Here it is for Surrobaby number two. Its a dual effort this time, with my IM posting too!
http://surrogacygift.blogspot.co.uk/
Please follow along with our new match and see how it all goes.
Sunday, 19 May 2013
Friday, 26 April 2013
New blog
There will be a new blog soon, for my next journey!
I am still losing weight and the agreement is almost finished. My Insurance is set up and S and I are still doing really really well. We have the odd tiff about silly things, like any couple, but the huge fundamentals are dealt with and I don't know the last time in 10 years, where our relationship has been so good.
The children are all doing really well, we saw Baby E yesterday as FIM brought her round for a cup of tea and they all got cuddles and pictures. Once they had gone, life just snapped back in to place again and shows how well they have all adjusted.
The doctor has given me the ok to start TTC now, my cycles are back to 27 days as per usual and I am back to charting in readiness.
I am still getting on really well with PIP N and her husband and we have met up a few more times since and the match is strengthening over the time. I do feel that there is just a bit of waiting and standstill going on as we won't start till June or July but that is just the impatient person in me!
So my life is pretty great right now. I have a friend back in my life that I need and have missed, and now try to surround myself with great, supportive people and a supportive family too!
New blog link coming.....
I am still losing weight and the agreement is almost finished. My Insurance is set up and S and I are still doing really really well. We have the odd tiff about silly things, like any couple, but the huge fundamentals are dealt with and I don't know the last time in 10 years, where our relationship has been so good.
The children are all doing really well, we saw Baby E yesterday as FIM brought her round for a cup of tea and they all got cuddles and pictures. Once they had gone, life just snapped back in to place again and shows how well they have all adjusted.
The doctor has given me the ok to start TTC now, my cycles are back to 27 days as per usual and I am back to charting in readiness.
I am still getting on really well with PIP N and her husband and we have met up a few more times since and the match is strengthening over the time. I do feel that there is just a bit of waiting and standstill going on as we won't start till June or July but that is just the impatient person in me!
So my life is pretty great right now. I have a friend back in my life that I need and have missed, and now try to surround myself with great, supportive people and a supportive family too!
New blog link coming.....
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Update
Ok,so about 10 months ago, I 'met' a lady who had joined several of the FB surrogacy groups and wa just learning all about this crazy world. She still had two more rounds of IvF using her own eggs to undertake, but after 5 previous cycles, and two clinics, it wasn't looking good.
We always got on well on the boards, we shared the same sense of humour and for the next 4 months and two failed transers including a miscarriage, we continued to email each other every now and then.
Likewise, she was there for me during the last few weeks of the pregnancy as a friend and even when I was adamant, I mean telling every body and any body, that I wasn't ever going again, she was still just a great friend. I promised her back last summer, due to just how lovely I found her, that I would help her match if she needed a surrogate and even promised to wear a sandwich board to try and find her perfect match.
Well,soon as I was home from having Evie, I knew i would do it again, I literally couldn't wait to experience that awesome feeling of helping someone again. I spoke to the children only 3 weeks post natal, and they all jumped at the chance to do it again, and whilst my husband and I still working through our residual issues, was just as blown away with the experience and he too would like to do it again, this time, as he said, properly and with his full support.
Little did I know that this lady (is another N) was secretly watching my vlogs, and learning everything she needed to know about the process, the laws, whilst taking an interest in my life too via emails 5 or 6 times a day. So imagine her surprise when I told her we would all love to do another journey, and specifically, her.
We have met up, 3 times now, with the kids and without, they stayed at a near by hotel and we made a weekend of it one time and we are certain that we want to help.
This is the first potential match, that I have seen my husband actually laughing and joking with them, they are just like us. They don't have pots of money, and are generally down to earth people, with normal jobs and normal lives. He genuinely enjoys their company and he is just as emotionally invested in helping them as I am. It's already making a huge difference in how things are playing out and the support he is giving me.
Anyway, I have the doctors this week to be signed off medically ok to carry again, our agreement is almost complete, and we re just doing blood tests.
With the way that it will all work out, is that we will be TTc June or July time again, which will leave us plenty of time to have our family time, my body to recover and carrying on getting to know one another properly.
I know people will ask what's the rush, but before N and I seriously talked about matching, I knew that if something were to happen, it would need to be sooner rather than later as I'm not getting any younger, my college courses and work experience needs to tie in and it leaves the option of doing a sibling for c and n the following year. I want to hang up the old uterus by 35 and be able to start my new career at the same time.
I am a huge believer this time around in not making things fit, like I did last match, not pushing and doing lots of encouragement. It has to all fit in and slot in organically for myself and my family and so far, it's all going extremely well and easy. More to come soon.......l
We always got on well on the boards, we shared the same sense of humour and for the next 4 months and two failed transers including a miscarriage, we continued to email each other every now and then.
Likewise, she was there for me during the last few weeks of the pregnancy as a friend and even when I was adamant, I mean telling every body and any body, that I wasn't ever going again, she was still just a great friend. I promised her back last summer, due to just how lovely I found her, that I would help her match if she needed a surrogate and even promised to wear a sandwich board to try and find her perfect match.
Well,soon as I was home from having Evie, I knew i would do it again, I literally couldn't wait to experience that awesome feeling of helping someone again. I spoke to the children only 3 weeks post natal, and they all jumped at the chance to do it again, and whilst my husband and I still working through our residual issues, was just as blown away with the experience and he too would like to do it again, this time, as he said, properly and with his full support.
Little did I know that this lady (is another N) was secretly watching my vlogs, and learning everything she needed to know about the process, the laws, whilst taking an interest in my life too via emails 5 or 6 times a day. So imagine her surprise when I told her we would all love to do another journey, and specifically, her.
We have met up, 3 times now, with the kids and without, they stayed at a near by hotel and we made a weekend of it one time and we are certain that we want to help.
This is the first potential match, that I have seen my husband actually laughing and joking with them, they are just like us. They don't have pots of money, and are generally down to earth people, with normal jobs and normal lives. He genuinely enjoys their company and he is just as emotionally invested in helping them as I am. It's already making a huge difference in how things are playing out and the support he is giving me.
Anyway, I have the doctors this week to be signed off medically ok to carry again, our agreement is almost complete, and we re just doing blood tests.
With the way that it will all work out, is that we will be TTc June or July time again, which will leave us plenty of time to have our family time, my body to recover and carrying on getting to know one another properly.
I know people will ask what's the rush, but before N and I seriously talked about matching, I knew that if something were to happen, it would need to be sooner rather than later as I'm not getting any younger, my college courses and work experience needs to tie in and it leaves the option of doing a sibling for c and n the following year. I want to hang up the old uterus by 35 and be able to start my new career at the same time.
I am a huge believer this time around in not making things fit, like I did last match, not pushing and doing lots of encouragement. It has to all fit in and slot in organically for myself and my family and so far, it's all going extremely well and easy. More to come soon.......l
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Going again?
C and N aren't ready to go again yet, if they do at all. They say they will want to start next summer, so 16 months time but I can't help feel that they are finding it quite hard anyhow. But regardless of speculation, I have a definite time frame to maybe help someone else. And I may already know that person and we may be chatting already.
So watch this space.....
So watch this space.....
Friday, 22 February 2013
Visit with baby E!
Today was important to me for me for a few reasons. After last week, it was always going to end up a huge deal. This time S couldn't come with me, I was going it alone and I really wanted to see how I would be.
After a few butterflies, I went and I can say that it was thoroughly enjoyable. I was the only visitor and my IPS seemed relaxed and their normal friendly selves. I saw Evie in N's arms to begin with and just felt excited to be able to spend time with all 3.
We spent time talking through the labour and birth, the funny bits, the not so funny bits. I gave them their gifts, including the album I made for her in years to come and they showed me all her gifts they had received from friends and family. They also Gave me the locket they bought and had engraved with her name on the back. i will put a photo of her In there as soon as i get one that fits. And then I had a 45 minute hold of her, just taking time to absorb her, stare at her, wind her, kiss her head and rock her. I tried so hard to see any resemblance of my family but still nothing. She is definitely a mini C. And I felt nothing maternal for her. Much like a niece I guess. I enjoyed my cuddles, because I cared about her, and because babies are babies. But that is all.
I walked out of there, probably feeling less fearful, happier and content than any other time. She seems to fit in with N as her mummy as if it had been her who had carried her and i wasn't involved at all and it made me feel so happy and at peace. I don't have urge to see her again in a hurry although I do miss C and N already. That part is harder. But as one surrogate friend of mine said, I have passed the torch on to them now, it's their turn to carry it and I have to find another light in my life now. Whatever that is, I don't know yet.
I want to carry again, more than anything and we have all agreed a sibling journey next year. But in the mean time, I am just enjoying my new lease of marriage and my children and then who knows! Traditional surrogacy can be an amazing thing, a beautiful thing and not the seedy, unscrupulous, and emotionally uncomfortable thing that it seems to be to some people. It isn't for everyone but in this case and a lot of other cases, it's been a wonderful blessing to be a part of!!
After a few butterflies, I went and I can say that it was thoroughly enjoyable. I was the only visitor and my IPS seemed relaxed and their normal friendly selves. I saw Evie in N's arms to begin with and just felt excited to be able to spend time with all 3.
We spent time talking through the labour and birth, the funny bits, the not so funny bits. I gave them their gifts, including the album I made for her in years to come and they showed me all her gifts they had received from friends and family. They also Gave me the locket they bought and had engraved with her name on the back. i will put a photo of her In there as soon as i get one that fits. And then I had a 45 minute hold of her, just taking time to absorb her, stare at her, wind her, kiss her head and rock her. I tried so hard to see any resemblance of my family but still nothing. She is definitely a mini C. And I felt nothing maternal for her. Much like a niece I guess. I enjoyed my cuddles, because I cared about her, and because babies are babies. But that is all.
