i can't miss a meal and have to have an afternoon snack just to tide me over and keep going.
Baby is moving around lots and the little tiny kicks are occurring. They are so faint, much like a bubble popping, but so lovely. He is definitely more active in the afternoon and evening- I am thinking a night owl just like his mummy and daddy and not like me! He he!
I have my next midwife appointment this week and bloods for the Triple Test as they couldn't measure the babies neck properly at the NT scan. Unfortunately IPs are away on another holiday, this time to Greece- I can't help but laugh at them and shake me head. In a way that says, enjoy it guys, this will be last year in 18 that you will be able to take off so much time and go off somewhere warm!! And deep down, I think they are pleased!
Symptom wise, feeling really good surprisingly. I have lots of energy back, and have even got back to gardening and baking etc. I still like to have half an hour snooze on the sofa in the afternoon if I can that just perks me up until the kids bed time but I like to think that its just the baby having a little peace and quiet in this mad house!
Sickness has gone thankfully, although again, i can't miss a meal and have to have an afternoon snack just to tide me over and keep going.
Baby is moving around lots and the little tiny kicks are occurring. They are so faint, much like a bubble popping, but so lovely. He is definitely more active in the afternoon and evening- I am thinking a night owl just like his mummy and daddy and not like me! He he!
I have my next midwife appointment this week and bloods for the Triple Test as they couldn't measure the babies neck properly at the NT scan. Unfortunately IPs are away on another holiday, this time to Greece- I can't help but laugh at them and shake me head. In a way that says, enjoy it guys, this will be last year in 18 that you will be able to take off so much time and go off somewhere warm!! And deep down, I think they are pleased!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)