Wow, 3 posts in one week, how extra rambly am I!
Just got back from a MW appointment and what a rude, nosey and uneducated woman she was! I haven't met her before as she is the team leader, and it doesn't help that she called me by the wrong name the whole time as it was clear she couldn't be bothered to read my notes properly, then she was getting mixed up as to why we were actually there (it was a routine appointment, that's all!) and then she was really very rude to my IM referring the baby as mine, reminding her that she would have no say in decisions and telling us off for not following protocol. I.e she didn't appreciate the news at the beginning of the pregnancy that my IPs were personal friends of her boss and we had already sorted the paper work, hospital plans and an induction date. She referred to it as "going through the back door" and "through friends of friends" and really, it was me that should be doing it all. Bad surrogate for being organised and using the resources I have to hand. Ha.
Then when she was talking about the impact on my family with a silly pained expression on her face (she really doesn't like Surrogacy in general I thought) she asked me about the impact on my 'poor' husband and children and I burst in to tears. Oh dear. That was like fodder for her. If any of you know me though Fb, S and I separated over Christmas mainly down the surrogacy and how it was making him react/feel. Yes, there are other issues, and we are trying to sort this out through counselling but the timing of this and the main reason are not coincidental. So cue lots of blubbing with her sticky beaking and her fake niceties. I was an inspiration apparently and it must be so hard to be in so much pain for someone else, whilst it's my egg too but said like she was smug and not surprised. Ugh.
To top it off, N and I left the office and she hugged me tightly and apologised for putting me through so much physical and emotional pain and that she loved me so much for doing this and she would never be able to thank me. Cue more crying again! I needed a good drink just to rehydrate myself.
And strangely now I feel so much better. Hearing those thank you's and likewise, the acknowledgement of the situation and an apology from N helped tremendously, then us walking arm in arm, laughing off the rude MW as two women together helped, and the little cry helped. And I am so determined to prove her and people like her wrong. Yes, it's hard, and it will get harder but I am proud and it will all be worth it. I have a new spirit of determination to knuckle down and get on to the delivery!
Health wise, baby is measuring 2 weeks ahead still so at least it isn't off the chart (despite the MW telling me I have put on too much weight and lay off eating too much 'healthy' food which I am eating to compensate the terrible Codeine constipation), she is head down, just hovering above the pelvis in readiness, BP was a good 120/55 and all my bloods and urine came back great.
So 4 weeks left fingers crossed! Bring it on!!!
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Monday, 14 January 2013
Just a quick note..
Sunday, 13 January 2013
34 weeks thoughts
There is absolutely nothing happening on the baby front here. She is moving around well, getting bigger! We have a MW appointment on Tuesday. The only things of significance is I had a little slip on wet tiles and did my already painful pelvis a huge mischief but all is well and baby seemed unfazed by it all. I have been having to have a pain killer during the day as well as night to be able to move but I am sure the pain will lessen a little. Or this is now just the way it will be till the end and I will get used to it! My legs aren't cooperating at all at the moment so they don't lift when I think they are. Cue lots of stumbles anyway. See a child's toy, step over it but I don't miss it at all as my legs just aren't working the way they should. Ugh.
Emotionally, I am not feeling too good either at the moment. From conception, I will be honest and say that my feelings have changed. Usually down to the hormones. So at the very beginning, I found the whole thing very exciting- I had been trying for 2 years and now it was really happening.
Then perhaps, the next week I would be feeling a little overwhelmed as there wasn't any going back, a sense of responsibility so overwhelming that it was hard to concentrate on anything else. But then say we would have a scan and I would see my IPs faces and I would feel nothing for the blob on the screen, so i would go back to being laid back and just happy for them. Content in my decision.
But then maybe a shift in hormones, or a small disagreement between my IPs and I,I would start questioning myself. Am I strong enough to do this, to what cost emotionally would this birth cost me as a person? Then maybe in the second trimester, I would go back to feeling really proud as people were asking about my stomach and what the situation was. That has been the biggest, over riding emotion for me the 8 months- pride.
