There will be a new blog soon, for my next journey!
I am still losing weight and the agreement is almost finished. My Insurance is set up and S and I are still doing really really well. We have the odd tiff about silly things, like any couple, but the huge fundamentals are dealt with and I don't know the last time in 10 years, where our relationship has been so good.
The children are all doing really well, we saw Baby E yesterday as FIM brought her round for a cup of tea and they all got cuddles and pictures. Once they had gone, life just snapped back in to place again and shows how well they have all adjusted.
The doctor has given me the ok to start TTC now, my cycles are back to 27 days as per usual and I am back to charting in readiness.
I am still getting on really well with PIP N and her husband and we have met up a few more times since and the match is strengthening over the time. I do feel that there is just a bit of waiting and standstill going on as we won't start till June or July but that is just the impatient person in me!
So my life is pretty great right now. I have a friend back in my life that I need and have missed, and now try to surround myself with great, supportive people and a supportive family too!
New blog link coming.....
Friday, 26 April 2013
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Update
Ok,so about 10 months ago, I 'met' a lady who had joined several of the FB surrogacy groups and wa just learning all about this crazy world. She still had two more rounds of IvF using her own eggs to undertake, but after 5 previous cycles, and two clinics, it wasn't looking good.
We always got on well on the boards, we shared the same sense of humour and for the next 4 months and two failed transers including a miscarriage, we continued to email each other every now and then.
Likewise, she was there for me during the last few weeks of the pregnancy as a friend and even when I was adamant, I mean telling every body and any body, that I wasn't ever going again, she was still just a great friend. I promised her back last summer, due to just how lovely I found her, that I would help her match if she needed a surrogate and even promised to wear a sandwich board to try and find her perfect match.
Well,soon as I was home from having Evie, I knew i would do it again, I literally couldn't wait to experience that awesome feeling of helping someone again. I spoke to the children only 3 weeks post natal, and they all jumped at the chance to do it again, and whilst my husband and I still working through our residual issues, was just as blown away with the experience and he too would like to do it again, this time, as he said, properly and with his full support.
Little did I know that this lady (is another N) was secretly watching my vlogs, and learning everything she needed to know about the process, the laws, whilst taking an interest in my life too via emails 5 or 6 times a day. So imagine her surprise when I told her we would all love to do another journey, and specifically, her.
We have met up, 3 times now, with the kids and without, they stayed at a near by hotel and we made a weekend of it one time and we are certain that we want to help.
This is the first potential match, that I have seen my husband actually laughing and joking with them, they are just like us. They don't have pots of money, and are generally down to earth people, with normal jobs and normal lives. He genuinely enjoys their company and he is just as emotionally invested in helping them as I am. It's already making a huge difference in how things are playing out and the support he is giving me.
Anyway, I have the doctors this week to be signed off medically ok to carry again, our agreement is almost complete, and we re just doing blood tests.
With the way that it will all work out, is that we will be TTc June or July time again, which will leave us plenty of time to have our family time, my body to recover and carrying on getting to know one another properly.
I know people will ask what's the rush, but before N and I seriously talked about matching, I knew that if something were to happen, it would need to be sooner rather than later as I'm not getting any younger, my college courses and work experience needs to tie in and it leaves the option of doing a sibling for c and n the following year. I want to hang up the old uterus by 35 and be able to start my new career at the same time.
I am a huge believer this time around in not making things fit, like I did last match, not pushing and doing lots of encouragement. It has to all fit in and slot in organically for myself and my family and so far, it's all going extremely well and easy. More to come soon.......l
We always got on well on the boards, we shared the same sense of humour and for the next 4 months and two failed transers including a miscarriage, we continued to email each other every now and then.
Likewise, she was there for me during the last few weeks of the pregnancy as a friend and even when I was adamant, I mean telling every body and any body, that I wasn't ever going again, she was still just a great friend. I promised her back last summer, due to just how lovely I found her, that I would help her match if she needed a surrogate and even promised to wear a sandwich board to try and find her perfect match.
Well,soon as I was home from having Evie, I knew i would do it again, I literally couldn't wait to experience that awesome feeling of helping someone again. I spoke to the children only 3 weeks post natal, and they all jumped at the chance to do it again, and whilst my husband and I still working through our residual issues, was just as blown away with the experience and he too would like to do it again, this time, as he said, properly and with his full support.
Little did I know that this lady (is another N) was secretly watching my vlogs, and learning everything she needed to know about the process, the laws, whilst taking an interest in my life too via emails 5 or 6 times a day. So imagine her surprise when I told her we would all love to do another journey, and specifically, her.
We have met up, 3 times now, with the kids and without, they stayed at a near by hotel and we made a weekend of it one time and we are certain that we want to help.
This is the first potential match, that I have seen my husband actually laughing and joking with them, they are just like us. They don't have pots of money, and are generally down to earth people, with normal jobs and normal lives. He genuinely enjoys their company and he is just as emotionally invested in helping them as I am. It's already making a huge difference in how things are playing out and the support he is giving me.
Anyway, I have the doctors this week to be signed off medically ok to carry again, our agreement is almost complete, and we re just doing blood tests.
