February 6th

So this is a new blog, leaving my old one behind. I have it saved somewhere but after 18 months of ups an downs, tears and tantrums, i wanted a new one from the start of 2012. Because this is a new year, a new me and my final 12 months trying to become a surrogate and make someone's lives change for ever. Because the bug is still nipping at my toes and I can't forget my dream of achieving this yet.

So, so far this year, what I call the 'prep' work is going well. We are down 9 BMI points since the miscarriage, or 23 pounds and the weight is still coming off. I am still another 20 pounds away from my own goal weight, which would put me in a nice bracket and also available at most clinics should i choose to go down the IVF/Host Surrogacy route. So I 'should' be there by the end of April- only a few weeks off my due date for the surrogate baby that I lost.
 The miscarriage, it has been confirmed, was just one of those things and my health has always been excellent. I have a low blood pressure, normal deliveries and never any complications. This is just because I want to do it, and i want to give this my all. I want to be 100% ready. I am totally dedicated to this!
 Exercise is going well this time- this is the first time that I haven't just used calorie control and I am, get ready for this, enjoying it! Some the of the workouts i can now do double and my body is more toned for it.

As for any potential matches, there aren't any yet. For those of you in the know, I was talking to a couple over a year ago but due to the IM having similar health complaints that my own mother had I felt I couldn't continue. Sounds bad I know, they are local, fun, honest, and deserve a child so so badly but I ended up living in care for a while because of my mums disablilty amongst other things and up until recently, felt it had ruined my first half of my life.I was a young carer, with a lot of responsibilty on my shoulders and didn't lead a 'normal' life in my teens. However, I had a rethink about it all, mainly down to the hours my mum and I spent going through the photo albums she had stored. She gets easily confused but when looking through the photos, he eyes lit up and it was like a part of her old self back as we looked at them fondly, and I realised there and then that regardless of how hard my life was, I was grateful for it all, it had made me the person i was and i knew the joy that my existence had bought to her.

So fast forward a few months and the IF emailed me about some charity work he is involved in (more about that later) and we are back in contact. I have explained to them, as I did back then the reasons why things went as they did and we have all really been honest with each other and we have all moved on and we can call them our friends. We have met up as they are local to me and there are a few talks about matching in the future. The only spanner in the works, from my very selfish point of view is that they went back to pursing adoption and have been accepted to adopt a child. It was a strange situation really, as i had no right to waltz back in and disrupt their lives and goals and yet i wanted them to have the chance of being parents so badly as i adore them! So i have just sat back and offered our support, asking relevant questions and really hoped that they will find the child they are meant to have.

Anyway, if, which is a huge if, we matched it wouldn't be until the end of the summer which gives me plenty of time to lose more weight, get fit, build a great match and it would be a year after the loss,infection and D and C I had. So all great timing. They have also said that I could carry on looking for another match in the mean time as they obviously have other things to concentrate on so i have a few other things up my sleeve!

 I do have a discharge letter from the hospital, a new letter from my GP agreeing that I am of suitable health and mind to continue and I am in the process of filling out another form for another agency. I have been thinking of doing this for a long time as a fresh start would be good and also this other agency like to put the emphasis on friendship first when matching and that is what has bothered me the most about my current/old one. I am also hoping that word of mouth may help as the surrogate world is a small one and sometimes matches grow organically.

So, that is it for now. I am not in any rush to make surrogacy my whole life again as it has been in the past and I am just keeping my head down and working towards my goals whilst enjoying my gorgeous family and living life. Who knows what I will find along the way, so watch this space!