But every now and then I get worried again. Sometimes I can have a dream say, so realistic and she is there with the other children, or I dream about the delivery and it is a horrible experience with 'evil IPs'. The psyche is a powerful thing and mix that with hormones, it isn't easy to avoid dreams like that and they can last all day afterwards.
Now, I will NEVER ever think about keeping the child. It is NOT my child, I know that. I don't want another child, and especially this one. I am a TS, not a mother. But I still have these days where I wake up panicked, thinking what on earth have I done and what am I going to be like after. I have thought through every situation, played through every eventuality before I did this. I am an over thinker. This blog proves that. But thinking and planning is one thing. Reality is another! Until you are there, you can't say how you are going to be and I don't want to be left unhappy, empty and used up and on days like today that is my biggest fear. I know that by next week my feelings will have settled down again and I will go back to being excited and proud. It is the way that I as a TS have been and I am sure there are other surrogates out there that feel the same.
I met my Ips family last night, as one sister will be the guardian should the IPs die and it kicked up feelings for me that I wasn't so sure about. I made this baby for C and V, as a huge gift and I am proud of that and excited still. I have wanted to, not for money, because I believe that they will make fantastic parents, have so much love to give and they have waited so long for this. It was a calling out of love for them. But should they die, I didn't like the thought of handing the child over to these strangers in a delivery room, who aren't genetically related to her and who are almost 50 years of age and have grown up children. It didn't make sense to me that should the IPs die between now and the Parental order being granted I would have to, when I am the one that cares so much for her already with a biological link and a warm spot in my heart for her. Sure, I don't want another child but in that scenario? I find that really weird.
As a surrogate I can't voice that and if I do, I am wrong. I can't imagine looking at the child's face and saying that a piece of paper made me hand her over in a delivery room to people that weren't her parents, I didn't know them, they haven't been vetted and who probably wouldn't want to have to start over again anyway. What would she think in 18 years time about that. (apparently they would love another one- but I just felt like saying have one then, you don't need this one- hormones flying!)
Just to add too, if the child goes home with the IPs for a few months and becomes part of their family, and then they die, I wouldn't have problem with it- its exactly like what happens up and down the country sadly when children are orphaned and so not my place to intervene. What I am talking about is before the baby is born and in the very first few days/week. That just feels different to me.
Anyway, them dying in the next 3 or 4 months isn't going to happen. Its just part of the planning process that we had contracted earlier. The chances are it is hypothetical so therfore no need to get hung up over, right? And of course I will stick to the contract so my opinions are invalid and pointless anyhow. But the aftermath of that thinking is that of course, it kicked up some worry in me. Am i supposed to be feeling so protective and thoughtful about her? Technically, most surrogates and IPs would say no, it's not my place. Just baby make, collect cash and a little thanks and move on, to hell with her feelings, and what I am feeling. But I guess that I am just different to that and always have been.
Emotionally, I am not feeling too good either at the moment. From conception, I will be honest and say that my feelings have changed. Usually down to the hormones. So at the very beginning, I found the whole thing very exciting- I had been trying for 2 years and now it was really happening.
Then perhaps, the next week I would be feeling a little overwhelmed as there wasn't any going back, a sense of responsibility so overwhelming that it was hard to concentrate on anything else. But then say we would have a scan and I would see my IPs faces and I would feel nothing for the blob on the screen, so i would go back to being laid back and just happy for them. Content in my decision.
But then maybe a shift in hormones, or a small disagreement between my IPs and I,I would start questioning myself. Am I strong enough to do this, to what cost emotionally would this birth cost me as a person? Then maybe in the second trimester, I would go back to feeling really proud as people were asking about my stomach and what the situation was. That has been the biggest, over riding emotion for me the 8 months- pride.