With the way that it will all work out, is that we will be TTc June or July time again, which will leave us plenty of time to have our family time, my body to recover and carrying on getting to know one another properly.
I know people will ask what's the rush, but before N and I seriously talked about matching, I knew that if something were to happen, it would need to be sooner rather than later as I'm not getting any younger, my college courses and work experience needs to tie in and it leaves the option of doing a sibling for c and n the following year. I want to hang up the old uterus by 35 and be able to start my new career at the same time.
I am a huge believer this time around in not making things fit, like I did last match, not pushing and doing lots of encouragement. It has to all fit in and slot in organically for myself and my family and so far, it's all going extremely well and easy. More to come soon.......l
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Going again?
C and N aren't ready to go again yet, if they do at all. They say they will want to start next summer, so 16 months time but I can't help feel that they are finding it quite hard anyhow. But regardless of speculation, I have a definite time frame to maybe help someone else. And I may already know that person and we may be chatting already.
So watch this space.....
So watch this space.....
Friday, 22 February 2013
Visit with baby E!
Today was important to me for me for a few reasons. After last week, it was always going to end up a huge deal. This time S couldn't come with me, I was going it alone and I really wanted to see how I would be.
After a few butterflies, I went and I can say that it was thoroughly enjoyable. I was the only visitor and my IPS seemed relaxed and their normal friendly selves. I saw Evie in N's arms to begin with and just felt excited to be able to spend time with all 3.
We spent time talking through the labour and birth, the funny bits, the not so funny bits. I gave them their gifts, including the album I made for her in years to come and they showed me all her gifts they had received from friends and family. They also Gave me the locket they bought and had engraved with her name on the back. i will put a photo of her In there as soon as i get one that fits. And then I had a 45 minute hold of her, just taking time to absorb her, stare at her, wind her, kiss her head and rock her. I tried so hard to see any resemblance of my family but still nothing. She is definitely a mini C. And I felt nothing maternal for her. Much like a niece I guess. I enjoyed my cuddles, because I cared about her, and because babies are babies. But that is all.
I walked out of there, probably feeling less fearful, happier and content than any other time. She seems to fit in with N as her mummy as if it had been her who had carried her and i wasn't involved at all and it made me feel so happy and at peace. I don't have urge to see her again in a hurry although I do miss C and N already. That part is harder. But as one surrogate friend of mine said, I have passed the torch on to them now, it's their turn to carry it and I have to find another light in my life now. Whatever that is, I don't know yet.
I want to carry again, more than anything and we have all agreed a sibling journey next year. But in the mean time, I am just enjoying my new lease of marriage and my children and then who knows! Traditional surrogacy can be an amazing thing, a beautiful thing and not the seedy, unscrupulous, and emotionally uncomfortable thing that it seems to be to some people. It isn't for everyone but in this case and a lot of other cases, it's been a wonderful blessing to be a part of!!
After a few butterflies, I went and I can say that it was thoroughly enjoyable. I was the only visitor and my IPS seemed relaxed and their normal friendly selves. I saw Evie in N's arms to begin with and just felt excited to be able to spend time with all 3.
We spent time talking through the labour and birth, the funny bits, the not so funny bits. I gave them their gifts, including the album I made for her in years to come and they showed me all her gifts they had received from friends and family. They also Gave me the locket they bought and had engraved with her name on the back. i will put a photo of her In there as soon as i get one that fits. And then I had a 45 minute hold of her, just taking time to absorb her, stare at her, wind her, kiss her head and rock her. I tried so hard to see any resemblance of my family but still nothing. She is definitely a mini C. And I felt nothing maternal for her. Much like a niece I guess. I enjoyed my cuddles, because I cared about her, and because babies are babies. But that is all.
I walked out of there, probably feeling less fearful, happier and content than any other time. She seems to fit in with N as her mummy as if it had been her who had carried her and i wasn't involved at all and it made me feel so happy and at peace. I don't have urge to see her again in a hurry although I do miss C and N already. That part is harder. But as one surrogate friend of mine said, I have passed the torch on to them now, it's their turn to carry it and I have to find another light in my life now. Whatever that is, I don't know yet.
I want to carry again, more than anything and we have all agreed a sibling journey next year. But in the mean time, I am just enjoying my new lease of marriage and my children and then who knows! Traditional surrogacy can be an amazing thing, a beautiful thing and not the seedy, unscrupulous, and emotionally uncomfortable thing that it seems to be to some people. It isn't for everyone but in this case and a lot of other cases, it's been a wonderful blessing to be a part of!!
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Update part two
Ok, so day 4, Friday was a complete right off. I admit I had a couple of glasses of wine and went to bed very early. Luckily the next day, in act the next two days, I was back on an even keel, still no regrets and not one tear. It was the last few days before everyone went back to work and school apart from my eldest daughter so we made the time to just enjoy ourselves, and running a few errands. I had plans to do a lot of spring cleaning the following week so rested up as long as I could bear to. Although I did let my son have a friend around for dinner and play so that felt good to be able to do that again for them!