I walked out of there, probably feeling less fearful, happier and content than any other time. She seems to fit in with N as her mummy as if it had been her who had carried her and i wasn't involved at all and it made me feel so happy and at peace. I don't have urge to see her again in a hurry although I do miss C and N already. That part is harder. But as one surrogate friend of mine said, I have passed the torch on to them now, it's their turn to carry it and I have to find another light in my life now. Whatever that is, I don't know yet.
I want to carry again, more than anything and we have all agreed a sibling journey next year. But in the mean time, I am just enjoying my new lease of marriage and my children and then who knows! Traditional surrogacy can be an amazing thing, a beautiful thing and not the seedy, unscrupulous, and emotionally uncomfortable thing that it seems to be to some people. It isn't for everyone but in this case and a lot of other cases, it's been a wonderful blessing to be a part of!!
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Update part two
Ok, so day 4, Friday was a complete right off. I admit I had a couple of glasses of wine and went to bed very early. Luckily the next day, in act the next two days, I was back on an even keel, still no regrets and not one tear. It was the last few days before everyone went back to work and school apart from my eldest daughter so we made the time to just enjoy ourselves, and running a few errands. I had plans to do a lot of spring cleaning the following week so rested up as long as I could bear to. Although I did let my son have a friend around for dinner and play so that felt good to be able to do that again for them!
Monday came, so almost day 7 and I generally felt ok. The midwife came and discharged me from their books as everything is as it should be, BP great, bleeding light, womb going back as it should. We had a lovely chat and looked at photos of the happy family and generally talked about the whole experience. It wasn't until after she left and the house was empty that I certainly began to feel a bit lost. Still no regrets, but definitely a few tears. A few crying moments at the fact that it was all over, I had to find something else to do now to fill the huge gap where surrogacy has been for almost 3 years.
I had plans to look for a new job, enrol on the college course, start dieting, clean the house but it all seemed s bit trivial for want of a better word in comparison. Here I was having done this huge thing and now what? I did most of my crying away from anyone and managed to keep things bright and breezy at the school gates. I have to admit I was worried about people asking me if I was alright with pained looks on their faces but it wasn't like that. Luckily most of my friends at a school are on my Facebook so had all seen the pictures and just congratulated me. As for my friend who was pregnant at the same time, she hasn't been to the school yet as she had a tough time of it all so that was a small blessing too. Oh btw, she also had a little girl, all is well now, and my daughter L seems to be adjusting to it all fine. Phew!!!
Tuesday followed pretty much the same way to be honest although less tears. If I did any crying, I literally couldn't tell you why. Once of those silly moments but as soon as they came, they went again. I did get upset when 2 people commented that "it mustn't be too long left to go" and "had i had it yet" I had to explain that I had already had her a week ago, and it was mortification on both sides. I guess my stomach is still newly non pregnant and when you don't have an actual baby with you, it's an assumption. Or maybe i ate too many cream eggs last week. I have asked friends and if I look 9 months pregnant still, but apparently I don't. I have a picture of today that I am using as comparison for later, and It doesn't look as bad I thought. In the end, I am just going to use it as motivation for dieting and stick at it just like last time.
Which brings me today. Today I feel a lot more motivated and life is just plodding on. I haven't been upset, I have managed to do some spring cleaning, and my photos arrived in the post so I will make Evie's photo album for her this afternoon. I hope to be seeing them in the next few days but as my milk is still threatening, I may leave it a few more days!
Monday came, so almost day 7 and I generally felt ok. The midwife came and discharged me from their books as everything is as it should be, BP great, bleeding light, womb going back as it should. We had a lovely chat and looked at photos of the happy family and generally talked about the whole experience. It wasn't until after she left and the house was empty that I certainly began to feel a bit lost. Still no regrets, but definitely a few tears. A few crying moments at the fact that it was all over, I had to find something else to do now to fill the huge gap where surrogacy has been for almost 3 years.
I had plans to look for a new job, enrol on the college course, start dieting, clean the house but it all seemed s bit trivial for want of a better word in comparison. Here I was having done this huge thing and now what? I did most of my crying away from anyone and managed to keep things bright and breezy at the school gates. I have to admit I was worried about people asking me if I was alright with pained looks on their faces but it wasn't like that. Luckily most of my friends at a school are on my Facebook so had all seen the pictures and just congratulated me. As for my friend who was pregnant at the same time, she hasn't been to the school yet as she had a tough time of it all so that was a small blessing too. Oh btw, she also had a little girl, all is well now, and my daughter L seems to be adjusting to it all fine. Phew!!!
Tuesday followed pretty much the same way to be honest although less tears. If I did any crying, I literally couldn't tell you why. Once of those silly moments but as soon as they came, they went again. I did get upset when 2 people commented that "it mustn't be too long left to go" and "had i had it yet" I had to explain that I had already had her a week ago, and it was mortification on both sides. I guess my stomach is still newly non pregnant and when you don't have an actual baby with you, it's an assumption. Or maybe i ate too many cream eggs last week. I have asked friends and if I look 9 months pregnant still, but apparently I don't. I have a picture of today that I am using as comparison for later, and It doesn't look as bad I thought. In the end, I am just going to use it as motivation for dieting and stick at it just like last time.
Which brings me today. Today I feel a lot more motivated and life is just plodding on. I haven't been upset, I have managed to do some spring cleaning, and my photos arrived in the post so I will make Evie's photo album for her this afternoon. I hope to be seeing them in the next few days but as my milk is still threatening, I may leave it a few more days!
Monday, 18 February 2013
Update
Well, I had every intention of writing a little daily blurb about how i was doing but the 3 little kids were off school this week so it's been crazy. Nothing like being thrown in the deep end to get back in the swing of it all!
Ok, so let's try to break this down. It may be another long one.
Tuesday morning we came back at 6.30 am, my eldest daughter was getting ready for school and we literally just hugged her, said good night and hit the pillow. I only slept for 2 hours and was up again at 8.30. No reason apart from I was literally buzzing!! I couldn't sleep, it was just too amazing and beautiful to be wasted and I pottered around marveling at what we had just done. Cheesy huh! I went back to bed while S slept and looked on my Fb where I had so many lovely comments and emails, and I carried on smiling. Oh and I both got up around 11.30 and he was still so happy. We found the last meal that N had cooked for us, a lovely curry and we sat eating that while watching our favourite shows and every now and then just going over what we had been through whilst crying, happy tears.
Every now and then we would just sigh and smile. I then had a lovely hot bath and my In laws bought back the 3 youngest children and we all had cuddles. I have to admit that we should have had a little more sleep because those last few hours of the children being hyper and bedtime being a while yet, were hard, but lovely too!
The next day, Wednesday was more of the same. I was completely on a high. S was fantastic, doing all housework, childcare etc. It was so nice to see the children and not be in as much pain, although my SPD still hasn't gone completely. S took the two little girls out to the supermarket and bought all of my favourite naughty foods, chocolate, soft cheeses and wine that I had missed and gave me time to sleep some more. The after pains were quite bad by this point but bleeding was light. I received several beautiful flower bouquets from my family and then a card came in the post from C's mum. The words are so beautiful and it did send me off a little as it meant so much hearing them from someone I haven't met. Then C sent me a couple of pictures via text and I had my first moment of hormones but still not sadness or regrets. Just a little over whelmed and it was soon over. Soon back to being extremely happy and walking on air. Well, may be with some sadness it was all over too!
Thursday was again another day of feeling the buzz. Genuinely felt the love for everything and everyone. In hindsight it was a mixture of the events and hormones- happy hormones but ones I can certainly live with! The children being off school meant it was a bit too much by the afternoon as we were quite tired and they were noisy obviously. I did take them out the village green on their roller skates for an hour while Scott popped out and I enjoyed being out and about with them! And I kept chuckling to myself - there I was walking around with them and not many people would know I had just given birth. Definitely a strange feeling! S was still so helpful and wonderful and we were just enjoying being in each others company, which was great after the last few months!!
Friday was when we had booked an appointment to register Evie and to coincide with the visit, my were to take the 3 little ones to meet her at my IPs house. I did wake up at 6am with butterflies in my stomach at what was to come but emotionally I was fine and life was just becoming normal. The girls had bought Evie a present and it was nice to be able to take her something form them.
It wasn't until we pulled in to the drive that I saw other cars, and my heart dropped. I really didn't fancy seeing anyone right then- C had mentioned that N's siter wanted to come over but he had said no, it was our time and not to worry. The visit and seeing the baby and introducing the children to her, was enough to contend with so soon after the birth and even S offered to turn back round. But we went ahead any way, hoped it was just a visiting midwife and as soon as we knocked, C opened the door and hugged us.
We started taking our shoes off and N appeared holding the baby, with her sister right beside her. She didn't even say hello but made her excuses to go straight past us, upstairs and change her and her sister came over and hugged us and kept on thanking us for what we have done. We will still in the door way at this point and I could see a whole room of kids and N's brother in law and i began to feel a bit panicky. As I caught a quick glimpse of baby's head, they both went upstairs and I heard Evie cry and it was just too much. I just started bawling. I couldn't catch my breath and needed to get out of the eye line of everyone, as they were staring and I just told S that I needed to go, right then. Evie's cry's continued and I really tried to hold it together as my children were wondering what on earth was going on so C took me out to the garden at the back, and there is where I stayed for the whole 20 minute visit.
S kept coming out and seeing what I wanted to do, as did C and all I wanted was to go but I also wanted the children to meet Evie, so S and C went in and supervised and took photos and I just kept crying and crying. My make up was everywhere and I felt utterly miserable and mortified. I could see N's family peering out the window gawping at the crying lady and I took a walk around the gardens playing with the dog in between sobs. Talk about a pathetic sight. What didn't help was that N's sister also kept coming out (apparently S tried to stop her as I found out after but she didn't listen) and telling me I would be alright and it was just a hormone dump. Erm, if you haven't been through it, don't try to tell me what it is please. I actually became quite angry at that really!