But every now and then I get worried again. Sometimes I can have a dream say, so realistic and she is there with the other children, or I dream about the delivery and it is a horrible experience with 'evil IPs'. The psyche is a powerful thing and mix that with hormones, it isn't easy to avoid dreams like that and they can last all day afterwards.
Now, I will NEVER ever think about keeping the child. It is NOT my child, I know that. I don't want another child, and especially this one. I am a TS, not a mother. But I still have these days where I wake up panicked, thinking what on earth have I done and what am I going to be like after. I have thought through every situation, played through every eventuality before I did this. I am an over thinker. This blog proves that. But thinking and planning is one thing. Reality is another! Until you are there, you can't say how you are going to be and I don't want to be left unhappy, empty and used up and on days like today that is my biggest fear. I know that by next week my feelings will have settled down again and I will go back to being excited and proud. It is the way that I as a TS have been and I am sure there are other surrogates out there that feel the same.
I met my Ips family last night, as one sister will be the guardian should the IPs die and it kicked up feelings for me that I wasn't so sure about. I made this baby for C and V, as a huge gift and I am proud of that and excited still. I have wanted to, not for money, because I believe that they will make fantastic parents, have so much love to give and they have waited so long for this. It was a calling out of love for them. But should they die, I didn't like the thought of handing the child over to these strangers in a delivery room, who aren't genetically related to her and who are almost 50 years of age and have grown up children. It didn't make sense to me that should the IPs die between now and the Parental order being granted I would have to, when I am the one that cares so much for her already with a biological link and a warm spot in my heart for her. Sure, I don't want another child but in that scenario? I find that really weird.
As a surrogate I can't voice that and if I do, I am wrong. I can't imagine looking at the child's face and saying that a piece of paper made me hand her over in a delivery room to people that weren't her parents, I didn't know them, they haven't been vetted and who probably wouldn't want to have to start over again anyway. What would she think in 18 years time about that. (apparently they would love another one- but I just felt like saying have one then, you don't need this one- hormones flying!)
Just to add too, if the child goes home with the IPs for a few months and becomes part of their family, and then they die, I wouldn't have problem with it- its exactly like what happens up and down the country sadly when children are orphaned and so not my place to intervene. What I am talking about is before the baby is born and in the very first few days/week. That just feels different to me.
Anyway, them dying in the next 3 or 4 months isn't going to happen. Its just part of the planning process that we had contracted earlier. The chances are it is hypothetical so therfore no need to get hung up over, right? And of course I will stick to the contract so my opinions are invalid and pointless anyhow. But the aftermath of that thinking is that of course, it kicked up some worry in me. Am i supposed to be feeling so protective and thoughtful about her? Technically, most surrogates and IPs would say no, it's not my place. Just baby make, collect cash and a little thanks and move on, to hell with her feelings, and what I am feeling. But I guess that I am just different to that and always have been.
Friday, 4 January 2013
33 week pump picture
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Can you see why they are predicting a 10lb/11lb baby at 40 weeks?! I haven't actually put much weight on the rest of me, it is mainly bump! (and my bum too of course) I am seriously struggling to breath already and it really hurts when she moves around.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Less than 6 weeks left with any luck!
Happy New Year everyone! This year, I am going to be having a baby for C and V, making a family and making them into parents! Can you tell I am very excited.
I am almost 33 weeks and the potential/hopeful induction will be in 5 weeks and 5 days time. I am trying to view it as just an appointment, very early in the morning to see if my cervix is favorable for labour so I don't get my hopes up. Regardless, it is helping me psychologically every time I feel hopeless and down with pain and limited mobility. And the pain killers are helping physically too. Quite a bit more sleep is happening which makes the world a brighter place in general.
The SPD pain is terrible this last week, but I sort of expected it, with this gestation and the fact that we had Christmas and I probably over did it. Well, I have 4 children, it was inevitable. I won't go in to why our Christmas, my Birthday and New Year was horrendous but it was and lets just say that I am grateful that it is over and now I can focus on the next 6 weeks!
