24 weeks. Happy viability day baby!

We are here!! Baby has ultimately a better chance of making from now on, as a hospital would do their best to keep her alive should anything happen. Apparently babies born after 29 weeks ultimately have the best odds over other gestation's  but to me this was important. In my cycling group, we have had more loss and scary situations this week and it never leaves you anyway. Something about a surrogacy situation that makes you feel more vulnerable, more scared and see more of the heartache of pregnancy.
The fear does center around making my IPS into a family of course  I have their hopes and desires on my shoulders.

I am feeling great, still a little tired and the muscles at the bottom of the the bump can hurt if i do too much but still enjoying being pregnant, feeling the baby move! Emotionally, this week I find myself sometimes feeling a tiny bit resentful. Again, another honest blog post (see no ranibows and unicorn posts on this blog!).

Every time the pregnancy affects my life, which isn't often yet i know, as I am still feeling amazing, i find myself feeling a little bit irked. Angry at myself for wanting to do this maybe?.... (What was I thinking?).... I am missing out on bits and bobs with the children, no one will give me a job so Christmas is going to be a bit tight this year again, my pelvis and bump are sore at the end of the day, my IPS continually tell me to stop doing x,y and z and sleeping isn't as much fun as it was. Oh and I may die through this and my life wasn't so bad before anyway!

I guess that initial warm glow of satisfaction of helping people isn't all its cracked up to be sometimes when the going gets tougher. Then I think of my IPs almost haggling with me to my lower figure of expenses despite on being high income that only a fraction of the UK population are on, so there really isn't anything there to treat myself or the children with. They spend the total I am getting to cover this pregnancy.... on a holiday. NO joke. I guess that doesn't figure. I don't know.

Just to reiterate, my expense amount is a third to quarter less of what UK organisations and the UK law suggest as reasonable. I cut back and offered a lower amount as they were my friends and I didn't agree with there being a flat range of expenses as surely everyone's expenses would be different?.....And I wanted to gain my IPs respect by showing that I wasn't selling a baby.
 In the end though, a few months down the line, it feels like they wanted a good deal and then that translates into them not thinking that I would at least deserve to be offered a little more, for the amazing thing I was doing?

I didn't do this for monetary gain, it's illegal here, I am not a womb whore. I don't and didn't want to ask for £30,000 plus. But in my hormone confuggled brain it feels a little like being the hired help to the upper classes sometimes. I also didn't ask for loss of organ, reproductive or otherwise, for similar reasons. And neither did they offer, despite knowing for our agency usually ask for! And Scott has admitted this hasn't helped his attitude towards them or the situation which then has obviously affected our marriage, but I am taking the blame for that rightly. I chose to take the lesser amount regardless of my reason.

I am helping people to the detriment of myself and my family and that in itself should be enough. I shouldn't be feeling a little angry or used occasionally. Merely helping people altruistically was enough 6 months ago, a year ago, 2 years a go, It is for other surrogates for goodness sake!

Do other no or low comp surrogates ever get these little moments of resentment i wonder? Regardless, I have to get rid of these occasional bursts of anger, it isn't fair. I chose to do this! I knew that it would affect my children and they would feel the affects.

 I am trying to find my way back to where I started, I promise. Just writing this down is helping me (written over 3 days as I wanted to be sure it was a definite, valid feeling.) I know what ever I am feeling, is natural to me. There isn't a guide book to this and I have to deal with each new feeling and move forward with it. I am sure there are other people feeling the same in some way and i have faith it will pass! My Ips will get their baby and I will make a family. But I am unsure to what cost to us as a family that's all.....

I know I will look back in weeks to come and cringe about this post as I don't think i have explained myself very well and I have probably come across as selfish, mean and bitchy. But if anyone else signing up to do this is reading, please make sure everything in your contract is as it should be and as you want it to be. Don't think you know better because the chances are, you don't!