Monday came, so almost day 7 and I generally felt ok. The midwife came and discharged me from their books as everything is as it should be, BP great, bleeding light, womb going back as it should. We had a lovely chat and looked at photos of the happy family and generally talked about the whole experience. It wasn't until after she left and the house was empty that I certainly began to feel a bit lost. Still no regrets, but definitely a few tears. A few crying moments at the fact that it was all over, I had to find something else to do now to fill the huge gap where surrogacy has been for almost 3 years.
I had plans to look for a new job, enrol on the college course, start dieting, clean the house but it all seemed s bit trivial for want of a better word in comparison. Here I was having done this huge thing and now what? I did most of my crying away from anyone and managed to keep things bright and breezy at the school gates. I have to admit I was worried about people asking me if I was alright with pained looks on their faces but it wasn't like that. Luckily most of my friends at a school are on my Facebook so had all seen the pictures and just congratulated me. As for my friend who was pregnant at the same time, she hasn't been to the school yet as she had a tough time of it all so that was a small blessing too. Oh btw, she also had a little girl, all is well now, and my daughter L seems to be adjusting to it all fine. Phew!!!
Tuesday followed pretty much the same way to be honest although less tears. If I did any crying, I literally couldn't tell you why. Once of those silly moments but as soon as they came, they went again. I did get upset when 2 people commented that "it mustn't be too long left to go" and "had i had it yet" I had to explain that I had already had her a week ago, and it was mortification on both sides. I guess my stomach is still newly non pregnant and when you don't have an actual baby with you, it's an assumption. Or maybe i ate too many cream eggs last week. I have asked friends and if I look 9 months pregnant still, but apparently I don't. I have a picture of today that I am using as comparison for later, and It doesn't look as bad I thought. In the end, I am just going to use it as motivation for dieting and stick at it just like last time.
Which brings me today. Today I feel a lot more motivated and life is just plodding on. I haven't been upset, I have managed to do some spring cleaning, and my photos arrived in the post so I will make Evie's photo album for her this afternoon. I hope to be seeing them in the next few days but as my milk is still threatening, I may leave it a few more days!
Monday came, so almost day 7 and I generally felt ok. The midwife came and discharged me from their books as everything is as it should be, BP great, bleeding light, womb going back as it should. We had a lovely chat and looked at photos of the happy family and generally talked about the whole experience. It wasn't until after she left and the house was empty that I certainly began to feel a bit lost. Still no regrets, but definitely a few tears. A few crying moments at the fact that it was all over, I had to find something else to do now to fill the huge gap where surrogacy has been for almost 3 years.
I had plans to look for a new job, enrol on the college course, start dieting, clean the house but it all seemed s bit trivial for want of a better word in comparison. Here I was having done this huge thing and now what? I did most of my crying away from anyone and managed to keep things bright and breezy at the school gates. I have to admit I was worried about people asking me if I was alright with pained looks on their faces but it wasn't like that. Luckily most of my friends at a school are on my Facebook so had all seen the pictures and just congratulated me. As for my friend who was pregnant at the same time, she hasn't been to the school yet as she had a tough time of it all so that was a small blessing too. Oh btw, she also had a little girl, all is well now, and my daughter L seems to be adjusting to it all fine. Phew!!!
Tuesday followed pretty much the same way to be honest although less tears. If I did any crying, I literally couldn't tell you why. Once of those silly moments but as soon as they came, they went again. I did get upset when 2 people commented that "it mustn't be too long left to go" and "had i had it yet" I had to explain that I had already had her a week ago, and it was mortification on both sides. I guess my stomach is still newly non pregnant and when you don't have an actual baby with you, it's an assumption. Or maybe i ate too many cream eggs last week. I have asked friends and if I look 9 months pregnant still, but apparently I don't. I have a picture of today that I am using as comparison for later, and It doesn't look as bad I thought. In the end, I am just going to use it as motivation for dieting and stick at it just like last time.
Which brings me today. Today I feel a lot more motivated and life is just plodding on. I haven't been upset, I have managed to do some spring cleaning, and my photos arrived in the post so I will make Evie's photo album for her this afternoon. I hope to be seeing them in the next few days but as my milk is still threatening, I may leave it a few more days!
Monday, 18 February 2013
Update
Well, I had every intention of writing a little daily blurb about how i was doing but the 3 little kids were off school this week so it's been crazy. Nothing like being thrown in the deep end to get back in the swing of it all!
Ok, so let's try to break this down. It may be another long one.
Tuesday morning we came back at 6.30 am, my eldest daughter was getting ready for school and we literally just hugged her, said good night and hit the pillow. I only slept for 2 hours and was up again at 8.30. No reason apart from I was literally buzzing!! I couldn't sleep, it was just too amazing and beautiful to be wasted and I pottered around marveling at what we had just done. Cheesy huh! I went back to bed while S slept and looked on my Fb where I had so many lovely comments and emails, and I carried on smiling. Oh and I both got up around 11.30 and he was still so happy. We found the last meal that N had cooked for us, a lovely curry and we sat eating that while watching our favourite shows and every now and then just going over what we had been through whilst crying, happy tears.
Every now and then we would just sigh and smile. I then had a lovely hot bath and my In laws bought back the 3 youngest children and we all had cuddles. I have to admit that we should have had a little more sleep because those last few hours of the children being hyper and bedtime being a while yet, were hard, but lovely too!