My IPs are still great, taking us out to see a Pantomime, giving us really thoughtful gifts and then throwing me a birthday tea including cake to take home with me. In return, I put together a Xmas hamper for them, with their favourite foods and things that they will need when baby will be here too and they loved it.
As for baby, she is still hurting me! I have never known a baby to move so much, from so early on and for it to hurt so much. I should be grateful and I am, honestly, but it does make me worry a little- how big she is or do I have a low level of liquor? Certainly feels like it and i am beginning to dread her having one of her very frequent disco jives as it is so uncomfortable. Bad bad surrogate.....
That is it for now. I think baby has a name according to C and V but it isn't official yet, so I will keep quiet till I know for sure!
I am almost 33 weeks and the potential/hopeful induction will be in 5 weeks and 5 days time. I am trying to view it as just an appointment, very early in the morning to see if my cervix is favorable for labour so I don't get my hopes up. Regardless, it is helping me psychologically every time I feel hopeless and down with pain and limited mobility. And the pain killers are helping physically too. Quite a bit more sleep is happening which makes the world a brighter place in general.
The SPD pain is terrible this last week, but I sort of expected it, with this gestation and the fact that we had Christmas and I probably over did it. Well, I have 4 children, it was inevitable. I won't go in to why our Christmas, my Birthday and New Year was horrendous but it was and lets just say that I am grateful that it is over and now I can focus on the next 6 weeks!
My IPs are still great, taking us out to see a Pantomime, giving us really thoughtful gifts and then throwing me a birthday tea including cake to take home with me. In return, I put together a Xmas hamper for them, with their favourite foods and things that they will need when baby will be here too and they loved it.
As for baby, she is still hurting me! I have never known a baby to move so much, from so early on and for it to hurt so much. I should be grateful and I am, honestly, but it does make me worry a little- how big she is or do I have a low level of liquor? Certainly feels like it and i am beginning to dread her having one of her very frequent disco jives as it is so uncomfortable. Bad bad surrogate.....
That is it for now. I think baby has a name according to C and V but it isn't official yet, so I will keep quiet till I know for sure!
Thursday, 20 December 2012
Induction and Pain killers
The meeting with the OB GYN went well, and he was friendly and professional despite knowing C and V personally. Infact he sent them out of the room so we could talk honestly which was nice.
We discussed what was going on and I even divulged some GYNAE issues i am having too. He checked that I have had the right Physio and being taking the right precautions- belts, tubi grips, paracetomol etc. I thought I would lose control a few times as I had to tell him what has been going on with regard to not being able to drive, shop, clean and even bathe the children, and all for someone else but I kept that lump in my throat at bay!
So I have a prescription for some stronger pain killers that are suitable for the third trimester up to 4 times a day. But we both decided that i will start off taking them once at night so I can at least sleep through a night. We agreed that if you can at least sleep then everything looks better in the light of day, then up them If i need. I of course checked with C and V that there were happy with me taking them and they are- they are very much in favour of traditional methods such as painkillers.
He also offered to induce me at 38 weeks. Wow. I assumed it would have been harder than that LOL. However, he said that he wanted to try a method that was kinder to my body and the baby. He wanted me in at 8am and i will be given two doses, 6 hours apart, of Prostin gel. Then he will see if cervix is favourable and if it is, he will break my waters. If not, and its a case that my body just isnt ready and it's too soon, then I will go home and wait a few more days or a week and try again. It sounds so much better than starting a Pit drip regardless of my body not being ready. That of course means that a C section is more likely, usually after a horrible drawn out painful labour and that would be catastrophic for me. There is no way I would be able to get the kids to school if I couldn't drive for 6 weeks! So with all this in mind I opted for 38 plus 4, hoping that those extra few days would mean it will work first time, the date falls within a half term for the children and baby will be more 'cooked'. So 13th February it is!
I have been induced the previous 3 times, for different reasons and different ways, but with baby number 3 I only had Prostin gel and responded well so hoping that it's the same again!