Anyway it was decided that just S and I would go and register the birth by ourselves and off we went, with tears still rolling down my face.
Well, the actual act of registering a birth, that isn't yours and yet you have to say it is, making sure the spelling was correct, whilst still bursting into tears was hard. If anyone else is reading this, don't do that on day 3/4. It is a bad idea!!
Needless to say S was great again, got us lunch out and we went to a new park with the children and it blew the cobwebs away!
S and C then got into texting about what had happened and C and N both apologised- they know now they shouldn't have had family there, they know that I didn't really want to go then but it was only because of the registration appointment and the visit was meant to be for us and the children. Had the extended family not been there, it would have been hard still of course but not ending quite like it did. In hindsight we should have waited to register the birth till next week too whilst hormones are less. Lesson learnt on all fronts.
To be continued....
Ok, so let's try to break this down. It may be another long one.
Tuesday morning we came back at 6.30 am, my eldest daughter was getting ready for school and we literally just hugged her, said good night and hit the pillow. I only slept for 2 hours and was up again at 8.30. No reason apart from I was literally buzzing!! I couldn't sleep, it was just too amazing and beautiful to be wasted and I pottered around marveling at what we had just done. Cheesy huh! I went back to bed while S slept and looked on my Fb where I had so many lovely comments and emails, and I carried on smiling. Oh and I both got up around 11.30 and he was still so happy. We found the last meal that N had cooked for us, a lovely curry and we sat eating that while watching our favourite shows and every now and then just going over what we had been through whilst crying, happy tears.
Every now and then we would just sigh and smile. I then had a lovely hot bath and my In laws bought back the 3 youngest children and we all had cuddles. I have to admit that we should have had a little more sleep because those last few hours of the children being hyper and bedtime being a while yet, were hard, but lovely too!
The next day, Wednesday was more of the same. I was completely on a high. S was fantastic, doing all housework, childcare etc. It was so nice to see the children and not be in as much pain, although my SPD still hasn't gone completely. S took the two little girls out to the supermarket and bought all of my favourite naughty foods, chocolate, soft cheeses and wine that I had missed and gave me time to sleep some more. The after pains were quite bad by this point but bleeding was light. I received several beautiful flower bouquets from my family and then a card came in the post from C's mum. The words are so beautiful and it did send me off a little as it meant so much hearing them from someone I haven't met. Then C sent me a couple of pictures via text and I had my first moment of hormones but still not sadness or regrets. Just a little over whelmed and it was soon over. Soon back to being extremely happy and walking on air. Well, may be with some sadness it was all over too!
Thursday was again another day of feeling the buzz. Genuinely felt the love for everything and everyone. In hindsight it was a mixture of the events and hormones- happy hormones but ones I can certainly live with! The children being off school meant it was a bit too much by the afternoon as we were quite tired and they were noisy obviously. I did take them out the village green on their roller skates for an hour while Scott popped out and I enjoyed being out and about with them! And I kept chuckling to myself - there I was walking around with them and not many people would know I had just given birth. Definitely a strange feeling! S was still so helpful and wonderful and we were just enjoying being in each others company, which was great after the last few months!!
Friday was when we had booked an appointment to register Evie and to coincide with the visit, my were to take the 3 little ones to meet her at my IPs house. I did wake up at 6am with butterflies in my stomach at what was to come but emotionally I was fine and life was just becoming normal. The girls had bought Evie a present and it was nice to be able to take her something form them.
It wasn't until we pulled in to the drive that I saw other cars, and my heart dropped. I really didn't fancy seeing anyone right then- C had mentioned that N's siter wanted to come over but he had said no, it was our time and not to worry. The visit and seeing the baby and introducing the children to her, was enough to contend with so soon after the birth and even S offered to turn back round. But we went ahead any way, hoped it was just a visiting midwife and as soon as we knocked, C opened the door and hugged us.
We started taking our shoes off and N appeared holding the baby, with her sister right beside her. She didn't even say hello but made her excuses to go straight past us, upstairs and change her and her sister came over and hugged us and kept on thanking us for what we have done. We will still in the door way at this point and I could see a whole room of kids and N's brother in law and i began to feel a bit panicky. As I caught a quick glimpse of baby's head, they both went upstairs and I heard Evie cry and it was just too much. I just started bawling. I couldn't catch my breath and needed to get out of the eye line of everyone, as they were staring and I just told S that I needed to go, right then. Evie's cry's continued and I really tried to hold it together as my children were wondering what on earth was going on so C took me out to the garden at the back, and there is where I stayed for the whole 20 minute visit.
S kept coming out and seeing what I wanted to do, as did C and all I wanted was to go but I also wanted the children to meet Evie, so S and C went in and supervised and took photos and I just kept crying and crying. My make up was everywhere and I felt utterly miserable and mortified. I could see N's family peering out the window gawping at the crying lady and I took a walk around the gardens playing with the dog in between sobs. Talk about a pathetic sight. What didn't help was that N's sister also kept coming out (apparently S tried to stop her as I found out after but she didn't listen) and telling me I would be alright and it was just a hormone dump. Erm, if you haven't been through it, don't try to tell me what it is please. I actually became quite angry at that really!
Anyway it was decided that just S and I would go and register the birth by ourselves and off we went, with tears still rolling down my face.
Well, the actual act of registering a birth, that isn't yours and yet you have to say it is, making sure the spelling was correct, whilst still bursting into tears was hard. If anyone else is reading this, don't do that on day 3/4. It is a bad idea!!
Needless to say S was great again, got us lunch out and we went to a new park with the children and it blew the cobwebs away!
S and C then got into texting about what had happened and C and N both apologised- they know now they shouldn't have had family there, they know that I didn't really want to go then but it was only because of the registration appointment and the visit was meant to be for us and the children. Had the extended family not been there, it would have been hard still of course but not ending quite like it did. In hindsight we should have waited to register the birth till next week too whilst hormones are less. Lesson learnt on all fronts.
To be continued....
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Birth story with pictures. Warning, it's long!!
Ok, so the Monday came and I had to call the Delivery Unit to see if they had space for us at 8am. Luckily they did and S and went in at 9.30am. We were met by a lovely young midwife Charlotte who was friendly and very pro surrogacy. Nothing much happened, apart from the usual monitoring as is the usual for inductions until 10.30 when she assessed me and and found me to be 2 cms, with a medium to long cervix but soft, so a 4 on the Bishops score. Great news bearing in mind I was 38 plus 3 at this point. The CXs and Evening Primrose Oil had done something. So i was given some Gel, monitored for 30 minutes and and then told to spend the next 6 hours doing what we wanted.
At first I had some mild CXs and we went for a walk around the hospital together. They didn't pick up as a result and I was already feeling tired- severe lack of sleep for the past 2 months will do that to you, so I knew I should have a lay down and shut my eyes. S had to nip back home as I had forgotten to pack my gift for IM so I managed a good hour and then we just chilled out together- I was actually quite fun away from the children!
My IF who was working that morning, kept popping in to see us and a lot of the staff came and said hi and to talk about the Surrogacy.
After a while the CXs seemed to get a bit stronger and I went for a warm shower as a lot of the pain was in my back. Needless to say I chose the wrong shower room as this was just a bath with a shower attachment and I couldn't get the water on my back sufficiently without spraying the water everywhere. It was then that I got my self out, and had to mop the floor, that I felt a significant change and they began to take my breath away. I knew that housework and chores would do
Once changed, I really began walking around and bouncing on a labour ball to strengthen them and they checked my progress at 5pm. The CXs were very obvious on the monitor, coming every 2-3 minutes and lasting around 40 seconds and combined with me being now 3 cms and thinning out, we were making progress. We all decided not to bother with any more gel as my body was apparently doing what it should and I asked S to call my IPs at 6pm as it was becoming harder to talk through them. I wanted to have some time with them which we did!
I told her that I didn't think the CXs were lasting long enough and I was getting tired. She spent time watching me and she said we would check at 11.30pm to see what was happening. In the end I got a little stroppy as it just didn't make sense to me that we were waiting so long to check and the contractions were still no longer than 55 seconds. I have been there before and knew my body, so she checked around 10.30 as a compromise. And that is when we found out that I was exactly the same. In 4 hours I hadn't changed at all, not even effacement. I knew it all along and that is when they agreed to break my waters- I knew that it would what I needed to progress. S was my perfect birthing companion as he was with our children and he helped me keep it together in the moments of doubt, rubbing my back and applying hot wheat packs to help with the back labour.
However before they bleeped the consultant to come and do the ARM as baby was so high still, I talked with my IF and we decided that I would ask for an Epidural. I haven't had one before but this wasn't my baby and i didn't need the sense of 'achievement' going naturally. I already had that, just by doing what I was doing after all. I had gone through enough pain for other people and i quite fancied a pain free labour. By this point it was obvious that our plan to leave the hospital the same night was out of the window as time was not on our side, so why not!
The Doctor came, a junior colleague of my IF and it all fell in to place quickly. But I should have known that it wasn't meant to be however and after 20 minutes and 7 attempts at him stabbing my spine we gave up. I haven't ever been in such pain as when he kept trying. It was all the way up my spine, to the left of the spine, to the right with every time he prodded me and i remember crying out a lot as he missed his target. He just didn't seem to care and seemed flustered with the situation, may be because the stakes were higher than a normal case as he knew my IF was watching? I don't know, but my bruise on my back now ( i have seen pictures) is huge and you can actually see each individual stab mark. I couldn't stop crying at this point what with the CXs still on top of each other and in the end I just said for them to get the ARm over with or without pain relief. I of course used Gas and Air and that as usual helped me cope.