The next day, Wednesday was more of the same. I was completely on a high. S was fantastic, doing all housework, childcare etc. It was so nice to see the children and not be in as much pain, although my SPD still hasn't gone completely. S took the two little girls out to the supermarket and bought all of my favourite naughty foods, chocolate, soft cheeses and wine that I had missed and gave me time to sleep some more. The after pains were quite bad by this point but bleeding was light. I received several beautiful flower bouquets from my family and then a card came in the post from C's mum. The words are so beautiful and it did send me off a little as it meant so much hearing them from someone I haven't met. Then C sent me a couple of pictures via text and I had my first moment of hormones but still not sadness or regrets. Just a little over whelmed and it was soon over. Soon back to being extremely happy and walking on air. Well, may be with some sadness it was all over too!
Thursday was again another day of feeling the buzz. Genuinely felt the love for everything and everyone. In hindsight it was a mixture of the events and hormones- happy hormones but ones I can certainly live with! The children being off school meant it was a bit too much by the afternoon as we were quite tired and they were noisy obviously. I did take them out the village green on their roller skates for an hour while Scott popped out and I enjoyed being out and about with them! And I kept chuckling to myself - there I was walking around with them and not many people would know I had just given birth. Definitely a strange feeling! S was still so helpful and wonderful and we were just enjoying being in each others company, which was great after the last few months!!
Friday was when we had booked an appointment to register Evie and to coincide with the visit, my were to take the 3 little ones to meet her at my IPs house. I did wake up at 6am with butterflies in my stomach at what was to come but emotionally I was fine and life was just becoming normal. The girls had bought Evie a present and it was nice to be able to take her something form them.
It wasn't until we pulled in to the drive that I saw other cars, and my heart dropped. I really didn't fancy seeing anyone right then- C had mentioned that N's siter wanted to come over but he had said no, it was our time and not to worry. The visit and seeing the baby and introducing the children to her, was enough to contend with so soon after the birth and even S offered to turn back round. But we went ahead any way, hoped it was just a visiting midwife and as soon as we knocked, C opened the door and hugged us.
We started taking our shoes off and N appeared holding the baby, with her sister right beside her. She didn't even say hello but made her excuses to go straight past us, upstairs and change her and her sister came over and hugged us and kept on thanking us for what we have done. We will still in the door way at this point and I could see a whole room of kids and N's brother in law and i began to feel a bit panicky. As I caught a quick glimpse of baby's head, they both went upstairs and I heard Evie cry and it was just too much. I just started bawling. I couldn't catch my breath and needed to get out of the eye line of everyone, as they were staring and I just told S that I needed to go, right then. Evie's cry's continued and I really tried to hold it together as my children were wondering what on earth was going on so C took me out to the garden at the back, and there is where I stayed for the whole 20 minute visit.
S kept coming out and seeing what I wanted to do, as did C and all I wanted was to go but I also wanted the children to meet Evie, so S and C went in and supervised and took photos and I just kept crying and crying. My make up was everywhere and I felt utterly miserable and mortified. I could see N's family peering out the window gawping at the crying lady and I took a walk around the gardens playing with the dog in between sobs. Talk about a pathetic sight. What didn't help was that N's sister also kept coming out (apparently S tried to stop her as I found out after but she didn't listen) and telling me I would be alright and it was just a hormone dump. Erm, if you haven't been through it, don't try to tell me what it is please. I actually became quite angry at that really!
Anyway it was decided that just S and I would go and register the birth by ourselves and off we went, with tears still rolling down my face.
Well, the actual act of registering a birth, that isn't yours and yet you have to say it is, making sure the spelling was correct, whilst still bursting into tears was hard. If anyone else is reading this, don't do that on day 3/4. It is a bad idea!!
Needless to say S was great again, got us lunch out and we went to a new park with the children and it blew the cobwebs away!
S and C then got into texting about what had happened and C and N both apologised- they know now they shouldn't have had family there, they know that I didn't really want to go then but it was only because of the registration appointment and the visit was meant to be for us and the children. Had the extended family not been there, it would have been hard still of course but not ending quite like it did. In hindsight we should have waited to register the birth till next week too whilst hormones are less. Lesson learnt on all fronts.
To be continued....
Ok, so let's try to break this down. It may be another long one.
Tuesday morning we came back at 6.30 am, my eldest daughter was getting ready for school and we literally just hugged her, said good night and hit the pillow. I only slept for 2 hours and was up again at 8.30. No reason apart from I was literally buzzing!! I couldn't sleep, it was just too amazing and beautiful to be wasted and I pottered around marveling at what we had just done. Cheesy huh! I went back to bed while S slept and looked on my Fb where I had so many lovely comments and emails, and I carried on smiling. Oh and I both got up around 11.30 and he was still so happy. We found the last meal that N had cooked for us, a lovely curry and we sat eating that while watching our favourite shows and every now and then just going over what we had been through whilst crying, happy tears.
Every now and then we would just sigh and smile. I then had a lovely hot bath and my In laws bought back the 3 youngest children and we all had cuddles. I have to admit that we should have had a little more sleep because those last few hours of the children being hyper and bedtime being a while yet, were hard, but lovely too!
