Brain Rambles

By the early scan we are 12 weeks today but I prefer to go by LMP which will make the huge landmark happen tomorrow. And as the first trimester comes to an end, I beginning to feel a bit better. Quite a bit better actually and apart from the usual worries that it may mean something sinister, I am counting my blessings and looking forward to the second trimester with extra energy and renewed optimism that things won't always be this bad, that it hasn't been such a sacrifice. Because every single time I had to fob my children off doing something fun with them( or in actual fact sometimes just fulfilling basic care- bathing 3 children when extremely dizzy and sick in my throat is a no no), every time I cancelled on a friend, or snapped at/ignored/put second my husband and marriage because I felt so sick and exhausted, I felt more and more guilty and almost resentful.

This has a lot to do with me and my thought processes though. When i thought about being a surrogate, and gave years of researching and soul searching, the idea that I could be selfless was quite an easy one as I was only thinking about my time, giving birth and my genetics. All of which I gave thought to and knew I was capable. And likewise, you think about your family and children. How will they handle having a genetic relation out there somewhere, how will the accept that the baby won't be coming home and how can i help DH when we have to abstain. I thought those things through and many many more and the answers and reality are the same- i have a plan, the kids get it and S is on board.

BUT i didn't consider the little every day things. Not having morning sickness since my first born 14 years ago didn't help prepare me, as i had a bit of a 'i will be as lucky again' mindset. But I didn't prepare myself for being older, more responsibilities that I had in my last pregnancy, just an extra child makes a difference and how a tough pregnancy could affect my life so much. I am the family rock. I don't have family to rely on, DH works 60 hour shift work and so it is just me day in day out. If I am not on the ball, it feels like everything falls to pieces around me.

I know, it's only a matter of weeks, and the children are forgiving and will forget in the long run, but It bothers me that I couldn't put them first every single time like normal. It's our summer holidays and I have struggled most days to just get up and crack a smile let alone take them out or do fun summer things. I couldn't even speak to them nicely some days. Hormones or not, I feel like I was a terrible mother and wife, and this pregnancy has affected them in more ways I could foresee.

My Surro friend this week on her blog has been talking about a possible second journey whilst she is pregnant with her first surrobaby and it has got me thinking. Out loud.
This baby I am carrying is supposed to be the first of two for C and V. It has been planned and tentatively agreed upon, and also I have always said I have two or three pregnancies left in me, and I have some lovely IF friends who have asked me to carry for them in a few years time. But I am really not so sure anymore. In fact, I don't think I am selfless enough to do it again!

I will gladly hand over my genetic child. That I am capable of. I will gladly go through what ever prenatal and antenatal care/testing/procedures that are needed, and I will happily go through several days of labour or a major operation and even lose my fertility to give my Ips their cherished child. Hell, I will even lose 65 lbs to become more fertile, fit and ready for surrogacy in the first place. But to affect my family, my every day life? To take my children's mummy away from them for weeks at a time because she has her head down a toilet bowl or because she can't life her head off the couch without the room spinning? And all for someone else? I am not so sure.

Things can change, memories can fade. In 18 months time when C and V may want another baby, I will probably forget I felt like this, or be blind sighted by the awesome sight of baby with his parents but I think it's important to recognise how I feel today, and keep it noted for future reference.