So 11.30pm, 13 hours after Induction started, my waters were broken. At this point I was still a 3 cms, baby was high and 50% effaced so everyone assumed it would be a while and again, my contractions were still short and frequent. It was at 12 am, that the contractions became longer and more spaced out and exactly what I knew I needed and I said that bearing in mind how I was feeling right then, the baby would be here in an hour and half. I think by this point Abby was beginning to believe me when I said I knew my own body and S sure knows this by now so there seemed to be a change in the atmosphere of the room. Things became intense and the pain was overwhelming. It was this point that they discovered the baby had shifted and confirmed she was back to back- the pain was all down my legs and lower back.
Sure enough by around 1am, my pain had changed, the familiar pins and needles had arrived in my legs and I asked my IM to go and get the MW. I remember hearing her say that I felt things felt different and she was there by my side within minutes. I pulled it together to explain that I was close and Abby seemed to take me seriously. She asked if she could check me and they found out i was still a stretchy 7cm.
Instead of feeling crushed, or put off, I knew how I felt right then- that my body was just on the verge of pushing automatically as per usual. And sure enough a started bearing down with little groans.
Things got a bit hellish then because I knew I had to stop the pushing but couldn't, I was scared what would happen to me as a consequence. Abby and another MW were telling me to breath through it and Scott was holding me trying to coach me to stop it. But my body just does it and the pain is immense if I try to fight it. The room began to spin violently as I was breathing gas and air continuously, just desperate to hold on another 10 minutes or so but it wasn't meant to be.
Within 4 deep pushes I remember hearing a baby cry and lots of adult voices becoming excited and tearful. I didn't feel the same usuall relief I get when a baby leaves my body and the pain felt like I had torn. And badly.
Anyway, from what I can remember (as the room still was spinning and I think I was in shock) I looked at the clock, noted its time and high fived S! IM took baby as soon as MW cut the cord and they quickly went into their own room over the corridor for much needed bonding time and for me to deliver the placenta and check for tearing. She was given 10/10 Apgar score and seemed perfect although she is the smallest baby I have had at only 7lbs. I think it was due to this, that I hadn't actually torn and just had a graze. Everyone in the room was saying they couldn't believe how well I knew my body- that was a little victory for me!
I heard her cry and all I can describe it as, not sounding like my baby. She sounded different to my babies, immediately. It didn't call to me in my heart or feel a maternal link. Very very surreal indeed. I lay there with a smile on my face, dealing with the after pains. I had two MWs attend the delivery of placenta as being number 5 baby, there is increased risk of bleeding out but that went well too. S went back and forth, taking photos and coming back to update me and within an hour I was ready for a lavendar bath and change of clothes.
It was this time that I knew me now having an epidural was the best thing, i was up and walking around. S helped me no end in the bath, and cleaned me up and the mess I left behind.
I went to their room and sat with the new parents and baby and IF, IM and I all sat and talked, staring at her whilst S slept in our room. We had all been running on adrenaline, he had been running on duty and he needed to sleep.
I admit I was worried about seeing her but I needn't have worried, I felt nothing and was just tired and grateful it was over. She didn't look like my babies, and she looked so content and loved in her mummy's arms. I held her for a while and it felt strange, like holding a friends baby and I even started to panic when she started to whimper. Just as I had hoped for and worked so hard for the last 9 months.
It as then we swapped gifts, my necklace for my IM and coincidentally, they had bought e a beautiful necklace and locket with a diamond on it, for a picture of Evie ad they are going to have it engraved on the back. It certainly is beautiful ad so thoughtful.
By this point, it was 4.00 am, so close to dawn, we decided that it would be best if we let S sleep a bit more and he could drive me home as soon as possible. So at 4 hours old, baby had her Pediatric check, declared perfect and we were discharged at 5.30. I will never forget us all laughing and smiling in the hallway and then getting to the hospital corridor. My Ips had parked at the back and we had parked at the front and so it meant us saying our goodbyes and parting ways there and then. We all hugged and I cried, sad it was all over and sad we were saying goodbye. I tried to hold it together and Scott and I walked off in one direction with just a bag and they in another with the baby. And yet again, I didn't feel an attachment or longing, after 24 hours of being awake, I just wanted to go home and see my own family and sleep in my own bed.
To be continued....
At first I had some mild CXs and we went for a walk around the hospital together. They didn't pick up as a result and I was already feeling tired- severe lack of sleep for the past 2 months will do that to you, so I knew I should have a lay down and shut my eyes. S had to nip back home as I had forgotten to pack my gift for IM so I managed a good hour and then we just chilled out together- I was actually quite fun away from the children!
My IF who was working that morning, kept popping in to see us and a lot of the staff came and said hi and to talk about the Surrogacy.
After a while the CXs seemed to get a bit stronger and I went for a warm shower as a lot of the pain was in my back. Needless to say I chose the wrong shower room as this was just a bath with a shower attachment and I couldn't get the water on my back sufficiently without spraying the water everywhere. It was then that I got my self out, and had to mop the floor, that I felt a significant change and they began to take my breath away. I knew that housework and chores would do
Once changed, I really began walking around and bouncing on a labour ball to strengthen them and they checked my progress at 5pm. The CXs were very obvious on the monitor, coming every 2-3 minutes and lasting around 40 seconds and combined with me being now 3 cms and thinning out, we were making progress. We all decided not to bother with any more gel as my body was apparently doing what it should and I asked S to call my IPs at 6pm as it was becoming harder to talk through them. I wanted to have some time with them which we did!
We all spent time chatting and laughing although the CXs were so frequent it was hard finishing a conversation. IM bought us soups and baked goodies which was a lovely touch!
By around 8pm i was anxious to see when they were going to break my waters and head around to the delivery suite but Charlotte and the Consultant agreed that it wasn't time yet. I thought I knew better and tried to explain that the CXs just weren't long enough to be doing anything and my initial Induction of labour plan was that ARM would happen as soon as possible after gel. I have to admit that the pain was getting to me a little too but I felt frustrated no one was particuarly listening to me after birthing 4 times before and it meant more time waiting around.
9.00pm came and I needed pain relief- I hadn't had anything at all by this point and so midwives, doctors and a lovely assistant escorted the 4 of us over. It really was such a relaxed and exciting time and everyone seemed to want to be a part of it all!
We headed to the same room that I had coincidentally had one of my daughters in 5 years ago and we all met the new team of midwives. it was then that we met Abby, another young midwife who was from Malta. I felt a little put out that we were given a young midwife again- i tend to prefer an older person who has seen it all before but within minutes she was putting me at ease and we are all laughing and joking. My Ips seemed even more nervous by this point but S kept them calm whilst making sure I was ok and they weren't annoying me!I told her that I didn't think the CXs were lasting long enough and I was getting tired. She spent time watching me and she said we would check at 11.30pm to see what was happening. In the end I got a little stroppy as it just didn't make sense to me that we were waiting so long to check and the contractions were still no longer than 55 seconds. I have been there before and knew my body, so she checked around 10.30 as a compromise. And that is when we found out that I was exactly the same. In 4 hours I hadn't changed at all, not even effacement. I knew it all along and that is when they agreed to break my waters- I knew that it would what I needed to progress. S was my perfect birthing companion as he was with our children and he helped me keep it together in the moments of doubt, rubbing my back and applying hot wheat packs to help with the back labour.
However before they bleeped the consultant to come and do the ARM as baby was so high still, I talked with my IF and we decided that I would ask for an Epidural. I haven't had one before but this wasn't my baby and i didn't need the sense of 'achievement' going naturally. I already had that, just by doing what I was doing after all. I had gone through enough pain for other people and i quite fancied a pain free labour. By this point it was obvious that our plan to leave the hospital the same night was out of the window as time was not on our side, so why not!
The Doctor came, a junior colleague of my IF and it all fell in to place quickly. But I should have known that it wasn't meant to be however and after 20 minutes and 7 attempts at him stabbing my spine we gave up. I haven't ever been in such pain as when he kept trying. It was all the way up my spine, to the left of the spine, to the right with every time he prodded me and i remember crying out a lot as he missed his target. He just didn't seem to care and seemed flustered with the situation, may be because the stakes were higher than a normal case as he knew my IF was watching? I don't know, but my bruise on my back now ( i have seen pictures) is huge and you can actually see each individual stab mark. I couldn't stop crying at this point what with the CXs still on top of each other and in the end I just said for them to get the ARm over with or without pain relief. I of course used Gas and Air and that as usual helped me cope.
So 11.30pm, 13 hours after Induction started, my waters were broken. At this point I was still a 3 cms, baby was high and 50% effaced so everyone assumed it would be a while and again, my contractions were still short and frequent. It was at 12 am, that the contractions became longer and more spaced out and exactly what I knew I needed and I said that bearing in mind how I was feeling right then, the baby would be here in an hour and half. I think by this point Abby was beginning to believe me when I said I knew my own body and S sure knows this by now so there seemed to be a change in the atmosphere of the room. Things became intense and the pain was overwhelming. It was this point that they discovered the baby had shifted and confirmed she was back to back- the pain was all down my legs and lower back.
Sure enough by around 1am, my pain had changed, the familiar pins and needles had arrived in my legs and I asked my IM to go and get the MW. I remember hearing her say that I felt things felt different and she was there by my side within minutes. I pulled it together to explain that I was close and Abby seemed to take me seriously. She asked if she could check me and they found out i was still a stretchy 7cm.
Instead of feeling crushed, or put off, I knew how I felt right then- that my body was just on the verge of pushing automatically as per usual. And sure enough a started bearing down with little groans.
Things got a bit hellish then because I knew I had to stop the pushing but couldn't, I was scared what would happen to me as a consequence. Abby and another MW were telling me to breath through it and Scott was holding me trying to coach me to stop it. But my body just does it and the pain is immense if I try to fight it. The room began to spin violently as I was breathing gas and air continuously, just desperate to hold on another 10 minutes or so but it wasn't meant to be.