The next day, Wednesday was more of the same. I was completely on a high. S was fantastic, doing all housework, childcare etc. It was so nice to see the children and not be in as much pain, although my SPD still hasn't gone completely. S took the two little girls out to the supermarket and bought all of my favourite naughty foods, chocolate, soft cheeses and wine that I had missed and gave me time to sleep some more. The after pains were quite bad by this point but bleeding was light. I received several beautiful flower bouquets from my family and then a card came in the post from C's mum. The words are so beautiful and it did send me off a little as it meant so much hearing them from someone I haven't met. Then C sent me a couple of pictures via text and I had my first moment of hormones but still not sadness or regrets. Just a little over whelmed and it was soon over. Soon back to being extremely happy and walking on air. Well, may be with some sadness it was all over too!
Thursday was again another day of feeling the buzz. Genuinely felt the love for everything and everyone. In hindsight it was a mixture of the events and hormones- happy hormones but ones I can certainly live with! The children being off school meant it was a bit too much by the afternoon as we were quite tired and they were noisy obviously. I did take them out the village green on their roller skates for an hour while Scott popped out and I enjoyed being out and about with them! And I kept chuckling to myself - there I was walking around with them and not many people would know I had just given birth. Definitely a strange feeling! S was still so helpful and wonderful and we were just enjoying being in each others company, which was great after the last few months!!
Friday was when we had booked an appointment to register Evie and to coincide with the visit, my were to take the 3 little ones to meet her at my IPs house. I did wake up at 6am with butterflies in my stomach at what was to come but emotionally I was fine and life was just becoming normal. The girls had bought Evie a present and it was nice to be able to take her something form them.
It wasn't until we pulled in to the drive that I saw other cars, and my heart dropped. I really didn't fancy seeing anyone right then- C had mentioned that N's siter wanted to come over but he had said no, it was our time and not to worry. The visit and seeing the baby and introducing the children to her, was enough to contend with so soon after the birth and even S offered to turn back round. But we went ahead any way, hoped it was just a visiting midwife and as soon as we knocked, C opened the door and hugged us.
We started taking our shoes off and N appeared holding the baby, with her sister right beside her. She didn't even say hello but made her excuses to go straight past us, upstairs and change her and her sister came over and hugged us and kept on thanking us for what we have done. We will still in the door way at this point and I could see a whole room of kids and N's brother in law and i began to feel a bit panicky. As I caught a quick glimpse of baby's head, they both went upstairs and I heard Evie cry and it was just too much. I just started bawling. I couldn't catch my breath and needed to get out of the eye line of everyone, as they were staring and I just told S that I needed to go, right then. Evie's cry's continued and I really tried to hold it together as my children were wondering what on earth was going on so C took me out to the garden at the back, and there is where I stayed for the whole 20 minute visit.
S kept coming out and seeing what I wanted to do, as did C and all I wanted was to go but I also wanted the children to meet Evie, so S and C went in and supervised and took photos and I just kept crying and crying. My make up was everywhere and I felt utterly miserable and mortified. I could see N's family peering out the window gawping at the crying lady and I took a walk around the gardens playing with the dog in between sobs. Talk about a pathetic sight. What didn't help was that N's sister also kept coming out (apparently S tried to stop her as I found out after but she didn't listen) and telling me I would be alright and it was just a hormone dump. Erm, if you haven't been through it, don't try to tell me what it is please. I actually became quite angry at that really!
Anyway it was decided that just S and I would go and register the birth by ourselves and off we went, with tears still rolling down my face.
Well, the actual act of registering a birth, that isn't yours and yet you have to say it is, making sure the spelling was correct, whilst still bursting into tears was hard. If anyone else is reading this, don't do that on day 3/4. It is a bad idea!!
Needless to say S was great again, got us lunch out and we went to a new park with the children and it blew the cobwebs away!
S and C then got into texting about what had happened and C and N both apologised- they know now they shouldn't have had family there, they know that I didn't really want to go then but it was only because of the registration appointment and the visit was meant to be for us and the children. Had the extended family not been there, it would have been hard still of course but not ending quite like it did. In hindsight we should have waited to register the birth till next week too whilst hormones are less. Lesson learnt on all fronts.
To be continued....
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Birth story with pictures. Warning, it's long!!
Ok, so the Monday came and I had to call the Delivery Unit to see if they had space for us at 8am. Luckily they did and S and went in at 9.30am. We were met by a lovely young midwife Charlotte who was friendly and very pro surrogacy. Nothing much happened, apart from the usual monitoring as is the usual for inductions until 10.30 when she assessed me and and found me to be 2 cms, with a medium to long cervix but soft, so a 4 on the Bishops score. Great news bearing in mind I was 38 plus 3 at this point. The CXs and Evening Primrose Oil had done something. So i was given some Gel, monitored for 30 minutes and and then told to spend the next 6 hours doing what we wanted.
At first I had some mild CXs and we went for a walk around the hospital together. They didn't pick up as a result and I was already feeling tired- severe lack of sleep for the past 2 months will do that to you, so I knew I should have a lay down and shut my eyes. S had to nip back home as I had forgotten to pack my gift for IM so I managed a good hour and then we just chilled out together- I was actually quite fun away from the children!