Just the thought of a definite date helps so much when I literally am just sobbing my eyes out in pain and frustration. He completely understood this and likened it to some SAS training. Strange analogy, but it made sense. its not about being physically strong but mentally too and having an actual date to work towards, makes you work harder at it. I can actually tell my children only x amounts of weeks left when I can't take them to the park. If that ramble makes sense!? God, i am rambling again sorry.....
We aren't really telling many people of the actual date in case it doesn't work and I am sent home to wait a few further days. because by god, I know I will be unbearable and I won't need well meaning people calling me up and ask if I had the baby yet. Those weeks are bad enough as it is!
So as of today I have 7 weeks and 6 days left. There really isn't medals for doing everything as natural as possible by the way. I get sick of some people's bragging. I am all for bithing drug free, I use hypnobirthing myself and i enjoy the calm, quiet way I deliver. But no one comes around the maternity ward and hands out certificates for the least amount of intervention afterwards. A healthy baby and happy mummy is all that matters at the end of the day or in this case, a healthy baby, happy surrogate, a happy daddy, a happy mummy and a happy surrogate mothers family too!
We discussed what was going on and I even divulged some GYNAE issues i am having too. He checked that I have had the right Physio and being taking the right precautions- belts, tubi grips, paracetomol etc. I thought I would lose control a few times as I had to tell him what has been going on with regard to not being able to drive, shop, clean and even bathe the children, and all for someone else but I kept that lump in my throat at bay!
So I have a prescription for some stronger pain killers that are suitable for the third trimester up to 4 times a day. But we both decided that i will start off taking them once at night so I can at least sleep through a night. We agreed that if you can at least sleep then everything looks better in the light of day, then up them If i need. I of course checked with C and V that there were happy with me taking them and they are- they are very much in favour of traditional methods such as painkillers.
He also offered to induce me at 38 weeks. Wow. I assumed it would have been harder than that LOL. However, he said that he wanted to try a method that was kinder to my body and the baby. He wanted me in at 8am and i will be given two doses, 6 hours apart, of Prostin gel. Then he will see if cervix is favourable and if it is, he will break my waters. If not, and its a case that my body just isnt ready and it's too soon, then I will go home and wait a few more days or a week and try again. It sounds so much better than starting a Pit drip regardless of my body not being ready. That of course means that a C section is more likely, usually after a horrible drawn out painful labour and that would be catastrophic for me. There is no way I would be able to get the kids to school if I couldn't drive for 6 weeks! So with all this in mind I opted for 38 plus 4, hoping that those extra few days would mean it will work first time, the date falls within a half term for the children and baby will be more 'cooked'. So 13th February it is!
I have been induced the previous 3 times, for different reasons and different ways, but with baby number 3 I only had Prostin gel and responded well so hoping that it's the same again!
Just the thought of a definite date helps so much when I literally am just sobbing my eyes out in pain and frustration. He completely understood this and likened it to some SAS training. Strange analogy, but it made sense. its not about being physically strong but mentally too and having an actual date to work towards, makes you work harder at it. I can actually tell my children only x amounts of weeks left when I can't take them to the park. If that ramble makes sense!? God, i am rambling again sorry.....
We aren't really telling many people of the actual date in case it doesn't work and I am sent home to wait a few further days. because by god, I know I will be unbearable and I won't need well meaning people calling me up and ask if I had the baby yet. Those weeks are bad enough as it is!
So as of today I have 7 weeks and 6 days left. There really isn't medals for doing everything as natural as possible by the way. I get sick of some people's bragging. I am all for bithing drug free, I use hypnobirthing myself and i enjoy the calm, quiet way I deliver. But no one comes around the maternity ward and hands out certificates for the least amount of intervention afterwards. A healthy baby and happy mummy is all that matters at the end of the day or in this case, a healthy baby, happy surrogate, a happy daddy, a happy mummy and a happy surrogate mothers family too!
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
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