22 weeks

So, I am so close to viablility. God, I need to make C and V parents, and being at the point of 24 weeks is one step closer for all sorts of reasons.

This week I have been affected by the story of another surrogate due the same time as us, as the baby passed away. The lady was so strong and the story and what happened was so sad and tragic. It plays on my mind no end and every time baby kicks, which is A LOT, I give myself a little smile and thank the heavens.

I am feeling good, I managed to decorate our bedroom this past weekend and breezed through it. I am tired today though (Monday) so I am taking it easy. Oh and today, every one of my teeth hurts, a proper aching and all of my jaw too. Some of the mums at the school said they have had it too and it was the fact that baby needed the calcium. Sounds like an old wives tale to me, but perfectly feasible i guess. So going to to watch my intake.


Its been a bit weird here lately as my OH has been really struggling with this pregnancy, with the situation. He supported me for 2 years, agreed to do this and signed contracts, opened up his home and made lunches and coffees for IPs and gave me lots of advice. He has been amazing to be frank. But it seemed that as soon as my belly took a life of it's own, he has struggled.

I noticed he was getting quieter, not asking about the baby movements for instance or, the worse of it, not making any allowances for me being pregnant. Now, I am a fiercely independent person. Probably stems from my times as a single parent, but I don't like to lean on people for things that in my head, I should be doing myself. Pregnancy isn't any different for me, especially a surrogate one. But it was becoming a bit silly when I was struggling to take the bin out or climb step ladders. And. I am a bit lonely, as he is one of my best friends and if I don't have him, I am a bit stuck. There are other marital problems of course, just like anyone else, but it's pretty obvious that we know what the huge elephant in the room is. Pun intended.

  I have managed to talk to him, and he has admitted he feels jealous, broody, disconected, resentful and the guilty at the above to name but a few. He can't touch me even and I feel like hiding away my stomach. I am not sure what to do, apart from keep talking to him, and making sure that I don't flaunt it in his face. Part of me is angry at him. He agreed to this, happy to help others even. But I know there isn't a handbook for surrogacy, or how to be a surrogates husband especially and even when you think that you have planned for every eventually mentally, something can crop up out of the blue. So i am putting a brave face on and sucking it up. Maybe it will get easier for him.
  I reached out to a fb group last night and there was another surrogate who had her husband feel similar so I know we aren't alone. That in itself is invaluable. But I am still sad about it.

Feel better for getting that out there. Oh and I am still vlogging. Someone for the love of god subscribe to my channel. Its embarrassing!