My IF who was working that morning, kept popping in to see us and a lot of the staff came and said hi and to talk about the Surrogacy.
After a while the CXs seemed to get a bit stronger and I went for a warm shower as a lot of the pain was in my back. Needless to say I chose the wrong shower room as this was just a bath with a shower attachment and I couldn't get the water on my back sufficiently without spraying the water everywhere. It was then that I got my self out, and had to mop the floor, that I felt a significant change and they began to take my breath away. I knew that housework and chores would do
Once changed, I really began walking around and bouncing on a labour ball to strengthen them and they checked my progress at 5pm. The CXs were very obvious on the monitor, coming every 2-3 minutes and lasting around 40 seconds and combined with me being now 3 cms and thinning out, we were making progress. We all decided not to bother with any more gel as my body was apparently doing what it should and I asked S to call my IPs at 6pm as it was becoming harder to talk through them. I wanted to have some time with them which we did!
I told her that I didn't think the CXs were lasting long enough and I was getting tired. She spent time watching me and she said we would check at 11.30pm to see what was happening. In the end I got a little stroppy as it just didn't make sense to me that we were waiting so long to check and the contractions were still no longer than 55 seconds. I have been there before and knew my body, so she checked around 10.30 as a compromise. And that is when we found out that I was exactly the same. In 4 hours I hadn't changed at all, not even effacement. I knew it all along and that is when they agreed to break my waters- I knew that it would what I needed to progress. S was my perfect birthing companion as he was with our children and he helped me keep it together in the moments of doubt, rubbing my back and applying hot wheat packs to help with the back labour.
However before they bleeped the consultant to come and do the ARM as baby was so high still, I talked with my IF and we decided that I would ask for an Epidural. I haven't had one before but this wasn't my baby and i didn't need the sense of 'achievement' going naturally. I already had that, just by doing what I was doing after all. I had gone through enough pain for other people and i quite fancied a pain free labour. By this point it was obvious that our plan to leave the hospital the same night was out of the window as time was not on our side, so why not!
The Doctor came, a junior colleague of my IF and it all fell in to place quickly. But I should have known that it wasn't meant to be however and after 20 minutes and 7 attempts at him stabbing my spine we gave up. I haven't ever been in such pain as when he kept trying. It was all the way up my spine, to the left of the spine, to the right with every time he prodded me and i remember crying out a lot as he missed his target. He just didn't seem to care and seemed flustered with the situation, may be because the stakes were higher than a normal case as he knew my IF was watching? I don't know, but my bruise on my back now ( i have seen pictures) is huge and you can actually see each individual stab mark. I couldn't stop crying at this point what with the CXs still on top of each other and in the end I just said for them to get the ARm over with or without pain relief. I of course used Gas and Air and that as usual helped me cope.
So 11.30pm, 13 hours after Induction started, my waters were broken. At this point I was still a 3 cms, baby was high and 50% effaced so everyone assumed it would be a while and again, my contractions were still short and frequent. It was at 12 am, that the contractions became longer and more spaced out and exactly what I knew I needed and I said that bearing in mind how I was feeling right then, the baby would be here in an hour and half. I think by this point Abby was beginning to believe me when I said I knew my own body and S sure knows this by now so there seemed to be a change in the atmosphere of the room. Things became intense and the pain was overwhelming. It was this point that they discovered the baby had shifted and confirmed she was back to back- the pain was all down my legs and lower back.
Sure enough by around 1am, my pain had changed, the familiar pins and needles had arrived in my legs and I asked my IM to go and get the MW. I remember hearing her say that I felt things felt different and she was there by my side within minutes. I pulled it together to explain that I was close and Abby seemed to take me seriously. She asked if she could check me and they found out i was still a stretchy 7cm.
Instead of feeling crushed, or put off, I knew how I felt right then- that my body was just on the verge of pushing automatically as per usual. And sure enough a started bearing down with little groans.
Things got a bit hellish then because I knew I had to stop the pushing but couldn't, I was scared what would happen to me as a consequence. Abby and another MW were telling me to breath through it and Scott was holding me trying to coach me to stop it. But my body just does it and the pain is immense if I try to fight it. The room began to spin violently as I was breathing gas and air continuously, just desperate to hold on another 10 minutes or so but it wasn't meant to be.
Within 4 deep pushes I remember hearing a baby cry and lots of adult voices becoming excited and tearful. I didn't feel the same usuall relief I get when a baby leaves my body and the pain felt like I had torn. And badly.
Anyway, from what I can remember (as the room still was spinning and I think I was in shock) I looked at the clock, noted its time and high fived S! IM took baby as soon as MW cut the cord and they quickly went into their own room over the corridor for much needed bonding time and for me to deliver the placenta and check for tearing. She was given 10/10 Apgar score and seemed perfect although she is the smallest baby I have had at only 7lbs. I think it was due to this, that I hadn't actually torn and just had a graze. Everyone in the room was saying they couldn't believe how well I knew my body- that was a little victory for me!
I heard her cry and all I can describe it as, not sounding like my baby. She sounded different to my babies, immediately. It didn't call to me in my heart or feel a maternal link. Very very surreal indeed. I lay there with a smile on my face, dealing with the after pains. I had two MWs attend the delivery of placenta as being number 5 baby, there is increased risk of bleeding out but that went well too. S went back and forth, taking photos and coming back to update me and within an hour I was ready for a lavendar bath and change of clothes.