Within 4 deep pushes I remember hearing a baby cry and lots of adult voices becoming excited and tearful. I didn't feel the same usuall relief I get when a baby leaves my body and the pain felt like I had torn. And badly.
Anyway, from what I can remember (as the room still was spinning and I think I was in shock) I looked at the clock, noted its time and high fived S! IM took baby as soon as MW cut the cord and they quickly went into their own room over the corridor for much needed bonding time and for me to deliver the placenta and check for tearing. She was given 10/10 Apgar score and seemed perfect although she is the smallest baby I have had at only 7lbs. I think it was due to this, that I hadn't actually torn and just had a graze. Everyone in the room was saying they couldn't believe how well I knew my body- that was a little victory for me!
I heard her cry and all I can describe it as, not sounding like my baby. She sounded different to my babies, immediately. It didn't call to me in my heart or feel a maternal link. Very very surreal indeed. I lay there with a smile on my face, dealing with the after pains. I had two MWs attend the delivery of placenta as being number 5 baby, there is increased risk of bleeding out but that went well too. S went back and forth, taking photos and coming back to update me and within an hour I was ready for a lavendar bath and change of clothes.
It was this time that I knew me now having an epidural was the best thing, i was up and walking around. S helped me no end in the bath, and cleaned me up and the mess I left behind.
I went to their room and sat with the new parents and baby and IF, IM and I all sat and talked, staring at her whilst S slept in our room. We had all been running on adrenaline, he had been running on duty and he needed to sleep.
I admit I was worried about seeing her but I needn't have worried, I felt nothing and was just tired and grateful it was over. She didn't look like my babies, and she looked so content and loved in her mummy's arms. I held her for a while and it felt strange, like holding a friends baby and I even started to panic when she started to whimper. Just as I had hoped for and worked so hard for the last 9 months.
It as then we swapped gifts, my necklace for my IM and coincidentally, they had bought e a beautiful necklace and locket with a diamond on it, for a picture of Evie ad they are going to have it engraved on the back. It certainly is beautiful ad so thoughtful.
By this point, it was 4.00 am, so close to dawn, we decided that it would be best if we let S sleep a bit more and he could drive me home as soon as possible. So at 4 hours old, baby had her Pediatric check, declared perfect and we were discharged at 5.30. I will never forget us all laughing and smiling in the hallway and then getting to the hospital corridor. My Ips had parked at the back and we had parked at the front and so it meant us saying our goodbyes and parting ways there and then. We all hugged and I cried, sad it was all over and sad we were saying goodbye. I tried to hold it together and Scott and I walked off in one direction with just a bag and they in another with the baby. And yet again, I didn't feel an attachment or longing, after 24 hours of being awake, I just wanted to go home and see my own family and sleep in my own bed.
To be continued....
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Sorry, another post....
9 months ago we had our bfp, and in the very same week, so did my close friend. She lives in the next village, our daughters are best friends and we have coffee weekly together. Her pregnancy wasn't planned but after worrying about health complications, as she has had a ruptured uterus before, they decided to keep the baby and our due dates were 6 days apart.
I instantly worried. Yes I was pleased for them, excited but how would it make me feel when our bumps grew, when people at the school started asking about our symptoms and gender reveals.
Surprising myself, I have been completely great with it all so far- I am honestly genuinely excited for them , can't wait to go and buy little gifts and it doesn't make me broody or sad. Of course seeing them in the first few weeks may be harder and as birthdays roll around each year, I may become a little more nostalgic but i am a grown up, i can deal with this. What I stupidly didn't think about was my daughter.
Our daughters are 4, just started school and and are extremely close since play group. And as its a village school, they share a class with the next year up, which is where my next child is too, so essentially the three of them all play together and have play dates. And as the pregnancies have gone on I have heard more and more worrying things coming from my daughter, referring to "Kitty's baby and our baby". My friend has also heard things from her daughter about what L has been saying and approached me as to what to say in response which was sweet of her but worrying.
Of course I consulted with the children per a year ago then prepared them, they have known about N's broken tummy and the need for an egg and my womb, and they were all excited. This baby is a like a cousin to them which they don't have. They want to help c and n, they love them and we have been honest and yet encouraging. They love nothing more than go to their house and be shown the new nursery or her clothes. They met the babies grandparents and aunties, and they all understood. And we of course always talk about the ultimate reward to the children who supported mummy through this- a long overdue holiday in the sun somewhere, and the thought of beaches, pools and unlimited ice cream which seems to put things into perspective! They are children after all.
But as my friend prepares for her new baby, washing the clothes, sorting cribs and buying new bits for him/her my daughter has been asking more and more questions, becoming excited and patting my stomach making cooing sounds, just like her friend does to her own mummy. She even offered to give the new baby her own bed so she could stay with us when I said it wasn't ours to keep, and besides we didn't have enough room for another baby and she was my baby and always will be. Sigh.
I KNOW this pregnancy would have passed pretty much insignificantly to L had my friend not been pregnant at the same time. My kids were and are so prepared for this, I wouldn't have proceeded had that not been the case. She isn't a big baby/doll type of child, being a tomboy. But she is 4 and this situation came out of the blue so how could I have prepared her. It's just terrible timing for us.
I keep saying the same things, chanting them like a mantra. The usuals- we are helping them have what mummy has, to give laughter and love and C and N would be sad still until they have baby E in their arms. She doesn't seem to be sad yet, but as my friend goes in for her c section today, the next few days will be tough. Please spare a little thought for her, and may be me as I will be the one keeping it together whilst dealing with my own hormones at the exactly same time. I know it will pass and if I am honest, I am hoping that L sees the time and attention a baby takes and that will comfort her that its not our child!!!
This weekend, we will be going shopping for presents and cards for the two babies and two new mummies and hope that this will help. Fingers crossed.
I instantly worried. Yes I was pleased for them, excited but how would it make me feel when our bumps grew, when people at the school started asking about our symptoms and gender reveals.
Surprising myself, I have been completely great with it all so far- I am honestly genuinely excited for them , can't wait to go and buy little gifts and it doesn't make me broody or sad. Of course seeing them in the first few weeks may be harder and as birthdays roll around each year, I may become a little more nostalgic but i am a grown up, i can deal with this. What I stupidly didn't think about was my daughter.
Our daughters are 4, just started school and and are extremely close since play group. And as its a village school, they share a class with the next year up, which is where my next child is too, so essentially the three of them all play together and have play dates. And as the pregnancies have gone on I have heard more and more worrying things coming from my daughter, referring to "Kitty's baby and our baby". My friend has also heard things from her daughter about what L has been saying and approached me as to what to say in response which was sweet of her but worrying.
Of course I consulted with the children per a year ago then prepared them, they have known about N's broken tummy and the need for an egg and my womb, and they were all excited. This baby is a like a cousin to them which they don't have. They want to help c and n, they love them and we have been honest and yet encouraging. They love nothing more than go to their house and be shown the new nursery or her clothes. They met the babies grandparents and aunties, and they all understood. And we of course always talk about the ultimate reward to the children who supported mummy through this- a long overdue holiday in the sun somewhere, and the thought of beaches, pools and unlimited ice cream which seems to put things into perspective! They are children after all.
But as my friend prepares for her new baby, washing the clothes, sorting cribs and buying new bits for him/her my daughter has been asking more and more questions, becoming excited and patting my stomach making cooing sounds, just like her friend does to her own mummy. She even offered to give the new baby her own bed so she could stay with us when I said it wasn't ours to keep, and besides we didn't have enough room for another baby and she was my baby and always will be. Sigh.
I KNOW this pregnancy would have passed pretty much insignificantly to L had my friend not been pregnant at the same time. My kids were and are so prepared for this, I wouldn't have proceeded had that not been the case. She isn't a big baby/doll type of child, being a tomboy. But she is 4 and this situation came out of the blue so how could I have prepared her. It's just terrible timing for us.
I keep saying the same things, chanting them like a mantra. The usuals- we are helping them have what mummy has, to give laughter and love and C and N would be sad still until they have baby E in their arms. She doesn't seem to be sad yet, but as my friend goes in for her c section today, the next few days will be tough. Please spare a little thought for her, and may be me as I will be the one keeping it together whilst dealing with my own hormones at the exactly same time. I know it will pass and if I am honest, I am hoping that L sees the time and attention a baby takes and that will comfort her that its not our child!!!
This weekend, we will be going shopping for presents and cards for the two babies and two new mummies and hope that this will help. Fingers crossed.
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
Colostrum harvesting......
Is hard! From half an hour of pumping and sucking the individual drips with the syringe, I managed 0.02 mls. That is nothing from the work I put in and how my breasts felt afterwards. The pumping part is easy, there seems to be a lot of let down already in colostrum but its the collection part that is fiddly, time consuming and hit and miss. I need 4 hands but i will keep persevering!
Ooh and cervix is easier to reach, i have a slight upset tummy again and I think I lost my mucous plug last night. My IPs took me out for a spontaneous lunch today and bought me a present- an IPad with engraving on the back, to mark our journey and their gratitude. I am so blessed which is why I feel like I want to try my very best for them in return. Fingers crossed tonight that the collection is easier!!
Ooh and cervix is easier to reach, i have a slight upset tummy again and I think I lost my mucous plug last night. My IPs took me out for a spontaneous lunch today and bought me a present- an IPad with engraving on the back, to mark our journey and their gratitude. I am so blessed which is why I feel like I want to try my very best for them in return. Fingers crossed tonight that the collection is easier!!
Monday, 4 February 2013
A year!!!! Happy Blog-Versary
"So this is a new blog, leaving my old one behind. I have it saved somewhere but after 18 months of ups an downs, tears and tantrums, i wanted a new one from the start of 2012. Because this is a new year, a new me and my final 12 months trying to become a surrogate and make someone's lives change for ever. Because the bug is still nipping at my toes and I can't forget my dream of achieving this yet." 7th February 2012
This was written on this blog, a year ago (in 3 days time to be precise). This blog was intended to document my year in surrogacy, to see how the year went and if I achieved my goal. What amazing journey it's been in that year!!!