It was this time that I knew me now having an epidural was the best thing, i was up and walking around. S helped me no end in the bath, and cleaned me up and the mess I left behind.
I went to their room and sat with the new parents and baby and IF, IM and I all sat and talked, staring at her whilst S slept in our room. We had all been running on adrenaline, he had been running on duty and he needed to sleep.
I admit I was worried about seeing her but I needn't have worried, I felt nothing and was just tired and grateful it was over. She didn't look like my babies, and she looked so content and loved in her mummy's arms. I held her for a while and it felt strange, like holding a friends baby and I even started to panic when she started to whimper. Just as I had hoped for and worked so hard for the last 9 months.
It as then we swapped gifts, my necklace for my IM and coincidentally, they had bought e a beautiful necklace and locket with a diamond on it, for a picture of Evie ad they are going to have it engraved on the back. It certainly is beautiful ad so thoughtful.
By this point, it was 4.00 am, so close to dawn, we decided that it would be best if we let S sleep a bit more and he could drive me home as soon as possible. So at 4 hours old, baby had her Pediatric check, declared perfect and we were discharged at 5.30. I will never forget us all laughing and smiling in the hallway and then getting to the hospital corridor. My Ips had parked at the back and we had parked at the front and so it meant us saying our goodbyes and parting ways there and then. We all hugged and I cried, sad it was all over and sad we were saying goodbye. I tried to hold it together and Scott and I walked off in one direction with just a bag and they in another with the baby. And yet again, I didn't feel an attachment or longing, after 24 hours of being awake, I just wanted to go home and see my own family and sleep in my own bed.
To be continued....
At first I had some mild CXs and we went for a walk around the hospital together. They didn't pick up as a result and I was already feeling tired- severe lack of sleep for the past 2 months will do that to you, so I knew I should have a lay down and shut my eyes. S had to nip back home as I had forgotten to pack my gift for IM so I managed a good hour and then we just chilled out together- I was actually quite fun away from the children!
My IF who was working that morning, kept popping in to see us and a lot of the staff came and said hi and to talk about the Surrogacy.
After a while the CXs seemed to get a bit stronger and I went for a warm shower as a lot of the pain was in my back. Needless to say I chose the wrong shower room as this was just a bath with a shower attachment and I couldn't get the water on my back sufficiently without spraying the water everywhere. It was then that I got my self out, and had to mop the floor, that I felt a significant change and they began to take my breath away. I knew that housework and chores would do
Once changed, I really began walking around and bouncing on a labour ball to strengthen them and they checked my progress at 5pm. The CXs were very obvious on the monitor, coming every 2-3 minutes and lasting around 40 seconds and combined with me being now 3 cms and thinning out, we were making progress. We all decided not to bother with any more gel as my body was apparently doing what it should and I asked S to call my IPs at 6pm as it was becoming harder to talk through them. I wanted to have some time with them which we did!
We all spent time chatting and laughing although the CXs were so frequent it was hard finishing a conversation. IM bought us soups and baked goodies which was a lovely touch!
By around 8pm i was anxious to see when they were going to break my waters and head around to the delivery suite but Charlotte and the Consultant agreed that it wasn't time yet. I thought I knew better and tried to explain that the CXs just weren't long enough to be doing anything and my initial Induction of labour plan was that ARM would happen as soon as possible after gel. I have to admit that the pain was getting to me a little too but I felt frustrated no one was particuarly listening to me after birthing 4 times before and it meant more time waiting around.
9.00pm came and I needed pain relief- I hadn't had anything at all by this point and so midwives, doctors and a lovely assistant escorted the 4 of us over. It really was such a relaxed and exciting time and everyone seemed to want to be a part of it all!
We headed to the same room that I had coincidentally had one of my daughters in 5 years ago and we all met the new team of midwives. it was then that we met Abby, another young midwife who was from Malta. I felt a little put out that we were given a young midwife again- i tend to prefer an older person who has seen it all before but within minutes she was putting me at ease and we are all laughing and joking. My Ips seemed even more nervous by this point but S kept them calm whilst making sure I was ok and they weren't annoying me!I told her that I didn't think the CXs were lasting long enough and I was getting tired. She spent time watching me and she said we would check at 11.30pm to see what was happening. In the end I got a little stroppy as it just didn't make sense to me that we were waiting so long to check and the contractions were still no longer than 55 seconds. I have been there before and knew my body, so she checked around 10.30 as a compromise. And that is when we found out that I was exactly the same. In 4 hours I hadn't changed at all, not even effacement. I knew it all along and that is when they agreed to break my waters- I knew that it would what I needed to progress. S was my perfect birthing companion as he was with our children and he helped me keep it together in the moments of doubt, rubbing my back and applying hot wheat packs to help with the back labour.
However before they bleeped the consultant to come and do the ARM as baby was so high still, I talked with my IF and we decided that I would ask for an Epidural. I haven't had one before but this wasn't my baby and i didn't need the sense of 'achievement' going naturally. I already had that, just by doing what I was doing after all. I had gone through enough pain for other people and i quite fancied a pain free labour. By this point it was obvious that our plan to leave the hospital the same night was out of the window as time was not on our side, so why not!
The Doctor came, a junior colleague of my IF and it all fell in to place quickly. But I should have known that it wasn't meant to be however and after 20 minutes and 7 attempts at him stabbing my spine we gave up. I haven't ever been in such pain as when he kept trying. It was all the way up my spine, to the left of the spine, to the right with every time he prodded me and i remember crying out a lot as he missed his target. He just didn't seem to care and seemed flustered with the situation, may be because the stakes were higher than a normal case as he knew my IF was watching? I don't know, but my bruise on my back now ( i have seen pictures) is huge and you can actually see each individual stab mark. I couldn't stop crying at this point what with the CXs still on top of each other and in the end I just said for them to get the ARm over with or without pain relief. I of course used Gas and Air and that as usual helped me cope.
So 11.30pm, 13 hours after Induction started, my waters were broken. At this point I was still a 3 cms, baby was high and 50% effaced so everyone assumed it would be a while and again, my contractions were still short and frequent. It was at 12 am, that the contractions became longer and more spaced out and exactly what I knew I needed and I said that bearing in mind how I was feeling right then, the baby would be here in an hour and half. I think by this point Abby was beginning to believe me when I said I knew my own body and S sure knows this by now so there seemed to be a change in the atmosphere of the room. Things became intense and the pain was overwhelming. It was this point that they discovered the baby had shifted and confirmed she was back to back- the pain was all down my legs and lower back.
Sure enough by around 1am, my pain had changed, the familiar pins and needles had arrived in my legs and I asked my IM to go and get the MW. I remember hearing her say that I felt things felt different and she was there by my side within minutes. I pulled it together to explain that I was close and Abby seemed to take me seriously. She asked if she could check me and they found out i was still a stretchy 7cm.
Instead of feeling crushed, or put off, I knew how I felt right then- that my body was just on the verge of pushing automatically as per usual. And sure enough a started bearing down with little groans.
Things got a bit hellish then because I knew I had to stop the pushing but couldn't, I was scared what would happen to me as a consequence. Abby and another MW were telling me to breath through it and Scott was holding me trying to coach me to stop it. But my body just does it and the pain is immense if I try to fight it. The room began to spin violently as I was breathing gas and air continuously, just desperate to hold on another 10 minutes or so but it wasn't meant to be.
Within 4 deep pushes I remember hearing a baby cry and lots of adult voices becoming excited and tearful. I didn't feel the same usuall relief I get when a baby leaves my body and the pain felt like I had torn. And badly.
Anyway, from what I can remember (as the room still was spinning and I think I was in shock) I looked at the clock, noted its time and high fived S! IM took baby as soon as MW cut the cord and they quickly went into their own room over the corridor for much needed bonding time and for me to deliver the placenta and check for tearing. She was given 10/10 Apgar score and seemed perfect although she is the smallest baby I have had at only 7lbs. I think it was due to this, that I hadn't actually torn and just had a graze. Everyone in the room was saying they couldn't believe how well I knew my body- that was a little victory for me!
I heard her cry and all I can describe it as, not sounding like my baby. She sounded different to my babies, immediately. It didn't call to me in my heart or feel a maternal link. Very very surreal indeed. I lay there with a smile on my face, dealing with the after pains. I had two MWs attend the delivery of placenta as being number 5 baby, there is increased risk of bleeding out but that went well too. S went back and forth, taking photos and coming back to update me and within an hour I was ready for a lavendar bath and change of clothes.
It was this time that I knew me now having an epidural was the best thing, i was up and walking around. S helped me no end in the bath, and cleaned me up and the mess I left behind.
I went to their room and sat with the new parents and baby and IF, IM and I all sat and talked, staring at her whilst S slept in our room. We had all been running on adrenaline, he had been running on duty and he needed to sleep.
I admit I was worried about seeing her but I needn't have worried, I felt nothing and was just tired and grateful it was over. She didn't look like my babies, and she looked so content and loved in her mummy's arms. I held her for a while and it felt strange, like holding a friends baby and I even started to panic when she started to whimper. Just as I had hoped for and worked so hard for the last 9 months.
It as then we swapped gifts, my necklace for my IM and coincidentally, they had bought e a beautiful necklace and locket with a diamond on it, for a picture of Evie ad they are going to have it engraved on the back. It certainly is beautiful ad so thoughtful.
By this point, it was 4.00 am, so close to dawn, we decided that it would be best if we let S sleep a bit more and he could drive me home as soon as possible. So at 4 hours old, baby had her Pediatric check, declared perfect and we were discharged at 5.30. I will never forget us all laughing and smiling in the hallway and then getting to the hospital corridor. My Ips had parked at the back and we had parked at the front and so it meant us saying our goodbyes and parting ways there and then. We all hugged and I cried, sad it was all over and sad we were saying goodbye. I tried to hold it together and Scott and I walked off in one direction with just a bag and they in another with the baby. And yet again, I didn't feel an attachment or longing, after 24 hours of being awake, I just wanted to go home and see my own family and sleep in my own bed.
To be continued....
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