Like, I had an idea that it would only take a year?!- I couldn't have planned this blog, it's title and how its all panned out, any better it seems! And we all know by now that in surrogacy, you can't usually plan these things, things have a habit of working themselves out in their own time, if in fact, they do at all.
But as of today, a year to when i started this blog, I am sitting on my birthing ball, with a breast pump attached, constant text messages of appreciation from my IPs, and a dinner that they made us in the oven, lots of contractions, MW has confirmed baby is engaged and we are literally days away from making this dream a reality. Wow!
This was written on this blog, a year ago (in 3 days time to be precise). This blog was intended to document my year in surrogacy, to see how the year went and if I achieved my goal. What amazing journey it's been in that year!!!
Like, I had an idea that it would only take a year?!- I couldn't have planned this blog, it's title and how its all panned out, any better it seems! And we all know by now that in surrogacy, you can't usually plan these things, things have a habit of working themselves out in their own time, if in fact, they do at all.
But as of today, a year to when i started this blog, I am sitting on my birthing ball, with a breast pump attached, constant text messages of appreciation from my IPs, and a dinner that they made us in the oven, lots of contractions, MW has confirmed baby is engaged and we are literally days away from making this dream a reality. Wow!
Sunday, 3 February 2013
37 weeks
Oh how grateful I am that we are here! Things are getting closer and more exciting. And let's face it, more miserable and uncomfortable too.
We had our monthly meal with C and V on Friday and I was so upbeat and excited. I have been having painful CXs all day, a nice healthy back ache and they got to witness them for themselves. You can see my whole stomach swell and tense with the decent ones and they managed to feel them. Add in that they are all finished preparing for her arrival, it was exciting and my excitement and positive energy lasted all day yesterday too. Today? I have had enough, I can't get comfortable, I am breathless, can't sleep due to jumpy legs, my stomach is sore from the CXs (that have stopped again) and I keep crying for no reason. All typical end of pregnancy symptoms, so it is to be expected, but what a difference 24 hours can make!
I had to call my MW out on Friday as I had a bad headache, nausea and just didn't feel right in myself and she found my BP is a little up (120/78 from 110/55) and I have some protein in my urine. So I had to do a mid stream sample and I am seeing the MW again tomorrow for the results and another check up. Baby is moving lots and the headache went the next day so they aren't too worried yet. I think my body is just had enough now and is doing it's best to evict little Miss (E? They are pretty set on the name, but just not broadcasting it yet). The midwife thinks I am in a slow, stalling labour already due to me not being able to talk through the Cxs which is a good sign but also frustrating!
I started pumping last night, and got what I can only call the odd drip from both breasts after only 15 minutes each side. I wanted to do it half an hour each to help ripen my cervix, (which is half the reason I have started now) but I didn't want to be in pain the following day. I think this is going to be as hard as I thought it was. There may be updates coming this way if I find out differently. My IPs have provided about 50 syringes and caps- optimistic to say the least!
Oh and the induction due to the hospital schedule and baby sitting issues has been brought forward 2 days so only a week left. However, it is good to remember that because it is even earlier, it has even less chance of it working so more chance of spending all day there only to be sent home for another week.
I have come to terms with that and I am still in favour of this method despite me probably coming home grumpy and frustrated. It all depends on if my body is ready and not completely forcing it with drugs. It's still an induction of sorts and that has to be taken seriously, but there will no drip,no constant monitoring, no working against an unfavourable cervix.
So this week is all about coming to terms that this may be the last week I am pregnant. Someone pointed out to me that I need to accept this and just enjoy it for what it is. Because I have no desire to to this again, nor add to my own family so essentially, this should be the last time I have a baby inside of me, and on top of that, this baby. It's my last time with her before she goes to her family and I know I will miss this squirming bump and our sometimes testy co existence, and the fact I am someone's surrogate bringing their dreams alive, no matter how grumpy or frustrated I am right now.
We had our monthly meal with C and V on Friday and I was so upbeat and excited. I have been having painful CXs all day, a nice healthy back ache and they got to witness them for themselves. You can see my whole stomach swell and tense with the decent ones and they managed to feel them. Add in that they are all finished preparing for her arrival, it was exciting and my excitement and positive energy lasted all day yesterday too. Today? I have had enough, I can't get comfortable, I am breathless, can't sleep due to jumpy legs, my stomach is sore from the CXs (that have stopped again) and I keep crying for no reason. All typical end of pregnancy symptoms, so it is to be expected, but what a difference 24 hours can make!
I had to call my MW out on Friday as I had a bad headache, nausea and just didn't feel right in myself and she found my BP is a little up (120/78 from 110/55) and I have some protein in my urine. So I had to do a mid stream sample and I am seeing the MW again tomorrow for the results and another check up. Baby is moving lots and the headache went the next day so they aren't too worried yet. I think my body is just had enough now and is doing it's best to evict little Miss (E? They are pretty set on the name, but just not broadcasting it yet). The midwife thinks I am in a slow, stalling labour already due to me not being able to talk through the Cxs which is a good sign but also frustrating!
I started pumping last night, and got what I can only call the odd drip from both breasts after only 15 minutes each side. I wanted to do it half an hour each to help ripen my cervix, (which is half the reason I have started now) but I didn't want to be in pain the following day. I think this is going to be as hard as I thought it was. There may be updates coming this way if I find out differently. My IPs have provided about 50 syringes and caps- optimistic to say the least!
Oh and the induction due to the hospital schedule and baby sitting issues has been brought forward 2 days so only a week left. However, it is good to remember that because it is even earlier, it has even less chance of it working so more chance of spending all day there only to be sent home for another week.
I have come to terms with that and I am still in favour of this method despite me probably coming home grumpy and frustrated. It all depends on if my body is ready and not completely forcing it with drugs. It's still an induction of sorts and that has to be taken seriously, but there will no drip,no constant monitoring, no working against an unfavourable cervix.
So this week is all about coming to terms that this may be the last week I am pregnant. Someone pointed out to me that I need to accept this and just enjoy it for what it is. Because I have no desire to to this again, nor add to my own family so essentially, this should be the last time I have a baby inside of me, and on top of that, this baby. It's my last time with her before she goes to her family and I know I will miss this squirming bump and our sometimes testy co existence, and the fact I am someone's surrogate bringing their dreams alive, no matter how grumpy or frustrated I am right now.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
All set
The meeting with the Head of Midwifery went really really well. She was lovely and actually, similar to me in her approach.
S was here after getting we have decided to try and see this through to the end and he took the day off to be there. And just that fact that we saw her, in our house, away from my IPs and as a couple really helped him feel connected and a part of things. She definitely erred on the side of the surrogate despite knowing C at work and that was reassuring. She reassured us that I was the number one most important thing so she won't put up with any nonsense from staff or Ips.
Anyway, most of the plan I can have as I requested, there are one or two things that I has suspected wouldn't be able to happen, and I was right- all normal things like being able to leave before the baby, or vice versa, but N is going to be allowed to do the day to day care and we can have a side room. Phew. So now the forms are all signed, she has assured me that there will multiple copies in all notes and every MW on shift will know the score.
So on the back of that, S took me shopping to get my last minute things for my hospital bag and now that is all packed too, minus the last minute things like phones and chargers. So, things are set!
I am a bit pissed with a new insight into my IF as the HOM who came to our house, has known him for such a long time and had been trying to talk him around to the home birth idea. It was my original idea as it would make everyone's life easier, including theirs but him being who he is, he didn't like the idea. She also admitted that me delivering at the other hospital like I wanted would have been much easier and preferable to her professionally. But again C didn't see the point and I was guided by him. There are few other things that apparently have been said but I am not going to pay attention to those and just knuckle down.
I have started Evening Primrose Oil vaginally now and last night I managed to find my cervix relatively easy. On an amateur scale, I would say that I was already a 1-2 cm and 50% effaced, as my cervix was quite flat, soft and slightly open. All good news! Oh and baby was incredibly low again this AM as I could bend right over to put on a sock without feeling out of breath! Things are looking good!
S was here after getting we have decided to try and see this through to the end and he took the day off to be there. And just that fact that we saw her, in our house, away from my IPs and as a couple really helped him feel connected and a part of things. She definitely erred on the side of the surrogate despite knowing C at work and that was reassuring. She reassured us that I was the number one most important thing so she won't put up with any nonsense from staff or Ips.
Anyway, most of the plan I can have as I requested, there are one or two things that I has suspected wouldn't be able to happen, and I was right- all normal things like being able to leave before the baby, or vice versa, but N is going to be allowed to do the day to day care and we can have a side room. Phew. So now the forms are all signed, she has assured me that there will multiple copies in all notes and every MW on shift will know the score.
So on the back of that, S took me shopping to get my last minute things for my hospital bag and now that is all packed too, minus the last minute things like phones and chargers. So, things are set!
I am a bit pissed with a new insight into my IF as the HOM who came to our house, has known him for such a long time and had been trying to talk him around to the home birth idea. It was my original idea as it would make everyone's life easier, including theirs but him being who he is, he didn't like the idea. She also admitted that me delivering at the other hospital like I wanted would have been much easier and preferable to her professionally. But again C didn't see the point and I was guided by him. There are few other things that apparently have been said but I am not going to pay attention to those and just knuckle down.
I have started Evening Primrose Oil vaginally now and last night I managed to find my cervix relatively easy. On an amateur scale, I would say that I was already a 1-2 cm and 50% effaced, as my cervix was quite flat, soft and slightly open. All good news! Oh and baby was incredibly low again this AM as I could bend right over to put on a sock without feeling out of breath! Things are looking good!
Friday, 25 January 2013
36 weeks
I am 36 weeks tomorrow and feeling every inch of it!
I would normally post on the day or after but it's my eldest's 15th Birthday and we have so much planned all weekend. And on Monday I have a visitor coming. The Head of Midwifery in the hospital I am delivering at is coming to my house. Yup, talk about over the top. Firstly, I literally can't move my legs today. I need help going upstairs, getting shoes on turning over into bed and getting out of the bath. So now I need to get the house immaculate for her arrival. Yes, I could just leave it and blush, but I can't have someone like that think that things are slipping, or I am not coping. I would be mortified, but that's just me. So cue lots of prepping and extra cleaning. Fingers crossed it's just a bad few days and by Monday, things will be better.
The reason she wants to come is that I finished my birth plan with regards to surrogacy and sent it over after the rude, condescending pain in the backside community midwife called and chased me up with her usual tact.
So this manager wants to talk about it with me. Uh, oh. So I will update the blog after then- she said on the phone that it was good, was straight to the point and concise. Let's hope that she won't object to much to what I have asked for. None of it was over the top of ridiculous I may include it one day once it's approved.
Baby wise, feeling good in myself, baby is quieting down lately and my bump definitely dropped the last few days. I could feel her right down low and I could breath and bend over, and I had some lovely long, painful CXs which went to nothing in the end. But today, she is up back high again- all very normal to bob in and out with PG number 5 but still- I was getting my hopes up! Ooh and my breasts started leaking, right through my clothes (an unual thing this early on for me) so pumping will commence some time later next week and I have started taking EPO to see what it can do to my cervix for the possible induction.
Anyway, bump picture attached. Baby is measuring big, approximately 7 lbs already going by the chart but we all know they are often wrong. But I will admit, my bump is huge. As is my bum, legs, face, arms......so lets call it 5 lbs of baby and 2 lbs of cake ;-)
.JPG)
Excuse the trousers and T shirt- they are my best friends these days!
I would normally post on the day or after but it's my eldest's 15th Birthday and we have so much planned all weekend. And on Monday I have a visitor coming. The Head of Midwifery in the hospital I am delivering at is coming to my house. Yup, talk about over the top. Firstly, I literally can't move my legs today. I need help going upstairs, getting shoes on turning over into bed and getting out of the bath. So now I need to get the house immaculate for her arrival. Yes, I could just leave it and blush, but I can't have someone like that think that things are slipping, or I am not coping. I would be mortified, but that's just me. So cue lots of prepping and extra cleaning. Fingers crossed it's just a bad few days and by Monday, things will be better.
The reason she wants to come is that I finished my birth plan with regards to surrogacy and sent it over after the
So this manager wants to talk about it with me. Uh, oh. So I will update the blog after then- she said on the phone that it was good, was straight to the point and concise. Let's hope that she won't object to much to what I have asked for. None of it was over the top of ridiculous I may include it one day once it's approved.
Baby wise, feeling good in myself, baby is quieting down lately and my bump definitely dropped the last few days. I could feel her right down low and I could breath and bend over, and I had some lovely long, painful CXs which went to nothing in the end. But today, she is up back high again- all very normal to bob in and out with PG number 5 but still- I was getting my hopes up! Ooh and my breasts started leaking, right through my clothes (an unual thing this early on for me) so pumping will commence some time later next week and I have started taking EPO to see what it can do to my cervix for the possible induction.
Anyway, bump picture attached. Baby is measuring big, approximately 7 lbs already going by the chart but we all know they are often wrong. But I will admit, my bump is huge. As is my bum, legs, face, arms......so lets call it 5 lbs of baby and 2 lbs of cake ;-)
.JPG)
Excuse the trousers and T shirt- they are my best friends these days!
Monday, 21 January 2013
35 week post
Today we are 35 plus 2 and I am feeling much like my old self in terms of my last past. This is what I mean about swings and round a bouts, hormonal roller coasters. I just need to ride the wave and not panic next time. But at the moment emotionally I am feeling great and very excited and mentally prepared. Lots of other births going on around me that I am learning from and taking comfort in. I am on the hunt for a breast pump this week that I will start to use from 37 weeks. We have the syringes and their stoppers organised and I am learning to hand pump to to be able to collect the colostrum but I am not particularly hopeful I will get much- it is so early and I was an awful expresser anyhow. But MW said at least the very first feed is all i need to worry about, so about 10 ml which regulates baby sugars and coats the stomach ready for the formula so that is may aim. It's good to have aims!
Physically, I haven't been able to take my Codeine for 3 days and I haven't slept as a consequence. That one or two little tablets mean that I don't wake myself up every time I move through pain, mean that my hips don't ache within minutes of laying there and I feel more relaxed. However, I am hoping to be able to take one tonight and sleep like a baby, as tired isn't the word! I have been nesting like a maniac lately too, but I can't mop, hoover, move things very well, so I am buying storage left right and centre and then taking my time to sort bits out and organise. Very frustrating, but that sums up the last few weeks anyway!
I also ordered a necklace for my IM to give to her on 'D day', which is from a seller on Etsy. It is a chain with two round silver tags on- one with two tiny feet imprinted on it and the other say the word 'Believe'. I had it in mind from day one for her as she really needed to believe that this could happen. I just have to pay the customs on it ( I didn't think of that btw, so be prepared to factor that into the total price!) and then find something for my IF. He is the worst person to buy for and has anything that he would ever need. Well apart from the baby of course, but I wanted something for them to have on the day to remember it by. I had better get looking as we *should* only have 3 weeks and 3 days left! Eek!
Bump picture to come soon.
Physically, I haven't been able to take my Codeine for 3 days and I haven't slept as a consequence. That one or two little tablets mean that I don't wake myself up every time I move through pain, mean that my hips don't ache within minutes of laying there and I feel more relaxed. However, I am hoping to be able to take one tonight and sleep like a baby, as tired isn't the word! I have been nesting like a maniac lately too, but I can't mop, hoover, move things very well, so I am buying storage left right and centre and then taking my time to sort bits out and organise. Very frustrating, but that sums up the last few weeks anyway!
I also ordered a necklace for my IM to give to her on 'D day', which is from a seller on Etsy. It is a chain with two round silver tags on- one with two tiny feet imprinted on it and the other say the word 'Believe'. I had it in mind from day one for her as she really needed to believe that this could happen. I just have to pay the customs on it ( I didn't think of that btw, so be prepared to factor that into the total price!) and then find something for my IF. He is the worst person to buy for and has anything that he would ever need. Well apart from the baby of course, but I wanted something for them to have on the day to remember it by. I had better get looking as we *should* only have 3 weeks and 3 days left! Eek!
Bump picture to come soon.
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
34 week midwife checkup
Wow, 3 posts in one week, how extra rambly am I!
Just got back from a MW appointment and what a rude, nosey and uneducated woman she was! I haven't met her before as she is the team leader, and it doesn't help that she called me by the wrong name the whole time as it was clear she couldn't be bothered to read my notes properly, then she was getting mixed up as to why we were actually there (it was a routine appointment, that's all!) and then she was really very rude to my IM referring the baby as mine, reminding her that she would have no say in decisions and telling us off for not following protocol. I.e she didn't appreciate the news at the beginning of the pregnancy that my IPs were personal friends of her boss and we had already sorted the paper work, hospital plans and an induction date. She referred to it as "going through the back door" and "through friends of friends" and really, it was me that should be doing it all. Bad surrogate for being organised and using the resources I have to hand. Ha.
Then when she was talking about the impact on my family with a silly pained expression on her face (she really doesn't like Surrogacy in general I thought) she asked me about the impact on my 'poor' husband and children and I burst in to tears. Oh dear. That was like fodder for her. If any of you know me though Fb, S and I separated over Christmas mainly down the surrogacy and how it was making him react/feel. Yes, there are other issues, and we are trying to sort this out through counselling but the timing of this and the main reason are not coincidental. So cue lots of blubbing with her sticky beaking and her fake niceties. I was an inspiration apparently and it must be so hard to be in so much pain for someone else, whilst it's my egg too but said like she was smug and not surprised. Ugh.
To top it off, N and I left the office and she hugged me tightly and apologised for putting me through so much physical and emotional pain and that she loved me so much for doing this and she would never be able to thank me. Cue more crying again! I needed a good drink just to rehydrate myself.
And strangely now I feel so much better. Hearing those thank you's and likewise, the acknowledgement of the situation and an apology from N helped tremendously, then us walking arm in arm, laughing off the rude MW as two women together helped, and the little cry helped. And I am so determined to prove her and people like her wrong. Yes, it's hard, and it will get harder but I am proud and it will all be worth it. I have a new spirit of determination to knuckle down and get on to the delivery!
Health wise, baby is measuring 2 weeks ahead still so at least it isn't off the chart (despite the MW telling me I have put on too much weight and lay off eating too much 'healthy' food which I am eating to compensate the terrible Codeine constipation), she is head down, just hovering above the pelvis in readiness, BP was a good 120/55 and all my bloods and urine came back great.
So 4 weeks left fingers crossed! Bring it on!!!
Just got back from a MW appointment and what a rude, nosey and uneducated woman she was! I haven't met her before as she is the team leader, and it doesn't help that she called me by the wrong name the whole time as it was clear she couldn't be bothered to read my notes properly, then she was getting mixed up as to why we were actually there (it was a routine appointment, that's all!) and then she was really very rude to my IM referring the baby as mine, reminding her that she would have no say in decisions and telling us off for not following protocol. I.e she didn't appreciate the news at the beginning of the pregnancy that my IPs were personal friends of her boss and we had already sorted the paper work, hospital plans and an induction date. She referred to it as "going through the back door" and "through friends of friends" and really, it was me that should be doing it all. Bad surrogate for being organised and using the resources I have to hand. Ha.
Then when she was talking about the impact on my family with a silly pained expression on her face (she really doesn't like Surrogacy in general I thought) she asked me about the impact on my 'poor' husband and children and I burst in to tears. Oh dear. That was like fodder for her. If any of you know me though Fb, S and I separated over Christmas mainly down the surrogacy and how it was making him react/feel. Yes, there are other issues, and we are trying to sort this out through counselling but the timing of this and the main reason are not coincidental. So cue lots of blubbing with her sticky beaking and her fake niceties. I was an inspiration apparently and it must be so hard to be in so much pain for someone else, whilst it's my egg too but said like she was smug and not surprised. Ugh.
To top it off, N and I left the office and she hugged me tightly and apologised for putting me through so much physical and emotional pain and that she loved me so much for doing this and she would never be able to thank me. Cue more crying again! I needed a good drink just to rehydrate myself.
And strangely now I feel so much better. Hearing those thank you's and likewise, the acknowledgement of the situation and an apology from N helped tremendously, then us walking arm in arm, laughing off the rude MW as two women together helped, and the little cry helped. And I am so determined to prove her and people like her wrong. Yes, it's hard, and it will get harder but I am proud and it will all be worth it. I have a new spirit of determination to knuckle down and get on to the delivery!
Health wise, baby is measuring 2 weeks ahead still so at least it isn't off the chart (despite the MW telling me I have put on too much weight and lay off eating too much 'healthy' food which I am eating to compensate the terrible Codeine constipation), she is head down, just hovering above the pelvis in readiness, BP was a good 120/55 and all my bloods and urine came back great.
So 4 weeks left fingers crossed! Bring it on!!!
Monday, 14 January 2013
Just a quick note..
Sunday, 13 January 2013
34 weeks thoughts
There is absolutely nothing happening on the baby front here. She is moving around well, getting bigger! We have a MW appointment on Tuesday. The only things of significance is I had a little slip on wet tiles and did my already painful pelvis a huge mischief but all is well and baby seemed unfazed by it all. I have been having to have a pain killer during the day as well as night to be able to move but I am sure the pain will lessen a little. Or this is now just the way it will be till the end and I will get used to it! My legs aren't cooperating at all at the moment so they don't lift when I think they are. Cue lots of stumbles anyway. See a child's toy, step over it but I don't miss it at all as my legs just aren't working the way they should. Ugh.
Emotionally, I am not feeling too good either at the moment. From conception, I will be honest and say that my feelings have changed. Usually down to the hormones. So at the very beginning, I found the whole thing very exciting- I had been trying for 2 years and now it was really happening.
Then perhaps, the next week I would be feeling a little overwhelmed as there wasn't any going back, a sense of responsibility so overwhelming that it was hard to concentrate on anything else. But then say we would have a scan and I would see my IPs faces and I would feel nothing for the blob on the screen, so i would go back to being laid back and just happy for them. Content in my decision.
But then maybe a shift in hormones, or a small disagreement between my IPs and I,I would start questioning myself. Am I strong enough to do this, to what cost emotionally would this birth cost me as a person? Then maybe in the second trimester, I would go back to feeling really proud as people were asking about my stomach and what the situation was. That has been the biggest, over riding emotion for me the 8 months- pride.
But every now and then I get worried again. Sometimes I can have a dream say, so realistic and she is there with the other children, or I dream about the delivery and it is a horrible experience with 'evil IPs'. The psyche is a powerful thing and mix that with hormones, it isn't easy to avoid dreams like that and they can last all day afterwards.
Now, I will NEVER ever think about keeping the child. It is NOT my child, I know that. I don't want another child, and especially this one. I am a TS, not a mother. But I still have these days where I wake up panicked, thinking what on earth have I done and what am I going to be like after. I have thought through every situation, played through every eventuality before I did this. I am an over thinker. This blog proves that. But thinking and planning is one thing. Reality is another! Until you are there, you can't say how you are going to be and I don't want to be left unhappy, empty and used up and on days like today that is my biggest fear. I know that by next week my feelings will have settled down again and I will go back to being excited and proud. It is the way that I as a TS have been and I am sure there are other surrogates out there that feel the same.
I met my Ips family last night, as one sister will be the guardian should the IPs die and it kicked up feelings for me that I wasn't so sure about. I made this baby for C and V, as a huge gift and I am proud of that and excited still. I have wanted to, not for money, because I believe that they will make fantastic parents, have so much love to give and they have waited so long for this. It was a calling out of love for them. But should they die, I didn't like the thought of handing the child over to these strangers in a delivery room, who aren't genetically related to her and who are almost 50 years of age and have grown up children. It didn't make sense to me that should the IPs die between now and the Parental order being granted I would have to, when I am the one that cares so much for her already with a biological link and a warm spot in my heart for her. Sure, I don't want another child but in that scenario? I find that really weird.
As a surrogate I can't voice that and if I do, I am wrong. I can't imagine looking at the child's face and saying that a piece of paper made me hand her over in a delivery room to people that weren't her parents, I didn't know them, they haven't been vetted and who probably wouldn't want to have to start over again anyway. What would she think in 18 years time about that. (apparently they would love another one- but I just felt like saying have one then, you don't need this one- hormones flying!)
Just to add too, if the child goes home with the IPs for a few months and becomes part of their family, and then they die, I wouldn't have problem with it- its exactly like what happens up and down the country sadly when children are orphaned and so not my place to intervene. What I am talking about is before the baby is born and in the very first few days/week. That just feels different to me.
Anyway, them dying in the next 3 or 4 months isn't going to happen. Its just part of the planning process that we had contracted earlier. The chances are it is hypothetical so therfore no need to get hung up over, right? And of course I will stick to the contract so my opinions are invalid and pointless anyhow. But the aftermath of that thinking is that of course, it kicked up some worry in me. Am i supposed to be feeling so protective and thoughtful about her? Technically, most surrogates and IPs would say no, it's not my place. Just baby make, collect cash and a little thanks and move on, to hell with her feelings, and what I am feeling. But I guess that I am just different to that and always have been.
Emotionally, I am not feeling too good either at the moment. From conception, I will be honest and say that my feelings have changed. Usually down to the hormones. So at the very beginning, I found the whole thing very exciting- I had been trying for 2 years and now it was really happening.
Then perhaps, the next week I would be feeling a little overwhelmed as there wasn't any going back, a sense of responsibility so overwhelming that it was hard to concentrate on anything else. But then say we would have a scan and I would see my IPs faces and I would feel nothing for the blob on the screen, so i would go back to being laid back and just happy for them. Content in my decision.
But then maybe a shift in hormones, or a small disagreement between my IPs and I,I would start questioning myself. Am I strong enough to do this, to what cost emotionally would this birth cost me as a person? Then maybe in the second trimester, I would go back to feeling really proud as people were asking about my stomach and what the situation was. That has been the biggest, over riding emotion for me the 8 months- pride.
But every now and then I get worried again. Sometimes I can have a dream say, so realistic and she is there with the other children, or I dream about the delivery and it is a horrible experience with 'evil IPs'. The psyche is a powerful thing and mix that with hormones, it isn't easy to avoid dreams like that and they can last all day afterwards.
Now, I will NEVER ever think about keeping the child. It is NOT my child, I know that. I don't want another child, and especially this one. I am a TS, not a mother. But I still have these days where I wake up panicked, thinking what on earth have I done and what am I going to be like after. I have thought through every situation, played through every eventuality before I did this. I am an over thinker. This blog proves that. But thinking and planning is one thing. Reality is another! Until you are there, you can't say how you are going to be and I don't want to be left unhappy, empty and used up and on days like today that is my biggest fear. I know that by next week my feelings will have settled down again and I will go back to being excited and proud. It is the way that I as a TS have been and I am sure there are other surrogates out there that feel the same.
I met my Ips family last night, as one sister will be the guardian should the IPs die and it kicked up feelings for me that I wasn't so sure about. I made this baby for C and V, as a huge gift and I am proud of that and excited still. I have wanted to, not for money, because I believe that they will make fantastic parents, have so much love to give and they have waited so long for this. It was a calling out of love for them. But should they die, I didn't like the thought of handing the child over to these strangers in a delivery room, who aren't genetically related to her and who are almost 50 years of age and have grown up children. It didn't make sense to me that should the IPs die between now and the Parental order being granted I would have to, when I am the one that cares so much for her already with a biological link and a warm spot in my heart for her. Sure, I don't want another child but in that scenario? I find that really weird.
As a surrogate I can't voice that and if I do, I am wrong. I can't imagine looking at the child's face and saying that a piece of paper made me hand her over in a delivery room to people that weren't her parents, I didn't know them, they haven't been vetted and who probably wouldn't want to have to start over again anyway. What would she think in 18 years time about that. (apparently they would love another one- but I just felt like saying have one then, you don't need this one- hormones flying!)
Just to add too, if the child goes home with the IPs for a few months and becomes part of their family, and then they die, I wouldn't have problem with it- its exactly like what happens up and down the country sadly when children are orphaned and so not my place to intervene. What I am talking about is before the baby is born and in the very first few days/week. That just feels different to me.
Anyway, them dying in the next 3 or 4 months isn't going to happen. Its just part of the planning process that we had contracted earlier. The chances are it is hypothetical so therfore no need to get hung up over, right? And of course I will stick to the contract so my opinions are invalid and pointless anyhow. But the aftermath of that thinking is that of course, it kicked up some worry in me. Am i supposed to be feeling so protective and thoughtful about her? Technically, most surrogates and IPs would say no, it's not my place. Just baby make, collect cash and a little thanks and move on, to hell with her feelings, and what I am feeling. But I guess that I am just different to that and always have been.
Friday, 4 January 2013
33 week pump picture
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Can you see why they are predicting a 10lb/11lb baby at 40 weeks?! I haven't actually put much weight on the rest of me, it is mainly bump! (and my bum too of course) I am seriously struggling to breath already and it really hurts when she moves around.
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